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Marriage: The Roles of Relationship
Ephesians 5:18-23
Skip Heitzig

Ephesians 5 (NKJV™)
18 And do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit,
19 speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord,
20 giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ,
21 submitting to one another in the fear of God.
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.

New King James Version®, Copyright © 1982, Thomas Nelson, Inc. All rights reserved.

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Complete Relationship Series

This in-depth nine-message series covers the subjects of singleness, dating, marriage, divorce, and remarriage. Skip Heitzig lays out sound biblical principles to help you develop good, healthy relationships.

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It says in verse 22, "Wives, you are to submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church; He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church, He gave Himself for it, that He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word that He might present it to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. 'For this reason a man shall leave father and mother, be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.'"

As we discovered last week, when God put man in the garden, He did not sent, He did not set up a parent and child, but a husband and wife; that was the primary relationship. That a man is to leave, or sever, relationships and cleave, permanently be joined into his wife in a lifelong commitment. That was God's intention from the beginning. In spite of that, we have seen a progressive death of marriage and family life in our culture and in our society. We have the psychologist and the sociologist telling us that we should eliminate marriage altogether. It doesn't work anymore. Marriage is an antique vestige of a primitive society. Instead, we should come up with something new and innovative and creative instead of the old, monogamous, continuous family that has been fostered throughout history. And so, people are listening to these great, intelligent psychologists and sociologists. And we have people living together before marriage a lot. One large church reported, the pastor said, that of all the people that he counsels in premarital counseling, seventy percent are living together. On top of that, we have the gays and the lesbians demanding their rights in marriage, that they should be joined and recognized as being married. Of course, we have the government and the church agreeing with them. And now, we're even having gays, who once had a heterosexual relationship and children in a marriage, break up, join their homosexual partner, bring their children into that relationship, and demand to have it called a "family unit" and raise children in it. Well, this is not new. Ever since the fall in the garden, this has happened. This is not a new thing springing up. It's simply a downward progression of movement. Because, of the fall, in the garden, there's been a perversion of marriage and a perversion of marital roles of husband and wife. You see, Eve sinned in disobeying God, but she also sinned in acting independently of her head, of her husband. And Adam sinned, not only in disobeying God, but he really wimped out in the garden. He did not take the God-given authority before the Lord, or before his wife. It was a duel kind of a sin, and we've seen a downward progression ever since.

If any of you have done any counseling, whether professional or lay counseling in the church, or even just counseling your friends, you know by now that most of the problems are marriage problems. In fact, marriage problems in counseling comprise more of counseling than all of the rest of the problems put together. It's overwhelming, in fact. Especially in this area of roles. "What is my wife supposed to do and what am I supposed to do? What are the roles that we're supposed to play in a marriage? What has God designed?" And, we know that there's typical roles. We think, we have little stereotypes as to what the man is supposed to do and what the wife is supposed to do in marriage, and thus we create our little lists of what we want and what we expect. Typically the man fixes the car, cleans the backyard, takes out the garbage, cares for the dog and the droppings around the yard (light laughter). The wife cleans, she cooks, she makes it look sweet and nice and does the laundry. And these are sort of typical roles that we enter into a relationship with. Many times, these are un-communicated roles; we expect that. We have expectations that are not communicated. And because of that, we create our little list of what we expect. And we wonder after a year or so in marriage, hey this isn't working out. "She's not all that I expected her to be." We talked a couple weeks ago about the list that people have when they date. Uh, across my desk came a piece of paper this week. Interestingly enough, it happens to be a book I am currently reading. And, uh, I thought it was cleverly done. The ideal husband and the ideal wife. What every woman expects and what every man expects and then what they get (light laughter).

The ideal husband; what every woman expects.
Number one, He will be a brilliant conversationalist.
A very sensitive man, kind, understanding and truly loving.
A very hard working man.
A man who helps around the house by washing the dishes, vacuuming floors, and caring for the yard.
Someone who helps his wife raise the children.
A man of emotional and physical strength.
A man who is as smart as Einstein but looks like Robert Redford (laughter).

And this is what she gets:
He always takes her to the best restaurants, someday he may even take her inside (laughter).
He doesn’t have any ulcers, he just gives them.
Anytime he has an idea in his head he has the whole thing in a nut shell.
He's well known as a miracle worker, it’s a miracle when he works (laughter).
He supports his wife in the manner in which he is accustomed, he's letting her keep her job (light laughter).
He is such a bore that he even bores you to death when he gives you a compliment.
And he has occasional flashes of silence that makes his conversation brilliant.

The ideal wife; what every man expects
Always beautiful and cheerful.
Could have married movie stars but only wanted you.
Hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
Beauty that won’t run in a rain storm.
Never sick just allergic to jewelry and fur coats (laughter).
Insists that moving furniture by herself is good for her figure (light laughter).
Expert in cooking, expert cleaning house, fixing the car or the TV, painting the house and keeping quiet (light laughter).
Favorite hobbies – moving the lawn, and shoveling, mowing the lawn, not moving it (laughter) and shoveling the snow.
Hates charge cards (light laughter).
Favorite expressions - "What can I do for you, dear?".
Thinks you have an Einstein brain but look like Mr. America.
Wishes you would go out with the boys so that she can get some sewing done (laughter).

This is what he gets:
She speaks 140 words a minute with gusts up to 180 (laughter). See, now I'm you each a chance to laugh at each other.
She once was a model for a totem pole.
She is a light eater, as soon as it get light she starts eating.
Where there is smoke there she is cooking.
She lets you know that you only have two faults, everything you say and everything you do (laughter).
No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory (laughter). This is funny, this really is.
And if you get lost, just open your wallet. She'll find you.

We laugh at that cause that is hilarious, but there, there is an ounce, at least of truth (light laughter) to expectations and then seeing those expectations not met. On a more serious side, I have some letters that have been written by the congregation. Husbands and wife.
One wife says, "He spends more than he makes on something he wanted, not something for the family. He sleeps too much. He watches TV all day long. The house needs repair. The yard and the garbage are in shambles. The washing machine doesn't work. Too many beans and noodles are cooked, never with enough meat. I'm home all day with no gas, not enough food. I'm becoming bored, exhausted, trying to keep up with the house and kids, and I'm slowly becoming bitter." A man writes concerning his wife, "She has no respect for the head of the home. She always rebels and thinks her way is always the right way of doing things. She never submits to anything what is right in God's eyes. She never listens when I try to share a simple passage. I try my very best to love my wife as the Bible says, but I'm going on the 9,000th mile with her. Pray for me, that I may be faithful to the Lord and that I may also walk a perfect life before her so that the put downs and the persecution may stop. Because I am exhausted putting up with her slander. At times, I feel like packing my bags and leaving for good, but I feel it is wrong because divorce in the Bible is clearly spoken on that subject." These are real situations. This isn't a fake list of expectations. Because of this kind of hurt, it is time to declare God's standard for marriage. It's time that the church declares and lives by what we're about to read in Ephesians, Chapter 5, because this is not only God's commandments, God's rulebook, this is the quickest way to fulfillment in a relationship. This is the quickest way to the most satisfying relationship. Too many people feel like their marriage is like purgatory or hell on Earth, when God intended it to be a model of heaven on Earth, modeling the relationship of Jesus Christ to His church, as we read about here.

Church, all over the world the church is weak. Weak in this area of relationships. The main reason is called Accommodating Theology. Do you know what I mean by that? That is, we change our theology around the way we want to live, rather than changing the way we should live around correct biblical theology. We accommodate our theology. I watch people break up all the time with phrases like, "It was God's will." And they can find a scripture just about for anything you want to do. Accommodating theology. It is time to declare truth.

The roles of husband and wife as described in this chapter are simple. Now I don't mean they're not tough, I mean they're not complicated. He doesn't say, "Here's a list of fifty things you're to do." He keeps them very simple. The basic role of the wife is that of submission. The basic role of the husband is loving adoration. It is important that we discover something before we even jump into the roles. There is a necessary requirement. Look at verse 18, "Do not be drunk with wine in which is dissipation, but be continually filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord, giving thanks always for all things to God the Father, in the name of Our Lord, Jesus Christ, submitting to one another in the fear of God." Before we jump into the roles of husband and wife, before we whip each other with each other's roles, before we sat, start nudging each other this morning as we go through them, I hope that the Holy Spirit will nudge all of us in seeing there is basic requirements before Paul jumps into the marriage relationship. First of all, there's submission to God. You are to be filled with the Holy Spirit. That is, to be controlled by the spirit of God. And mutual submission to one another. You see, the submission is not just for the wife. It's for every single Christian. There's a mutual submission to one another and there's submission to God. And it's in the fear of God. See, when Paul is writing this, he's taking for granted that his audience is a Christian audience. This is God's method for a fulfilled marriage. If you're an unbeliever, if you're an unbeliever and your marriage has stuck together this long, I admire that. With sheer personal determination, you've stuck together. But the kind of marriage that is fulfilling to this extent can only be pulled off by God. David said, "Except the Lord build a house, they labor in vain who build it." You can stay up all night and get up in the morning to try to pull it off, but it won't work correctly. It is submission, first of all, to God, and the Holy Spirit controlling you, and submitting to one another, verse 21, "In the fear of God." This word submitting means to "arrange and rank," like in an infantry. Not meaning that you have to salute all the members in the family before you go off to work in the morning. It simply means that you relinquish your rights to one another. You relinquish your rights. The idea is that when you recognize needs that people have, you submit yourself to meeting those needs, and you do it to one another. You don't crack the whip of submission. Say, "Wife, you are to submit to me." This is a pervasive attitude for all Christians. A mutual submission. Relinquishing of the rights. Recognizing the needs, submitting to get those needs met. That's what this word submission here means.

Now when Paul wrote these, when he penned this letter, he was writing the opposite of the standard of the world in which he wrote back then. In Paul's day, just like in today, marriage was put a very, kind of a low esteem. But in Paul's days, women and marriage were put in incredibly low esteem. The Jewish men would wake up every morning and say, "God, I thank you that I'm not a Gentile, a slave, nor a woman." As the Greeks used to say, every man should have three woman: a mistress for his companion, a concubine for his sexual pleasure, and a wife to bear his legitimate children and keep the house nice and clean. The Roman world was even worse. Marriage and divorce, marriage was simply legalized prostitution. The person could get married and get a divorce like you'd sign a check. And so, marriage was placed very much at a low. Consequently, feminism reached a new height in the Roman world against which Paul wrote. Women wanted to do the same things men could do. They wanted to prove that they could fight, that they could hold the same jobs. It is even recorded that women wanted to go out bare-breasted and go wild ox and wild pig hunting, just to prove that they could do it. Women didn't want to have children because it would ruin their figures. So marriage was placed off in the distance. Paul writes against this whole philosophy of the world and says, "Now this is Christ's idea of marriage. Here's the correct role model. Don't let the Romans or the Greeks be your role models. Let Jesus be your role models. Husbands, you love your wives like Christ loved the church." And he brings marriage to the new standard, the standard that God intended for it to maintain. We can't let television be our role models. We can't let movies be our role models. Don't let the statistics be your role models. Don't let Clint Eastwood and Eddie Murphy be your role models. You're hurting for certain if you do. Jesus is to be the role model for a husband and wife relationship. Turn off Dallas and turn off Dynasty. And turn on the Word of God. Because those things simply aid to pervert the marital roles and bring them down instead of elevate them as God intended for it to be. Submission that is mutual.

Now in that framework, wives, verse 22, here's your role, "Submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church; and He's the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, let the wives be to their own husbands in everything." The husband is the head. Wives, I'm gonna ask you a question. Are you willing to submit, first of all, not to your husband, but are you willing first of all to submit to Jesus Christ and to His plan for your marriage? That's the big first question. Are you willing to submit to His plan for your relationship? Because a wife who would say, "I just can't submit to my husband," her problem is not only with her husband, her problem is with her Lord. Because it's, "as unto the Lord, subject as the Church is to Christ in everything." Now I am not saying that you should go against the Word of God if your husband says, "Don't go to church, let's go out and get drunk." It doesn't mean, "Oh, I just have to submit to my husband." I mean, you know better than that. There is that high standard of obeying God, but God has placed also the head over and to serve under the wife and the marriage. Willing to submit to Jesus Christ and then to your husband. The husband is the head of your home, does not mean he's to be the dictator. There's a lot of frustrated sergeants out there (light laughter), who take the biblical club of, "I'm the head of the home," like Ralph Kramden on the Honeymooners. "(Said like Ralph) I'm the king of the castle, Alice. I'm the head of the home. You're my servant." And then you have this vying, this war that goes on, where he says, "I'm the head of the home," and she says, "But I'm the neck that moves the head." (Laughter) And the issue becomes not who rules the roost, but who rules the rooster in many cases. And there's this constant cycle and constant battle that goes on. The husband, being the head of the home, does not mean he's superior to his wife. It just means he is in a function that God placed him as head. Doesn't mean he's more spiritual or that he's always correct, or that he's superior. It says in 1 Corinthians 11, I believe, "The head of every man is Christ, the head of every woman is the man, and the head of Christ is God the Father." Sort of a rank in file. Uh, a program God has set up of submission. Now, Jesus Christ was in voluntary submission to the Father. He said, "I don't even speak or do anything, expect the Father gives me instructions." He voluntarily submitted himself; became a servant to the point of death. In the garden, He said, "Not my will, but your will be done, Father." Now was Jesus inferior to the Father? No. To say that would be heresy, would be blasphemy. It was a voluntarily, functional position while upon the earth of Jesus to the Father. But He wasn't inferior. And it's also wrong to think that a wife is inferior to her husband because she's in the role of submission. Doesn't make him superior. The husband is head of the home; does not mean that he's the executive decision-maker, exclusive decision-maker, I believe. Now I think that the responsibility falls upon him, but that doesn't mean that every little thing he decides. "Well, now don't buy any bread this week until you check with me first at the office. No, you can't buy that loaf, you have to buy this loaf." She knows about loaves than you or I put together. It doesn't mean that the husband is always right being the head of the home. And I know women are going, "Amen," (light laughter). But I'll tell you what. The husband isn't always right, but he's always responsible. Women, God will never hold you responsible for your husband making a wrong decision, He won't hold you responsible. But He will hold your responsible for failing to submit to him. Again, it doesn't mean if he flagrantly violates the scriptures, or tells you to run off and get loaded or whatever. But God will hold you responsible for submission. God holds the husband responsible, ultimately, as the head of the home. And to submit to your husband, or to respond in that submission, means that you respect him. That you recognize that he is accountable to God; he's responsible for God for this family. Submitting, responding in submission to your husband. Wives, are you making it easier or are you making it harder for that husband of yours to fulfill his role as head? "Well, I wish he would take responsibility. I wish he would make decisions and be the head." Do you? Is is that he's not taking the responsibility in the headship and the leadership, or is it possibly you're not yielding or letting him. "Submit," notice, "in everything as unto the Lord." But there's a goal.

Let's go on. "Wives, submit to your own husbands," here it is, "as to the Lord." Now that's the goal in a wife submitting to her husband. Everything we do should have the goal of pleasing God. That's important because there's a lot of things we do in this Christian life that aren't pleasing. "I don't feel like reading the Bible. Man, I just don't feel like going to church or praying. But I'm gonna do it. Because God wills it and it is pleasing to him and I'm gonna do it as unto the Lord." And there's times when your husband is ungrateful, inconsiderate, just a big creep, right? No, you don't have to answer that (light laughter). Why do you submit to someone like that? Because God says so. It is His will. That is His nature. That mutual love and mutual submission. That God wills that you do that, even if there's irregularity and inconsistency. Because it is as unto the Lord. "God, I'm doing it because You told me to do it. That's my ultimate love is You. You're my ultimate priority, I will do it unto You." It says that Jesus is the head of the Church. That just as there's a physical head and a physical body and the body responds to the messages from the brain, that the Church is to respond in submission to Jesus Christ and the wife is to respond in submission to the signals from her husband. We say, "I feel called to do this ministry." We're responding to the head, Jesus Christ, through the Holy Spirit. We feel called to go in this direction as a Church. We're responding as the body of Christ to the messages from the brain. Now, what happens if a physical body does not respond to the head, to the messages, to the signals? It becomes a spastic body, it becomes a paralyzed body, a dysfunctional body. Even so, there is serious dysfunction when there is no response of submission of a wife to her head. Now, you think you wife's role is tough? Let's go on to the husband's.

"Husbands," verse 25, "love your wives, as Christ loved the church, He gave Himself for it, that He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word that He might present it to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. 'For this reason a man shall leave father and mother, be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.'" The role of the husband is loving adoration for his wife. Loving her. Husbands, recall just for a minute, remember back when you dated that woman that is now your wife? Remember the feelings that you had when you started dating and you think, "You know, she's special. She's cute, she's nice, she's beautiful." And you wanted to get to know her and as you dated her, you came to the conviction that you loved her. And one evening you wanted to tell her that. "I love you." And she may have responded back, "I love you, too." And the feeling that you felt as you, your love grew as you asked to be married to that woman. You asked her to be your wife. The feeling that you had of her coming down the aisle. We all know how that romantic affection, that affectionate adoration type of love, has a tendency sometimes to drop off after, "I do." It doesn't have to. It doesn't meant that you have the same starry-eyed feeling for your spouse, I'm not advocating that. But there's often a difference between the way a woman is treated before, "I do" and after you say, "I do." You know, when they're first dating, he'll run around and open up her car door and act real nice. After, "What's the matter," he growls, "your arm broken?" (Laughter) Before the wedding, it's nice flowers. After the marriage, ah, we'll save 'em for the funeral, I don't want no flowers." Buys her candy before the marriage, afterwards he says, "Ah, she's eats to much already. Don't need to buy her candy." I'm not saying it's always like that, but we have a tendency to diminish. We need to be reminded to be affectionate and romantic to our wives and to adore them and to love them; that's the role of the husband. It's expressed in at least four different ways.

First of all, unconditionally. Verse 25, "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church." Heh, which is unconditionally. No strings attached. That's how God loves us. The love of this world, folks, is object-oriented. Do you know what I mean by that? Object-oriented. I mean that people in the world are loved because of a certain characteristic they have, whether it's physical beauty, charm, personality, wit or some positive characteristic. In other words, the world loves those that it deems worthy of loving. Which means, that love is fickle and unstable because when some of those characteristics drop off, the love drops off. That's why many marriages fail. Because if she loses that appeal or that attraction as she gets more winkles, or as he gets a little more love handles, or he is a little bit lazier, or that positive characteristic isn't there, the love begins to diminish because it's conditional love, it's not unconditional love. Christ loved the Church unconditionally. It is God's nature to love. God loves not because we're just wonderful people. He didn't say, "You know, these group, this, these people at Calvary Chapel, I can not help but love them. They are so awesome. I love them because they're so wonderful." We all know He loves us in spite of our negative characteristics. That His love is not based upon that. He has willed to love us and to never forsake us regardless. That is unconditional love. Member the old story of the beautiful fairy princess kissing the ugly, old toad? I mean, now what a great experience for that dirty old toad. Had that gorgeous princess come up and kiss him right on those green lips. Well, now put yourself in the position of the princess, having to stoop down and kiss the toad, not because he's so handsome. Irregardless. In a sense, God has stooped down to kiss toads, if you will. His love is not based upon how great we are. When Jesus washed His disciples feet, was it because they were so wonderful? Or because they had great feet? Jesus washed his disciples feet as an example of eternal, unconditional love, and he says, "As I have loved you, I want you to love one another." It was in spite some of those characteristics. Husbands, God has given you and I an incredible task, but also, an amazing capacity to fulfill the task. We have such a capacity to show love. The love of God is shed abroad in our hearts and we have an incredible capacity to show love to our wives, which is unconditional love. And now I'm not saying that God never intended the physical beauty or the charm and characteristics to be an unimportant issue. I believe it is important. I believe that we are attracted to each other at first with a physical attraction. We love to see something or someone that is beautiful. But that's not the bond of marriage, and the only kind of love that will stay when some of that beauty leaves and those wrinkles comes, or those positive characteristics dwindle, or if that person even became maimed, the only kind of love that can stick it out is unconditional love as Christ loved the Church. Husbands love your wives, adore them, adoring love unconditionally.

Second of all, sacrificially. Same verse um, it says, "Love your wives as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her." It's interesting, the wife is called to live for her husband in submission. The man is called to die, if need be, for his wife, which even goes a step beyond that, a sacrificial kind of a love, where he relinquishes and dies to selfs and relinquishes his rights to meet her needs; it's a sacrificial love. And the greatest test of sacrificial love is in the home. There is no greater test of spirituality then in a home where nobody sees. The greatest test of a man of God is not speaking great things from a pulpit and making great points. The great test of sacrificial love and spirituality is not leading a kinship group or being up front in a church. The greatest test is behind closed doors with wife and kids. You might hear a sermon that I speak and think, "Oh, he must be wonderful." Ask my wife. I'm not gonna say, "Well, you know, it really is true. I am wonderful (laughter)." Because the greatest test of that is what my wife knows when nobody sees, when nobody is around. Sacrificial love. By the way, if you are in the dating mode, guys and gals, you're dating this fella. If this fella is asking you to compromise physically, sexually with him, se- send him away. Tell him to scram. He doesn't love you. That kind of love is not a love that has a goal of self-sacrificial love. It's simply a selfish goal. Which brings us to the next point.

The love is to be with a goal. It says in verse 26, "That He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that He might present it to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish." You see, when Jesus saved us, He did it with a goal. When He loves us, He loves us toward an end. He doesn't say, "Great, you're saved. See you in eternity." He then walks us through life and sanctifies us, or sets us apart, and helps us become holy and He cleanses us from the grip of sin. Husband's role is to be much the same. He doesn't condemn and point out faults and keep a record of wrongs and say, "You're inconsistent, honey, in this." He seeks to cleanse her and draw her away from the defilement of the world. To sanctify her, to make her holier. He is, in effect, the priest of his home, the spiritual leader of his home, leading her in spiritual, uh, growth and Bible studies and prayer; sanctifying her, setting her apart. That's the role of the husband. Not pointing the finger. Seeking to draw her and to make her more spiritual and more Christ-like, to cleansing her. And that's why we said, if you're dating someone who is after something else, he is not looking for the goal of getting you closer to Jesus, he's looking for fulfilling his own sexual desire which he calls love, which the Bible calls lust. Love is patient, if it can't wait till marriage, that person does not love you. The goal is to cleanse. And this should be a mark in dating. Is he a spiritual leader? Can he sanctify and cleanse the relationship and draw us closer to the Lord? It's a key issue.

Next issue, the love is affectionate love. It says in verse 28, "Husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones." Husband is to love his wife affectionately; caring affection, like he loves his own body. Now you know as well as I do that in this generation we are preoccupied with our bods. More time and money is spent on looking good. That's the appeal of health spas. To get your body looking great. Now I'm not against that at all. I think that when you, you're body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. And when you're feeding it right and you're exercising properly, you develop a sense of well-being that is important. Well, in the same manner, as you develop a sense of well-being, when your body is well nourished, when your wife is affectionately cared for, she develops a sense of well-being. There's a healthy attitude she has, there's a desire to submit to you because she feels secure in your love. It's affectionate love. And I believe that to be affectionate love, it has to be demonstrated love, would you agree? It has to be verbalized love. Some men are gr, heh, are brought up even culturally that it is not cool or man-like to express emotion, especially love. And it's so hard for so many; they stumble over it. "I luh, I luh, I luhh, like, well you know what I mean (light laughter)." In fact, I've heard some men say, "Look she knows I love her. I told her when we got married (light laughter). I never break a promise. I don't have to tell her all the time." Yeah, you do. She needs to hear it. She needs to be reminded that you love her and it has to be demonstrated. Jesus, our role model, the ultimate man, expressed His love. "As I have loved you, so love one another." Jesus talked, He verbalized and He demonstrated constantly His love. He demonstrated His love toward His disciples. And men, the more that we demonstrate our loves to our wives, the more that we show that adoring, affectionate love, the easier it is for her to submit to you in everything.

You see, there's a vicious cycle that occurs in marriages. Often a wife will not to submit to her husband because she does not feel secure in his love, she feels his love in conditional. She feels that he will reject her for looking a certain way, or putting on a couple extra pounds, or wearing something he doesn't like, or doing something. And she feels very insecure, and very rejected in in that kind of love; it's very tenuous. And so, she protects herself. She won't submit, she puts up a fight. And then he, in this cycle, gets angrier and tries to grab more authority and, it's a vicious cycle. And it's tough to snuggle up to a bobcat (light laughter). And it's a vicious cycle that happens. Beware of one of the biggest problems in the area of role relationship in a marriage. And that is the, "yes I know, but if only" mentality. "Yes I know, but if only." "Yes I know the Bible says that I should love my wife like Christ loved the Church, but if only she would..., then I would..." You know what I mean. "I know it says to submit into my husband in everything, but if only he would love me as Christ loved the Church, then I could submit." And what the person is essentially saying is that, "I can never be expected to fulfill my role until everyone else in the family does their part." That's unbiblical. It's not submit if your husband loves you, love your husband if she submits. You do it like Christ- unconditionally. You submit as unto the Lord. You give 100 percent. Or you'll get caught in a vicious cycle of resentment that will take your marriage downward and can destroy it.

In fact, we are drowning in a sea of marriage information. I realize as I prepared these messages on marriage and singleness and dating, that I am doing what thousands if not millions have done. There are more books on marriage out there. There are more seminars and conferences on marriage. And you can go to conference to seminar, syllabus to syllabus wearing down thirty pencils of taking notes and it will be temporary solution. It will be a bandaid over a large wound unless, first of all, there is a submission unto God and your life is controlled by the Holy Spirit and a mutual submission to one another. You say, "Well, what if my husband isn't a Christian?" We'll get to that next week. Whole nother issue. But the issue is being submitted to God, and for some of you, husbands and wives, you need to accept Jesus Christ. You need to come to Him and let him control your life. Cause you've come here looking for answers for your marriage. The answer is still Jesus. Before you proceed any further, stop, in the fear of God, be controlled by the Holy Spirit, develop a mutual submission toward one another, and God will enable you to love your wife as Christ loved the Church.

I wanna close today with something I have had for about fourteen, thirteen years. Somebody gave me when I was a new Christian. I recently found it again. It has helped me, and I think it's important in a marriage. It's called Dying to Self. If this fits anywhere else, it fits in a marriage:

When you are forgotten, neglected, or purposely set at naught, and you sting and hurt with the insult or oversight, but your heart is happy being counted worthy to suffer for Christ, that is dying to self.
When your good is evil spoken of, when your wishes are crossed, your advice disregarded, your opinions ridiculed, and you refuse to let anger rise in your heart or even defend yourself, but take it all in patient, loving silence, that is dying to self.
When you lovingly and patiently bear any disorder, any irregularity, or any annoyance; when you can stand face to face with waste, folly, extravagance, spiritual insensibility, and endure it as Jesus endured it, then that is dying to self.
When you are content with any food, and offering, any raiment, any climate, any society, any attitude, any interruption by the will of God, that is dying to self.
When you never care to refer to yourself in conversation or record your own works or itch after commendation, when you truly love to be unknown, that is dying to self.
When you can see your brother prosper and have his needs met, and can honestly rejoice with him in spirit and feel no envy, nor question God, while your own needs are far greater and in desperate circumstances, that is dying to self.
When you can receive correction and reproof from one of less stature than yourself and can humbly submit, inwardly as well as outwardly, finding no rebellion or resentment rising up within your heart, that is dying to self.

And that is an incredible important ingredient in marriage. Let's pray.

Heavenly Father,
I believe wholeheartedly that You and You only have the real key and answers for marriage relationships, simply because You invented them. You created human beings. And Father, I believe that this portion of Your word holds secrets for many of us to fulfilling marriage. And Father, I will pray that You will heal many of those broken up. Lord, we devote ourselves the role that You have called us, be it a single role as a husband or as a wife, to submit to one another in the fear of God, to be controlled by the Holy Spirit. Lord I recognize that there are many who disagree with even Your precepts, thinking that all of the Bible is inspired except maybe this chapter. But Lord I pray that they will instead devote themselves, instead of bucking Your system, submitting to it and finding the fulfillment that you always wanted them to have, for You are a God of peace. In Jesus name, and everyone agreed said Amen.

Additional Messages in this Series

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1/25/1987
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Loneliness
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2/1/1987
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Am I Singled Out?
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2/8/1987
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The Dating Game
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2/15/1987
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Marriage: The Original Blueprint
Genesis 2:18-25
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3/19/1987
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When the Yoke Doesn't Fit
Matthew 5
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3/22/1987
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Divorce: When the Bond is Severed
Deuteronomy 24
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3/29/1987
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Divorce: Is it Allowable?
Deuteronomy 24
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4/5/1987
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Divorce: Who Can Remarry?
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There are 8 additional messages in this series.
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