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The Hardest Word in a Marriage - Ephesians 5:22-24

Taught on | Topic: Submission | Keywords: wife, submit, submission, mutual submission, marriage, respect, love

Some people would consider submission to be as bad as a four-letter word. But that’s because they don’t understand it. God’s plan is always the best plan. He designed your life to be one that is fulfilling and rewarding. Jesus said, “I have come that they might have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10). For that to happen, we must function within the guidelines of His will in the relational roles we occupy. Today we look at the basic role of a wife in a marriage relationship.

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7/15/2012
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The Hardest Word in a Marriage
Ephesians 5:22-24
Skip Heitzig
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Message Summary
Some people would consider submission to be as bad as a four-letter word. But that’s because they don’t understand it. God’s plan is always the best plan. He designed your life to be one that is fulfilling and rewarding. Jesus said, “I have come that they might have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10). For that to happen, we must function within the guidelines of His will in the relational roles we occupy. Today we look at the basic role of a wife in a marriage relationship.
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Keep Calm and Marry On

Keep Calm and Marry On

A Christian marriage is intended to portray Christ and His church to the world. But how do we ensure that our marriages live up to God's standards? God's Word contains what we need not only to flourish, but to overcome the emotional, societal, and spiritual attacks we face in our marriages. In this series, Pastor Skip Heitzig covers various scriptural texts to give us the biblical view on marriage. From dating to dealing with in-laws; from anger management to managing your finances; from conflict resolution to delightful sexual relations, this powerful series will provide the tools you need to strengthen your home and relationships.

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Outline

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  1. Submission is Mutual (v. 21)

  2. Submission is Provisional (v. 24)

  3. Submission is Purposeful

    1. It Enables Leadership (vv. 22-23)

    2. It Points to Christ (vv. 24, 32)

  4. Submission is Respectful (v. 33)

Strengthening the Bond:

  1. For Wives: How does submission work in your marriage? Are there any attitudes in your thinking and your lifestyle that need adjusting?

  2. For Husbands: The model Paul uses for submission is that of the church submitting to Christ. How closely does your role as a husband reflect the servant leadership of the Savior you claim to follow?

  3. For Both: Discuss with your mate how mutual submission might work in your marriage.

Detailed Notes

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  1. Introduction
    1. Hard-to-hear words
      1. Death, hell, depression, recession, layoff, foreclosure, divorce, cancer, inoperable, infertile, loneliness, paralyzed, sin, war, breakup
      2. Words that imply pain, bias, injustice, fear
      3. Submit: hardest word in relational vocabulary
        1. Submission is good
        2. Healthy
    2. Misconception: Many assume passage begins in v. 22 "Wives"
      1. Begins in v. 21 "one another"
      2. Thought begins in v. 18
        1. Two commands
        2. Four present participles
          1. Speaking
          2. Singing
          3. Giving
          4. Submitting
  2. Submission is Mutual (v. 21)
    1. Expressed simply
      1. "All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word."–Winston Churchill
      2. Paul gives simple roles
        1. "Husbands love your wives" (v. 25)
        2. Wives submit to your husbands
    2. Submit implied: the word "submit" is not there in the Greek; "Submitting to one another in the fear of God. Wives to your own husbands as to the Lord... Husbands, love your wives.
      1. Every person in the family relationship is called to be under submission
        1. Wives to husbands (v. 22)
        2. Husbands to love wives (v. 25)
        3. Children to parents (see Ephesians 6:1)
        4. Parents to children (see Ephesians 6:4)
      2. Husbands are to submit to wives: "Love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her" (v. 25)
        1. No greater act of submission than a willingness to die for another
        2. Cross: the ultimate example of submission
    3. Submission defined
      1. ὑποτάσσω; hupotassó - military term; to arrange in order file, rank
      2. To get in order under someone else
      3. Willing to relinquish your rights
      4. Willingness to cooperate with and adapt to the needs of those you love
    4. Wives not commanded to obey their husbands
      1. "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." (Ephesians 6:1)
      2. ὑπακούω; hupakouó - obey
      3. Slaves to obey masters (see Ephesians 6:5)
      4. Wives are not to be treated like children or slaves; they are partners in eternal life
    5. Mutual submission for functionality
      1. For the function of marriage, there must be submission
      2. Not inferiority or superiority; someone must be the head
      3. "Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does" (1 Corinthians 7:1-4)
      4. Every person in life and family relationships has a role of submission—even Christ
        1. "I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God" (1 Corinthians 11:3).
        2. Jesus is not inferior
          1. "I and My Father are one" (John 10:30)
          2. In very nature God (see Philippians 2:6)
        3. Jesus submits to the Father
          1. "For I have come down from heaven, not to do My own will, but the will of Him who sent Me." (John 6:38)
          2. "If it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will." (Matthew 26:39)
      5. Order needed in Godhead, human government, military, marriage
      6. God has arranged certain roles without taking away the dignity of individuals so relationships can work in order and unity
      7. Overbearing men: (e.g., Ralph Kramden on The Honeymooners)
        1. "I'm the head!"
        2. Women: "If you're the head, then I'm the neck that turns it wherever I want it to go!"
          1. Rivalry
          2. Competition
          3. Manipulation
  3. Submission is Provisional (v. 24)
    1. Parameters
      1. "In everything" (v. 24)
        1. Every text must be interpreted in its context
        2. Context: submitting to one another in the fear (reverence) of God
      2. As to the Lord
      3. As the church is subject to Christ
      4. Everything that is consistent with the character of Christ and not opposed to His revealed Word
      5. If opposed to the Word, appeal to higher authority
      6. God doesn't ask the wife to submit to violent, abusive behavior
        1. According to a study in Christianity Today, "Battered Christian Wives," 2/3 said it was their Christian responsibility to endure their husband's violence
        2. 55% reported their husbands told them if they were more submissive, the violence would stop
        3. Of those, 1/3 believed their husband: thinking submission is the key to domestic violence when it was not
    2. Chain of Command
      1. God
      2. Jesus
      3. Man
      4. Woman
      5. If the chain is broken, God's order is broken
      6. If what the husband requires is not under submission to Jesus, the wife is to step out of submission and submit to the Lord
      7. Example: "We ought to obey God rather than men" (Acts 5:29)
    3. Caution to wives: Watch your attitude
      1. "The husband does not replace Christ as the woman's supreme authority. She must never follow her husband's leadership into sin. But even when a Christian wife may have to stand with Christ against the sinful will of her husband, she can still have a spirit of submission. She can show by her attitude and behavior that she does not like resisting his will and that she longs for him to forsake sin and lead in righteousness so that her disposition to honor him as head can again produce harmony." —John Piper
      2. Attitude of love: "I'd love to submit to you, but I can't. I'd love to see you in obedience to Jesus Christ."
      3. "Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives" (1 Peter 3:1)
  4. Submission is Purposeful: There  is a goal to the role
    1. It Enables Leadership (vv. 22-23)
      1. Some women long for their husband to be leader of the home, but never let him lead: Could it be he is not a good leader, because you aren't a good follower?
      2. Relinquish control
      3. Leadership implies the relinquishing of control and power to the leader
      4. Wife's submission may enable husband to become a good leader
      5. Illustration: Pete Flaherty, a county commissioner in Pittsburgh, and his wife, Nancy. They were standing on the sidewalk surveying a city construction project, when one of the laborers at the site called out to them. “Nancy, remember me?” he asked. “We used to date in high school.” Later Pete teased her. “Aren’t you glad you married me? Just think, if you had married him, you would be the wife of a construction worker.” Nancy looked at him and said, “No, if I would have married him, he would have been a county commissioner!”
      6. Often, a man becomes great because a woman has enabled him to do so
    2. It Points to Christ (vv. 24, 32)
      1. Attaching to a higher relationship with Christ
      2. Part of submitting to Christ includes submitting to husband
      3. Marriage is to be modeled after redemption: point people to Christ and His relationship with the church
        1. Husband to model Jesus' self-sacrificial love
        2. Wife to model church's surrender and submission to Christ
        3. "If you want to know about the relationship between Jesus and His people, look at my marriage"
        4. Your marriage is either a symbol of or a denial of Christ and His church
  5. Submission is Respectful (v.33)
    1. Fear and respect: same word in Greek
      1. High esteem
      2. Reverence
    2. Illustrated: Queen Victoria and Prince Albert; If you want your husband to treat you like a queen, give them respect
    3. Do you act respectfully or disrespectfully?
      1. Respect his position
      2. Jesus tells us things we may not like or agree with, but out of respect we do it
    4. You can build respect in your marriage
      1. Find the things your husband is doing right; encourage him, thank him, acknowledge him
      2. "Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things." (Philippians 4:8)
    5. Women, it is not your job to change your husband; it's God's job: "My job is to love Billy; it's God's job to change him"–Ruth Graham
      1. Prayer
      2. Encouragement

Greek terms: ὑποτάσσω; hupotassó - military term; to arrange in order file, rank; ὑπακούω; hupakouó - obey
Publications referenced: "Battered Christian Women" Christianity Today; The Honeymooners
Figures referenced: Winston Churchill; John Piper; Pete Flaherty; Queen Victoria; Prince Albert; Ruth Graham
Cross references: Matthew 26:39; John 6:38; John 10:30; Acts 5:29; Ephesians 6:1; Ephesians 6:4; Ephesians 6:5; Philippians 2:6; Philippians 4:8; 1 Corinthians 7:1-4; 1 Corinthians 11:3; 1 Peter 3:1

Transcript

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Pastor Skip Heitzig:  Talking about submission today.

Lenya: Yes.

Pastor Skip Heitzig:  Give us what your as a wife, as a woman what's your definition of submission?

Lenya: I think it's relinquishing your rights. Its' not that we don't have certain rights as human beings but sometimes we give them up, we relinquish them generally out of honor or love to reach a higher goal.

Pastor Skip Heitzig:  Okay, that's a great definition. That's something really true on which we're going to do with our message today. You say that the Lord taught you about submission even before we were married. Tell us how that happened?

Lenya: It's a good thing for you, isn't it?

(Laughter)

Pastor Skip Heitzig:  Well, I'm -- listen --.

Lenya: You didn't' have to break me up.

Pastor Skip Heitzig:  As President Reagan once said, "I'm a blessed man."

Lenya: My father was instrumental. Before Skip and I were married, I was a part of a mission organization called Youth With a Mission and I went there for school that lasted six months, and at the end of the school they wanted to hire me to be the school secretary. However higher meant in a mission organization you work --.

Pastor Skip Heitzig:  Work for free.

Lenya: That's right, work without pay. And so I came home to California with my dad, my parents and I already told the school, "Yes, I'm in." But when I got home I realized financially it would be a big burden and I'd have to sell my car and sell everything else and top out the bank account. And one morning I was praying and as I was praying, it was one of those red letter moments. Have you ever opened up your Bible and you feel like the Scripture is like God incarnate, He's right --?

Pastor Skip Heitzig:  It's like a word out of heaven, right --?

Lenya: Oh my gosh, and so I was asking him literally, "What do I do?" "Should I go back?" I said, "I would." And financially and here's the passage, 2 Corinthians 10, "And here is my advice about what is best for you in this matter." And I was like, "Oh, okay." And it was pretty much saying, "You should do what you said you're going to do." You know, whether it's financially burdensome.

Pastor Skip Heitzig:  So you made a promise following it up with the promise, that sort of --?

Lenya: Yeah, I did. So I ran upstairs and I told my dad and I said, "I'm going back to Youth With the Mission to be the mission secretary." And he said, "No." And I thought, "Hmmm." He said, "How much do they pay?" "Nothing."

Pastor Skip Heitzig:  Nothing.

Lenya: And so --.

Pastor Skip Heitzig:  How much the cut?

Lenya: Everything.

Pastor Skip Heitzig:  Yeah.

Lenya: And so, he said, "Look, I'm your father. I'm your head and if you go, you go without my blessing."

Pastor Skip Heitzig:  So what do you do then if you feel the Lord is telling you to do something in a situation like this but your head, your father or your husband says the other thing?

Lenya: Very quietly at night.

Pastor Skip Heitzig:  Strangled it, okay very nice.

Lenya: No. So, I thought I should go call my spiritual leaders, the ones I had promised to go work for, Dave and Debbie Gustafson and I said, "Oh my gosh, the Lord spoke to me a bit. Underlined in my Bible and I dated it in everything." And so they said, "You know what Lenya, you need to submit to your earthly father and let your Heavenly Father work." I was deflated like a helium balloon. I mean I was so discouraged however I said, "Okay dad, I submit to you and if I'm supposed to stay here, I will." And my father is a pediatrist, so submitting to him meant I was going back to work in his office and wash dirty feet.

So it's really, really, really --

Pastor Skip Heitzig:  It's a very biblical thing to do.

Lenya: That's right, that's right. So, you know that's what I told them.

Pastor Skip Heitzig:  So, what happened next?

Lenya: The next morning, I came down and he was reading the paper and he goes, "Honey, I want you to sit down." He goes, "I was really troubled last night, I couldn't sleep well and I kept thinking if you think you heard God's voice and you don't obey it, then I'm hindering it. So you can go with my blessing but not my financial support. If God's in it, he'll provide."

Pastor Skip Heitzig:  Wow! That's a really pretty wise thing for a dad to say, isn't it?

Lenya: Yeah.

Pastor Skip Heitzig:  Did I -- look, I don't want to stand on the way of the Lord but He's going to have to show you that it's His way by providing for it.

Lenya: And God showed my dad.

Pastor Skip Heitzig:  So, what character in the Bible administers to you most about submission?

Lenya: Sarah, because twice her husband asked her to do something very difficult say, you're my sister and not my wife. Twice a King and a Pharaoh take her into a harem and twice Abraham got spanked and told, "Why did you lie to me?" So she trusted God even more than she trusted her husband to take care of things.

Pastor Skip Heitzig:  And the Lord did ultimately take care of her.

Lenya: He did deliver her above times.

Pastor Skip Heitzig:  So finally what did you say to gals who may have a problem in a marriage with the issue of submission?

Lenya: Gals, let go of the rope. Don't have a tug-of-war with your husband. If you let go, God will take hold and they won't be able to wrestle with God.

Pastor Skip Heitzig:  Okay, thank you Lenya. See you at the tug-of-war after this. Just kidding.

This morning would you turn in your Bibles to the Book of Ephesians Chapter 5?

Ephesians 5. Shall we pray? Oh Lord, we're dealing with -- the issue that we deal with today is not easy. But Father, just as being in this room at this time is an act of submission of sorts. We have made a decision to leave our home to get in our cars to come here and to submit in our time with our hearing engaging our bodies as well as our souls to listen to what you would say to us through the word of God. And furthermore, sitting and listening through the entire message that we might apply and obey is yet another act of submission. Lord we pray that you'd help us: help us to hear, help us to implement and help us to course correct if that needs to happen. We would see this as an appointment where you're tweaking our future and we pray that you'd help us do that in Jesus' name. Amen.

Listen, there are some words that when you hear them, they are harder to hear than other words. I could come up with a list to begin with and I did, and you could add to this on your own. Words like deaf, hell, depression, recession, lay off. Words like foreclosure, divorce, cancer, inoperable, infertile, loneliness, paralyzed, sin, war, break-up. Those words are hard words to hear because when we hear those words, they imply a certain amount of pain, bias, injustice and fear.

But let me suggest another word that is also hard to hear and it's the word "submit". It's a six-letter word, to many it's a four-letter word. In fact to some couples it's the hardest word in their relational vocabulary. I saw a cartoon where a Pastor was preaching behind a specially built pulpit. A large stone wall with gun turrets where his pulpit and he was peering out behind between the little crevasses in the gun turret and he said, "My text today is Ephesians 5:22, 'Wives submit to your husbands". You notice I have no such wall. It's because I believe that at the end of this message, you're going to understand and you're going to actually see this as something good. You're going to love this idea that which is the hardest word you'll see as the healthiest word.

So, we're in Chapter 5 of Ephesians. You brought a copy of the Scriptures, I trust. And here's what I have noticed about this section. Most people begin the section of Paul dealing with marriage in Chapter 5 Verse 22 and it's because it says, "Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord." So they assume that's where it begins. And I have also discovered that many men have this verse memorized. It's their life verse. They may not know a look of Scripture but this is embedded, they know it in several translations. They even know it in the original Greek.

Well, that's unfair relationally and it also happens to be out of context Biblically because the thought of submission in Verse 22 doesn't begin in Verse 22. It begins in Verse 21. That's where the thought is introduced, in Verse 21, "Submitting to one another in the fear of God." Not only that but if we step back to Verse 21, we really have to step back to Verse 18 because grammatically that's where the thought begins. In this section and I won't spend much time on this.

Verse 18 has two imperatives or two commands. The two commands one says, "Don't do this, but do this." The two commands are followed by four present participles in the Greek. I just want you to notice them and then we'll get pass this. Speaking is one in Verse 19; singing is number two, Verse 19; giving, Verse 20; and then number four, submitting. Those are present participles in the Greek. Two commands followed by four present participles.

And now we're dealing with the fourth one today, submitting. I read a statement that said, "Every man needs a wife because many things go wrong that he can't blame on the government."  A man wrote that. And it was a man who did not read Verse 21. So, what I'm going to do with you today is give you four statements that are in your worship folder, four statements about submission that come from the text of the Bible itself in Ephesians. Statement number one: Submission is mutual, it's not one-sided, and it's not for one person in the relationship. It is mutual. And notice Verse 21, "Submitting to one another in the fear of God. Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church. And He is the savior of the body. Therefore just as the Church is subject to Christ so let wives be to their own husbands in everything."

And to the husbands, "Husbands, love your wives as Christ also loved the Church and the rest is principally given to the husband." One of the great things about Paul is that he was simple. It was church who said, "The greatest of all ideas can be expressed simply and often with one word."  These are great ideas and Paul essentially gives husbands and wives simple roles. Notice I did not say, "Easy." Every married couple knows these are not easy roles but they're simple. He doesn't say, "Husbands, here's your laborious list: you take out the trash, you clean the garage, you look after the yard, and you walk the dog." It just says, "Husbands, love." That's the word, "Love your wives as Christ love the Church." Not complex -- simple.

He didn't say, "Wives, your job list is such and such." But simply, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord." But here in Verse 21 we discovered that submission is mutual. Now, I'm going to show you something that I hope will blow your mind. Look at Verse 22 and it's good to have a copy of the Bible so you can see it for yourself. Verse 22 says, "Wives --" and what's the word that follows wives? "Submit." Do you know that that word is not there in the Greek text? It just says, "Wives, to your own husbands." So the word is in your Bible in the translation because its implied because of Verse 21. So this is how it reads, Verse 21, "Submitting to one another in the fear of God, wives, to your own husbands as to the Lord. Husbands, love your wives."

So the point is every single person in the family relationship is called to be under submission. The principle is Verse 21. The examples and there are four of them follow it; wives, husbands, children, parents. All four have roles of submission. For the wives, submit to your husband, Verse 22. For the husbands, Verse 25, love your wives. For the children, Chapter 6 Verse 1, obey your parents. For parents, principally fathers, Chapter 6 Verse 4, don't exasperate your children. All of those are roles of submission in submitting to one another, do you get the point?

Now some of you men, the wheels are turning and you're thinking. Now wait, you're saying, "Me, the husband, the head, the man, I am supposed to submit to my wife? Good going, you got it. You have a keen eye for the obvious." That's exactly what the text is saying. Husbands, you have a role as well to submit to your wives. You go, "What would my role be?" Verse 25 is your role and my role, "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her."

You say, "What does that have to do with submission?" It does everything to do with submission. There's no greater act of submission than the willingness to die for another person. Does the cross of Christ which is the example, is the ultimate example of submission in history? And so husbands, you love your wives like Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her. So the point then is that every single person in the home, whether it's a husband or a wife or a children or parents have a certain role of submitting to one another in the fear of God.

What does the word mean anyway, submission? The Greek word is hupotasso -- hupotasso. It has a military connotation but don't get stomped by that. It simply means, "To arrange in order or in file or in rank to get in order underneath someone else." That's what it means. So the idea is you're willing to relinquish your rights. As I see it, let me give you what I consider the best definition. Submission is the willingness to cooperate with and adapt to the needs of those you love. Submission is the willingness to cooperate with and adapt to the needs of those you love. Wives, do that to your husbands.

There's something else I want you to notice, especially men, I want you to notice. It does not say, "Women, wives obey your husbands." Now let me finish my file before you go with that in your minds. It doesn't say that. That would be a different Greek word that Paul does use in this section. When he says, "Children--", Chapter 6 Verse 1, "--obey your parents in the Lord." And the word "obey" is "hupakouo", he doesn't use that word. It is also used a few verses down when he says, "Slaves or servants, be obedient to your earthly masters, hupakouo." But for the wife, he doesn't use the word, he uses the word "submit", hupotasso. To arrange in order underneath someone else. Here's the point, wives are not to be treated like children or slaves. They are partners in eternal life, there's a mutuality but for the function of a family, there must be submission. So when you hear the term submission, it does not imply inferiority or superiority, it implies functionality. Someone has to be the head so that this thing can function properly, that's true in any area of life. But it implies mutuality and it implies functionality.

Now, I'd like you to turn to another passage, keep a marker here or keep your finger then turn back to 1 Corinthians Chapter 7, just go left a few blocks and you'll find it. 1 Corinthians 7, it's a great example. Verse 1, you found it? 1 Corinthians 7:1, "Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman nevertheless because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife and let each woman have her own husband." Do you understand? See how the language in first, mutuality. Not one has a person but both share each other.

Verse 3, "Let the husband render to the wife the affection do her and likewise also the wife to her husband." The wife does not have authority over her own body but the husband does, but don't stop there man. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body but the wife does. Both partners then submit because both belong to each other. So submission is the willingness to cooperate with and adapt to the needs of those you love.

Here's the big point, every single person in life and principally in these family relationships has a role of submission. Men, women, children, parents and get this -- ready? Even Christ is called to submit.

I hope that grabbed your attention. I want you to see it in the scripture. You're on 1 Corinthian 7, go over the 1 Corinthians 11. 1 Corinthians Chapter 11, do you see how this principle works out and why it's applicable? 1 Corinthians 11:2, "Now, I praise brethren that you remember me in all things and keep the traditions just as I delivered them to you. But I want you to know that the head of every man," or husband in context, "every man is Christ and the head woman is man and the head of Christ is God." Now does that verse mean that Jesus is somehow inferior to God? No, we would be heretics if we stated that. Jesus said, "My father and I are one." Paul the Apostle said, "Jesus was in very nature, God." But he didn't have a problem submitting to God the Father, that's why Jesus in John 6 said, "I didn't come from heaven to do my own will, but the will of Him that sent me." That's why in the Garden of Gethsemane Jesus said, "If it's possible Father, let this cup pass from me nevertheless not as I will but as you will." So understand from that example, the issue isn't superiority and inferiority, the issue is functionality and order that is needed in the God head, it's needed in human government, it's needed in the military and it's needed also in marriage.

God has arranged certain rules that without taking away the dignity of the individual, relationships can work in order and in unity. When I was a kid my parents used to watch the show on television so I am very familiar with her growing up and watching re-runs up the Honeymooners. Remember that black and white show of Ralph and Alice Kramdenm, this New York City couple that are getting along really -- they never did get along. It's a comedy but there are some dicey moments in it, and Ralph Kramden was the head the home. He said that in every episode. And if Alice as wife said something he didn't like, you know he'd dabble up his fist and go, "To the moon Alice, I'm the king of the castle." And then she would say, "Oh, Ralph don't start again." And then they would go back and forth.

There is a lot frustrated Ralph Kramden's in the marital relationships. "You talk back to me, 20 push ups. Submit."  And he thinks that, "I'm the head." And she is thinking, "If you're the head, then I'm the neck that turns the head where ever I wanted to go." And so, there is rivalry and competition and manipulation that sets in. And there is not a mutual submission of a husband loving and a wife arranging in order underneath so that there can be unity.

So first of, submission is mutual. Here is the second statement that comes from the text. "Submission is provisional" there are provisions attached to the idea of submission. It's not just a blanket statement to submit, it has parameters around it. That is, it has a limited enforcement. Now, I know some of you are already in Verse 24 saying, "Wait, it says skip in Verse 24, Wives are to submit to their husbands in -- what?" Everything. However, every text must be interpreted in the light of its context with and around the text. So that you don't take a verse out of context, look at it in its context. Let's do it together.

Look at some of the other words around it, like in Verse 21 where it says, "Submitting to one another and notice in the fear reverence of God. Look at Verse 22, the verse itself. "Wives submit to your own husbands," but look, "as to the Lord." And then Verse 24, "As the church is subject to Christ so that their wives be to their husbands in everything." So, that means that the everything here means everything consistent with the character of Christ that has not opposed to his revealed word. This is what it means, if your husband tells you to do something that is not right, don't pray, don't read your Bible, don't go to church, go out and get drunk on the weekend with me," if he would ever say that to you. "Neglect the kids or whatever it might be that's suppose to what God told you to do."

You don't submit to that, you now appeal to a higher authority that is even over you husband. God never asked a wife in the name of submission to violate his word. Well, let me add something to that. God doesn't require a wife to submit to the violent abusive behavior of a husband that would be out of control in that area. Christianity today did a study and released an article, and the article was on battered Christian women. Can you imagine even having to do study on that? Battered Christian women.

In the study and they wrote it out in the article, two-thirds of these women said it was their Christian responsibility to endure their husband's violence. 55% reported that their husbands told them that if they'd be more submissive, the violence would stop. And one-third believed their husbands thinking that submission was the key to resolving domestic violence but it was not. Now, go back to what you read in the bible with me moments ago, 1 Corinthians 11, remember the chain of command. God the Father, Jesus Christ, man then woman. If that chain is broken anywhere along the line, God's order is broken.

So, if Jesus is not the head over the husband, but as the head over the wife, if Jesus isn't over that husband who is giving orders to his wife, if what he says to his wife is contrary to what God has said in his word, the wife must step out of submission to her husband and submit to the Lord. It's a principle found in Acts 5, when a law was passed in Jerusalem for the Apostles not to preach the gospel anymore. But now wait a minute, Jesus told them to go in the other world and preach the gospel. That's why Peter said, "I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to obey you," we must obey God rather than men. That's the principle.

Now, I want to caution you wives, just in case when you hear these words you're thinking, "Hell diggity dog, I'm free at last, I'm free at last. I do not have to submit to that creep. He's telling me things that are unbiblical and I'm going to just -- no way."  Watch your attitude. John Pipper wrote these words, "The husband does not replace Christ as the woman's supreme authority. She must follow her husband's leadership, but she must not follow her husband's leadership in the sin." Even where a Christian wife may have to stand with Christ against the simple will of her husband, she can still have a spirit of submission. She can show by her attitude and behavior that she does not like resisting his will and that she longs for him to forsake his sin and lead in righteousness so that her disposition to honor him as head can again produce harmony.

It's that attitude, boy, I'd love to submit to you but I can't. I really want to, I want love to see you in obedience to Jesus Christ but you're not and you're asking me to do something that would violate that relationship with him and I can obey it. Though I'd love to obey you, I just can't do it now. That's what Peter meant when he wrote about submission. In 1 Peter 3 he said, "Wives be submissive to your own husband so that if any of them do not believe the word that is the truth of the Gospel, they maybe one over without words by the behavior of their wives. You could lead your husband to Christ by an attitude of submission, even if he resists his will. Let's not surrender to Christ."

Now, let me give you the third principle. Submission is purposeful. Submission is mutual, it's provisional but it has a goal, it's purposeful. It's not like God says, "Do what I say just because I said it." You say, do what I say because there is a goal to the role and it's too full. Goal number one, women, your submission to your husband will enable his leadership, that's implied in Verse 23 for the husband is the head of the wife as also Christ is the head of the church and he is the savior of the body.

You know, many women say they long for their husbands to be leaders in the home, but they never let them lead. Could it be? It's not always the case but could it be that your husband is not a good leader because you're not a good follower?

You got to let go of the rope. You got to relinquish some control. It could be hard for him to be a leader because you're not letting him do that. Remember, leadership implies the relinquishing of control and power to the leader.

Our wife might think "Well, if he'd only do what I say, he'd be a good leader." "This guy doesn't lead. He makes stupid decisions." Be careful, don't go there. He did choose to ask you to marry him so I probably just push that aside for the moment and forget about his role. Just understand that submission to him might enable him to blossom. It could be that if you step back and he might struggle at first that your submission could cause him to rise up and become what he could never be unless you just relinquish.

And a great story about Pete Flaherty who was the County Commissioner in Pittsburg, Pennsylvania. He and his wife Nancy were on a construction site. They were building something and he was overlooking the management of that. And as they were on the sidewalk looking at the project, one of the construction workers yelled out to his wife Nancy. He said "Nancy, remember me? We dated in high school." He hadn't seen her for a long time.

And when Pete and Nancy got on the car and drove away, Pete with a big kind of a proud Country Commissioner smile said; "Aren't you glad you didn't marry him but you married me? If you had married him, you'd be the wife of a construction worker." She smiled and said, "Sweetheart, if I would have married him, he would have been the Country Commissioner."

There's something to that. So often, a man becomes great because a woman has enabled him to do that. And it's difficult and risky as it might be, it includes submission. Submission then has a goal. It has a purpose. To enable his leadership, to let it grow but has a higher purpose. Here's the second one. It points to Christ.

In Verse 22, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord." In other words, you are attaching your relationship on a human level to a higher relationship you have with Jesus. I'm submitting to him because part of my relationship of submitting to Christ includes that. And then in Verse 24, "Therefore, just as the Church is subject to Christ so that their wives speak to their husbands in everything.

Go down a few verses. Look at 30. "For we are members of his body that is the Church." The metaphor speaks of that "--of his flesh and of his bones. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." his is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

If I'm reading this correctly, this and other passages, the marriage is to be modeled after redemption. The marriage is to point people heavenward toward Christ and the relationship with us, his people, the church so that for the husband, his model is the self-sacrificial love of Jesus toward his people by be willing to give his life for them. And the wife is modeled after the church in surrender and submission to Christ.

So, people should be able to look at our marriage and it should even if it's dimly point people to Christ and say "If you want to know to kind of relationship that Jesus has with his people, you look at my marriage. It's modeled after redemption." I'll distill it into this thought and we'll move on.

Your marriage is either a symbol of or a denial of Christ and his church. That's the principle. There's no greater ideal for marriage than that it points to Jesus for that's the purpose, that's the goal. So, the role of submission is purposeful.

Here's the fourth statement and we'll close. Submission is respectful. It includes respect. Go all the way down to the bottom of the section which is Verse 33 for husbands and wives and Paul writes "Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love to his own wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband."

Look at the word respect in verse 33 and look at the word in Verse 21 fear. Can you see that?

Two different words, right? In Greek, it's the same exact word. Fear means highest steam or respect or reverence.

Last century, well, in the 1800's actually when Queen Victoria was just married to Prince Albert, they had one of their first marital arguments. That would be interesting in that royal family argument. She's the queen of England and he is the guy, not the king, the guy.

So they're married, and they have an argument and Prince Albert walks off, walks away from the argument, goes to a private apartment, locks the door and he's inside. The queen follows, bangs on the door. And Prince Albert says from the inside "Who's there?" And she says "It's the queen of England." and she demands entrance. How intimidating. He didn't say a word.

A few minutes later, she bangs again and says "It's the queen of England." She demands entrance. He didn't say anything. After a few frustrating moments comes another little meek tap on the door and he said "Who's there?" And she said "It's your wife, Albert. It's your wife, not the queen. I realized I'm your wife."

What's the moral of the story? It could be wives, if you want your husbands to treat you like a queen, give them a little respect. Respect them. Do you respect your husbands? Do you act respectfully towards them or disrespectfully? You maybe thinking, "Well, I've got some room to grow in that area."

When your husbands says something, do you immediately have a come back or do you roll your eyes? You can see it, can't you in a dynamic of a husband and wife. He says something as she rolls her eyes there and she goes -- Can I just say that's not respect. That's disrespect. Part of submission is to respect the position.

You know Jesus Christ, I believe has told me to do things I didn't like when he told me to do. I didn't agree with what he told me to do. But out of respect, I surrendered. That's the Christian life. It's the married life, God the father, Jesus Christ, the husband, the wife, all in surrender and submission.

Here's a closing thought. Can you learn respect? Can you build respect in a marriage? Yes you can and here's how. Wives, find the things your husband is doing right and encourage them. Thank him. Acknowledge him. Find the things he's doing right. Now you might be thinking "I really have to dig pretty deep." Okay, whatever but that's a biblical principle.

In Philippians 4, Paul writes "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if there's anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about these things."

So girls, if you were to keep a journal and that does mean your little phone or your iPad and you write down or you acknowledge when you find that your husband does something right, you thank him. You encourage him. You send him a text. You send him an email.

A husband and wife got up one morning, set up breakfast with each other and the wife turned toward her husband and gave one of those smiles. She said; "You don't know what today is, do you?" and he said "Yes I do." really defensively and immediately, "Yes I do." And it was time after breakfast for him to go off to the office so he went off to the office.

At 10 o'clock in the morning, there was a knock on her door and someone delivered the flower shop several long-stemmed red roses. At 1 o'clock in the afternoon, another knock came on the door. This time it was two-pound box of choice chocolates. In the early afternoon, another knock came on the door. The boutique showed up with a designer dress for that girl. She was beside herself could not wait for her husband to come home. Husband walked in the door, she flung her arms around him and she said, "Oh sweetheart, I've been waiting for you to come home.

First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress. Honey I've never had a more wonderful Groundhogs day in all my life." Okay. So he didn't remember what day it was but it's pretty good for Groundhogs Day wouldn't you say? It's a great response.

Whether it's your anniversary and he treats you like that or he just wants to do it on Groundhogs day, great. Women, can I say a final word? It is not your job to change your husband. It's God's job. You're going, "It's not? I really always thought that was my job." It's not your job.

Ruth Graham was famous for saying -- the late wife of Dr. Billy Graham, "My job is to love Billy. It's God's job to change Billy." She lived by that. She prayed for her husband. She encouraged her husband but it's God's job to change him.

Father, we know the value of encouragement, all of us do. We know what it feels like when somebody says to us "You did a good job." or "You're pretty wonderful." or "I really like this about you." or "That really helped me."

It's a wonderful trait that goes along with another trait that Paul spokes so often about and that is thanksgiving, to be thankful. And I pray that these attitudes would permeate our relationships that we as your people especially as married couples would lubricate the gears of the marriage machine by a thankful, respectful, encouraging submission to one another, as wives, arranging herself underneath the headship of her husband, as a husband, aligning himself him self under the headship of Christ. Even it's in the Trinity, Christ does with you Father. It's a wonderful example for us.

And as you have given to us Jesus, as husband to emulate and the church's wives to emulate so that there will be no anarchy but there will be unity and functionality. You've given us these roles. Help us to embrace them in Jesus' name. Amen.

Additional Messages in this Series

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6/10/2012
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No Man Is An Island
Genesis 2:18-22
Skip Heitzig
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Welcome to a new series! If you're presently not married, don't tune out! You may be someday and it will be worth the investment to listen and learn. If you are married, this will provide needed affirmation of your marriage vows. Let's make a deal—let's decide that it's not enough to just survive in our marriages; let's aim to thrive in them. To do that, we have to revisit God's original design and plan for this foundational relationship.
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6/17/2012
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The First Wedding
Genesis 2:23-25
Skip Heitzig
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Today we go back in time to the first wedding—the prototype. The Divine Architect had something specific in mind when He established marriage. Before the days of ancient polygamy, before the days of male chauvinism and neo-feminism, before the days of no-fault divorce and pre-nuptial agreements was the simplicity of God and His creation. There He brought a man and woman together. What did He want this relationship to be like?
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6/24/2012
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Trouble In Paradise
Genesis 3:1-20
Skip Heitzig
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One pundit said, "'And they lived happily ever after' is one of the most tragic sentences in literature. It's tragic because it tells a falsehood about life and has led countless generations of people to expect something from human existence that is not possible on this fragile, failing, imperfect earth." Even in Eden, Adam and Eve didn't live happily ever after. The fall of man into sin brought repercussions that are still felt today.
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7/1/2012
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Gender Wars
Genesis 1-3
Skip Heitzig
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"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" reads a popular book title. The genders are different from each other; we were designed that way. Today we consider that design and how it became marred. This section of Scripture helps us understand the roots of chauvinism and feminism, both of which have added confusion to our culture. It also helps us understand the roles God gave to men and women, and how they work today.
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7/8/2012
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Friends with Benefits
Matthew 22:37-40
Nate Heitzig
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No matter how you view dating, finding the right mate can be tricky. What should you be looking for in a potential spouse? How can you know that this is God's best for you? Though the Bible is silent about dating per se, it says a lot about how we are to treat one another and what our priorities ought to be. These principles play a major factor in the success of dating relationships—and marriages. Let's open our Bibles to Matthew 22:37-40 for guidance in playing the sometimes challenging dating game.
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7/22/2012
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The Storm-Proof Shelter of a Husband's Love
Ephesians 5:25-32
Skip Heitzig
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OK men, it's our turn today—God's blueprint for husbands is in view here. God's plan is for a man's love to become a strong shelter for his wife. The kind of love the Bible directs a husband to have is the kind that makes it easy for a woman to submit to. In fact, I believe the husband holds the key to a flourishing relationship by his initiating and cultivating love.
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7/29/2012
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Strength and Honor
Hebrews 13:4
Levi Lusko
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From crude advertising campaigns to raunchy entertainment, sex has been taken captive to a mindset of dishonor and shame. In truth, sex is a gift from God. He knows best how it can be fully enjoyed—within the marriage relationship. As we ponder the biblical principles of honor and integrity, we gain a deeper understanding of God's plan for purity before marriage and a vibrant sex life afterward.
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8/5/2012
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Homemaker or Homebreaker?
Titus 2;Proverbs 31
Skip Heitzig
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We are surrounded by hostile, home-shattering influences in our world today. The supportive elements of society no longer shade and protect us (like they once did). The Christian home must blossom in a field of weeds! Today I'd like to speak to wives in their role as homemakers (fightin' words for some). Let's take a twenty-first century look at a centuries-old struggle and why God honors the role of the homemaker.
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8/12/2012
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Needed: Real Men!
Joshua 24:1-15
Skip Heitzig
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The definition of what a real man is will vary from person to person, background to background, and ideology to ideology. But one thing is certain: A man who really is godly and really is a spiritual leader and really serves his family is RARE! Today we consider the aged leader of the ancient Hebrew nation, who was calling on the men of his generation to become real men. Joshua instructed those men to do three things.
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8/19/2012
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How to Have a Love Affair with Your Spouse - Part 1
Proverbs 5
Skip Heitzig
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Being intimate with someone involves more than just sex. Intimacy is a sense of caring and affection in which one can be totally vulnerable without the fear of being hurt or misunderstood. Intimacy is essential if a marriage is going to thrive. How about your marriage? Do these following three elements that foster intimacy exist in your marriage?
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8/26/2012
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How to Have a Love Affair with Your Spouse - Part 2
Proverbs 5:15-21; Song_of_Solomon 1:1-7:13
Skip Heitzig
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For a majority of married couples, the word enduring sums up their nuptial experience. But let me offer another word, the idea of which comes straight from Scripture itself: It’s the word enjoying. For those of you who merely endure your marriage, you could enjoy it. Using two of the writings of King Solomon, we will explore four areas that healthy married couples could and should be experiencing enjoyment in.
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9/2/2012
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Weeds of Unfaithfulness in the Garden of Love
Matthew 5:27-30
Skip Heitzig
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A wise sage once remarked, "Passion is like fire and water—they are good servants but bad masters!" Sexual passion is like that, and every married couple needs to tend the garden of their love very carefully. That means pulling out the weeds that could lead to unfaithful behavior. Many a marriage has been burned in the fire of adultery or flooded with inordinate passion. Let's consider how our marriages can stay "adultery proof."
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9/9/2012
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Faith Walkin' and Tongue Talkin'
James 3:1-12
Gino Geraci
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Who or what controls your speech? Like a mighty ship that is controlled by a small rudder, our tongues are a small member with great power. Our speech is being controlled either by the Lord or it is being controlled by our own anger, bitterness, and selfishness. When Jesus is in control, we do not have to fear what is going to leak out between our teeth. In our text this week, we learn to be wary that we don't offend with our tongue.
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9/30/2012
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Short Fuse for the Long Haul!
Ephesians 4:25-32
Skip Heitzig
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How can couples have a good fight? Let's face it, there are good fights and there are bad ones. And anger only complicates things. Since marriage is a "long haul" commitment and some people have a "short fuse," there are four principles you need to know in order to fight fair. Moreover, disagreements can actually strengthen your relationship. How?
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10/7/2012
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Partners for Life
Psalm 1:1-6; Malachi 3:6-10
Bob Shank
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When couples marry, they form a partnership where they each agree to cooperate for their mutual interests—it's a partnership between a husband and a wife. But, there is a third party in that partnership—God. Each person's personal relationship with Jesus should be as active and as powerful as their relationship with each other. In this study, we see how we can improve our partnership with God and ensure His blessing on our lives, and we receive concise teaching on what God means when He tells us to test Him regarding our finances.
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10/14/2012
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Have a New You by Friday
Dr. Kevin Leman
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Guest speaker Dr. Kevin Leman provides insights for making changes in our marriages and our families. How do we change our behavior? By deciding to act differently! Let’s give 100% of ourselves to God—He is worth nothing less.
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10/21/2012
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In Sickness and in Health
Job 1-2
Skip Heitzig
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Couples who marry begin their relationship with a verbal contract of wedding vows. They are happy and eager to repeat the familiar "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health," but most fail to read the fine print of those negative possibilities. Today we will consider what happens in a marriage when health issues become the issue.
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10/28/2012
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The Most Important Job in the World
Ephesians 6:4
Skip Heitzig
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What job could possibly be more important to the world than a parent? A surgeon, lawyer, president, pastor, or economist? Nope! Think of a parent's influence: Every word and deed of a parent becomes a fiber woven into the character of a child that ultimately determines how that child fits into the fabric of society. But children can both unify a marriage relationship and challenge it. Let's pull some principles out of Ephesians 6:4 to see how to "Keep Calm" while raising kids.
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11/4/2012
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In-laws or Outlaws?
Genesis 28-31
Skip Heitzig
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When two people get married, they don't simply marry each other; they marry into an extended family consisting of mother-in-law, father-in-law, and perhaps even sister-in-law and brother-in-law. These in-laws come in all sizes and shapes, and all personalities, and there is the potential for these in-laws to become outlaws to the married couple. Today we explore that relationship and see pitfalls to avoid as well as practices to apply.
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11/11/2012
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The Unequal Yoke
2 Corinthians 6:11-18; 1 Peter 3:1-22
Skip Heitzig
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There is a hybrid relationship we haven’t talked out yet—the unequally yoked marriage: when one spouse is a believer while the other is an unbeliever. Such a relationship can occur for a whole number of reasons and can provide a whole host of challenges. But it can also be managed, and done so well: with grace and great success. Let’s consider this relationship today.
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11/18/2012
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Are You Building a House or a Home?
Psalm 127
Skip Heitzig
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Message Summary
John Henry Jowett wrote, “Anyone can build a house: We need the Lord for the creation of a home.” There’s a huge difference between the construction of these two: One is built with earthly materials and anxious thoughts; the other is the result of strong relationships. As we conclude our series today, consider how you’re planning for the future.
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There are 21 additional messages in this series.
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