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The Storm-Proof Shelter of a Husband's Love
Ephesians 5:25-32
Skip Heitzig

Ephesians 5 (NKJV™)
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,
26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word,
27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.
28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.
29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.
30 For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones.
31 "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."
32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

New King James Version®, Copyright © 1982, Thomas Nelson, Inc. All rights reserved.

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Keep Calm and Marry On

OK men, it's our turn today—God's blueprint for husbands is in view here. God's plan is for a man's love to become a strong shelter for his wife. The kind of love the Bible directs a husband to have is the kind that makes it easy for a woman to submit to. In fact, I believe the husband holds the key to a flourishing relationship by his initiating and cultivating love.

A Christian marriage is intended to portray Christ and His church to the world. But how do we ensure that our marriages live up to God's standards? God's Word contains what we need not only to flourish, but to overcome the emotional, societal, and spiritual attacks we face in our marriages. In this series, Pastor Skip Heitzig covers various scriptural texts to give us the biblical view on marriage. From dating to dealing with in-laws; from anger management to managing your finances; from conflict resolution to delightful sexual relations, this powerful series will provide the tools you need to strengthen your home and relationships.

FREE - Download Entire Series (MP3) (Help) | Buy series | Buy audiobook

Outline

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  1. The Meaning of a Husband's Love (v. 25a)

    1. The Husband

    2. The Husband's Love

  2. The Manner of a Husband's Love (vv. 25-31)

    1. Sacrificial Love

    2. Sanctifying Love

    3. Secure Love

    4. Stable Love

  3. The Mission of a Husband's Love (v. 32)

Detailed Notes

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  1. Introduction
    1. Storms of life, marriage
      1. Marriage requires deep commitment
      2. "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half-shut afterwards."– Benjamin Franklin
    2. When people get married, love is strong and uncompromising, Tendency for love to wane over time
      1. "Seven Ages of the Married Cold" The Saturday Evening Post: "1st year cold: The husband said, 'Sugar! I'm really worried about my baby girl! You've got a bad sniffle… I'm putting you in the hospital this afternoon for a general check-up… I know the food is lousy there, so I'll be bringing you food from Rosini's. I've already got it all arranged with the floor superintendent.'
        2nd year cold: 'Listen, darling! I don't like the sound of that cough! I've called Dr. Miller to rush over here. Now you go to bed like a good little girl just rest for me there, please.'
        3rd year cold: 'Maybe you better lie down, honey. Nothing like a little rest when you feel lousy. I'll bring you something to eat. Do you have any canned soup?'
        4th year cold: 'Now look dear, be sensible! After you've fed the kids, washed the dishes, you'd better lie down.'
        5th year cold: 'Why don't you take a couple of aspirin?'
        6th year cold: 'If you'd just gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a seal!'
        7th year cold: 'For Pete's sake, stop sneezing! Are you trying to give me pneumonia!?'"
      2. Any relationship left untended will deteriorate over time and become less satisfying
      3. Every person on earth is incompatible with every other person on earth
      4. "In any marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find and to continue to find grounds for marriage"–Robert Anderson
    3. Purpose of Series
      1. Good marriages better
      2. Shaky marriages not only survive, but thrive
    4. In this passage, more written real estate given to the role of husband
      1. Three verses address wives (vv.22-24)
      2. Three times that amount devoted to husbands (vv.25-33)
      3. The key rests with husbands
  2. The Meaning of a Husband’s Love (v. 25a)
    1. The Husband
      1. Meaning
        1. Original: one who works the soil; a tiller of the ground
          1. "I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser." (John 15:1, NKJV)
          2. "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener." (John 15:1, NIV)
          3. "I am the true vine, and my Father is the husbandman." (John 15:1, KJV)
        2. Webster
          1. A married man
          2. A prudent or frugal manager
      2. Husband is one who cultivates the marriage relationship
        1. Wisely manages the home
        2. Initiator
          1. Women want men to be the spiritual leader in the relationship
          2. Not easy
          3. Chinese proverb: It's harder to lead a family than it is to rule a nation
        3. We need Christian leaders in politics, but we need Christian leaders in families more so
    2. The Husband’s Love
      1. ἀγαπᾶτε; agapate - love
        1. Second person, plural, present, active, imperative
        2. Command
        3. ἀγαπάω; agapao - extraordinary, far-reaching love
      2. Husband is the head of home; must have a heart for the home
        1. Wives never told to love husbands; husbands commanded to love wives
        2. "Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives" The Message
          1. Not: husbands rule over your wives
          2. Not: husbands subjugate and conquer your wives
          3. Be lavish in love
        3. Husband's authority to be mixed with affection
          1. Wife responds to her husband's love
          2. Like iron rubbed with a magnet becomes magnetized
          3. Love in a marriage more caught than taught
      3. Husband who's a leader but not a lover is a tyrant
      4. Husband who's a lover not a leader is a sentimental sap
      5. Combine a leader with loving tenderness, a man
      6. Valuable things take time
        1. More time they take to manage, cultivate, maintain, the more valuable they are
        2. Like tending a garden to bring forth fruit
      7. Marriage the most challenging relationship
      8. God-given pattern
        1. Wives submit to husbands
        2. Husbands love wives
        3. If something goes wrong, not because there's a problem with the pattern—someone left the garden untended
      9. Two analogies "as"
        1. As Christ loves the church
        2. As you love your own body
  3. The Manner of a Husband’s Love (vv. 25-31)
    1. Sacrificial Love
      1. As Christ loved the church and give Himself for her
        1. Extraordinary love motivated Jesus to step out of heaven, come to earth, die on the cross, and give eternal life
        2. On earth he was rejected, mocked, spit on, yelled at
      2. Do you sacrifice for your wife?
        1. Willing to give something up for her
        2. Take a bullet for your wife: ultimate sacrifice
          1. Necessarily means you would be willing to make lesser sacrifices
          2. Find out what she wants
      3. Whether she fulfills her role or not: "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)
        1. Unconditional
        2. Irrevocable
      4. Child's accurate description: "Love was when my grandmother got arthritis and she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore so my grandpa did it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too."
    2. Sanctifying Love
      1. Sanctify: to set something apart for its original purpose; fulfilling the purpose for which something was created (e.g., sitting in a chair)
      2. Help your wife grow and mature to fulfill her role in the relationship
        1. Initiate
        2. Garden
        3. Cultivate
        4. To reach her role in the relationship:
          1. "I will make him a helper comparable to him" (Genesis 2:18)
          2. One like opposite him; north pole and south pole
      3. Not just a housewife, my wife
        1. We are partners
        2. I couldn't be what I am without you
    3. Secure Love
      1. A wife is the extension of the husband
        1. They have become one; they are a unit
        2. "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." (Genesis 2:23)
      2. As you love your body
        1. Feed them
        2. Clothe them
        3. Take care of them
        4. Develop a sense of wellbeing
      3. Study with mirror outside a building
        1. People like to look at themselves
        2. Men stop to do it more than women
        3. Body conscious
    4. Stable Love
      1. Come from days, weeks, months, years of leaving, cleaving, and weaving
      2. Love: Second person, plural, present, active, imperative
        1. A command to keep on loving her
        2. "Husbands, keep on actively, repeatedly, without stopping, loving your wives"
      3. Typical pattern: Man sees, likes, impresses, she responds, marriage, man thinks: "conquest over"
        1. Romancing, nurturing, communication comes to a halt
        2. Stable love continues
  4. The Mission of a Husband’s Love (v. 32)
    1. Marriage is intended to become a horizontal microcosm of a vertical reality
      1. Relating with other people is horizontal
      2. A picture and example of our relationship with God:
        1. A means of seeing what the churches relationship is like:
        2. Makes the relationship visible
    2. Need to be able to resolve their conflict in order to have a message about the love of God and forgiveness of Christ
    3. A good marriage is a good witness; a bad marriage is a bad witness
    4. Family is under attack
      1. The role of a husband is under attack
      2. Satanic attack to undermine the husband's role
        1. To neutralize an army kill the commander
        2. To demoralize a nation, kill its king/president
        3. To ruin a church, devastate its pastor
        4. To ruin a family, take out the leader
    5. God is honored by a tender warrior, servant leader, initiator, cultivator
    6. "Getting married is easy. Staying married is more difficult. Staying happily married for a lifetime is among the fine arts."–Roberta Flack

Greek terms: ἀγαπᾶτε; agapate - love; ἀγαπάω; agapao - extraordinary, far-reaching love
Publications referenced: "Seven Ages of the Married Cold" The Saturday Evening Post; The Message
Figures referenced: Ben Franklin, Robert Anderson, Roberta Flack
Cross references: Genesis 2:18; Genesis 2:23; John 15:1; Romans 5:8

Transcript

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Lord, it has been really a great the last several weeks going through what the Old and New Testament tell us regarding this covenant relationship that we call marriage. We understand that these are the standards, this is the pattern, these are the roles. But that, though stated simply, they are not easy and that it requires the power of Your Spirit and the kind of attentive accountability that comes from people around us in our families, and our small groups, our church family.

But we pray Lord, that you'd give us ears to hear. And sometimes we listen better after we have been hurt, or scarred, or are in the midst of it. It's just funny that way. But we are that way and we pray that no matter what the situation is with anyone listening to this message today that whether we're in the fire or we're on stable ground and things are good that we would listen in a way that would honor You and that we could put these truths into practice that would speak of You. In Jesus' name, amen.

Let me tell you a story about a pastor that I know of who was speaking in Chicago at Moody Bible Institute. He must have been speaking about marriage. He was a guest speaker. And while he was back there, somebody from there handed him a letter—a gal. It said, "Dear Pastor, I've never really struggled with my future. I've left my future into the hands of God. I really wanna be married; but I believe that the Lord has all of that in His control." But she wrote in her note, "Every night, I kneel down at the foot of my bed after I've hung a pair of men's pants at the foot of the bed." And she said, "I pray this prayer. 'Father in heaven, hear my prayer and grant it if you can. I've hung a pair of trousers here. Please fill them with a man.'"

It's a great prayer. He loved that so much that when he, the following week, got back to his own congregation, he wanted to share that with them even though it didn't really fit with his sermon, he did it anyway and his congregation loved it. They laughed. They thought it was such a great note. But he noticed that there was a family toward the front of the auditorium where he was speaking in his church and it was a man, a father with his oldest son. His wife however wasn't with them. She was at home attending to a sick daughter. And he noticed when he told the story that I just told you and the congregation laughed at, the father loved it and he laughed. But the oldest son, the teenage son, just was as serious as all get out, eyes fixed on what he was hearing but no humorous reaction at all.

A few weeks later, the same pastor got a note from that oldest boy's mother who wasn't at the service—the wife of that man. And the letter said, "Dear Pastor," she said, "Should I be worrying? Every night when my son goes to bed, he hangs a bikini at the foot of the bed."

You know, I don't know what you expected when you got married, what role you expected your spouse to fill in that marriage. But I will tell you this: that, there are enough storms that come into relationships and marriage that a pair of pants or a bikini just won't cut it. It takes deep commitment.

It was Benjamin Franklin who gave this wise advice, "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards." Let's look in Ephesians 5 and open our eyes to the roles of the husband and wife once again. And this week we want to look at the role of the husband and it's simply put, before we even get to it. It says, "Husbands, love your wives."

Typically, when people get married, that love is there, it's strong, it's uncompromising, but there is a tendency for, over time, that love to wane.

Let me give you a fun illustration. Years ago in the Saturday Evening Post, they ran a little article called, "The Seven Ages of the Married Cold." That is seven years worth of a husband responding to his wife when she gets a cold. The first year of their marriage, he says, "Sugar, I'm really worried about my little baby girl. You've got a bad sniffle. I wanna put you in a hospital for a complete checkup. I know the food is lousy, but I've arranged for your meals to be sent up from Rossini's. It's all arranged." But the second year he says, "Listen honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I've called Dr. Miller and he's gonna rush right over. Now, will you go to bed and just rest for me there please."

Third year, "Maybe you better lie down, honey. Nothing like a little rest if you're feeling bad; I'll bring you something to eat. Got any soup in the house?" Fourth year, "Look dear, be sensible. After you've fed the kids and wash the dishes, you better hit the sack." Fifth year, "Why don't you take a couple of aspirin." Sixth year, "If you just gargle or something instead of sitting around barking like a seal." Can you tell it's getting worse? Seventh year, "For heaven's sake, stop sneezing! What are you trying to do, give me pneumonia?"

Now that's funny but all humor aside, here's the principle and here's what I want you to walk away with, self-included: Any relationship left untended will deteriorate over time and become less satisfying. Any relationship left untended will deteriorate over time and become less satisfying. I've always believed that every person on earth is incompatible with every other person on earth. Just give it time, they'll discover that. And the question then comes, when you discover—Uh 0h—what do you do now?

Robert Anderson writes, "In any marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find and continue to find grounds for marriage." It's my prayer that that will happen in this series. It has been our prayer of our team all along that good marriages would be made better and marriages that are on shaky ground a spark would be put inside of those relationships to make them not only survive but thrive.

Today, we begin in verse 25 and look at a husband's love for his wife. It's the husband's role. Verse 25, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of the water by the Word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh, of His bones. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."

There's three things that I want to look at based upon what we've just read. What is the meaning of a husband's love? Second, what is the manner of a husband's love? What is it to look like? When it says, "love your wives" like what? Like how? And then finally, the mission of a husband's love—what is the goal and purpose?

Now, as we consider what it means for a man to love his wife, there's just something obvious, again I want you look at, like we did last time. You will notice that more written real estate is given to husbands than to wives. Only three verses he writes to wives, verse 22, 23, and 24. But, three times that amount are devoted to husbands, verse 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33—nine verses. As I said last week, you can draw your own conclusions as to why that is. It's my belief that it's because the real key rests with the husband.

I will explain what I mean by that. The meaning of a husband's love—well, let's begin by the meaning of a husband. Did you know that the original term husband means one who works the soil, a tiller of the ground? You may remember John 15 where Jesus said, "I am the true vine and my Father is the vine dresser," or the NIV says, "gardener." But the old King James version says, "I am the true vine and my Father is the husbandman." He's the one who works the ground. He's the tiller-cultivator of the soil.

I checked with Webster on the definition of a husband. First definition is: a married man—duh. But here's the second definition, getting back to the original meaning: a prudent or frugal manager. Ah, now that's suggestive. You see, a husband is one who cultivates the marriage relationship. He's the one who wisely manages the home. Men are to be initiators. And can I just speak men, on behalf of women, they want that. They want you to be the spiritual leader; to initiate in the relationship. And I will tell you again, these roles, though simply stated, are not easy. This is tough.

There's an old Chinese proverb that says, "It's harder to lead a family than it is to rule a nation." Every now and then, I'll hear people say, "We need more Christian leaders in politics." Yeah, I believe that, but can I just say, I think we need way more Christian leaders in families. That's where it begins, in families. So, husbands, cultivators, farmers of relationships, love.

The ink from Paul's pen hasn't even dried on the word husband when he writes the second word, a strong word, love. Agapate, agapate, second person, plural, present, active, imperative—if that helps. It's a command in other words. And the word agape love, you remember that, that full orbed love, that extraordinary, far-reaching love.

So the husband is the head of the home. But, according to this, he's to provide a heart for the home, his love. Now, let me mess with your mind a little bit. Not 'cause I want to, because I don't know if you notice this or not in the text, but you'll never find once where the text says for wives to love their husbands. Now, it helps if they do. It's good if they do. But what I do want you to notice is a husband is commanded; it is in the imperative.

Eugene Peterson in his translation, "The Message," translates it, "Husbands go all out in your love for your wives." That's a great picture for your mind. Go all out in your love for your wives. It didn't say, "Husbands, rule over your wives. Husbands, subjugate and concur your wives," but "Go all out, be lavish in your love for your wives."

In other words, his authority is to be mixed with his affection and a wife responds to her husband's love. You know what happens if you take a piece of iron and rub it against a magnet? What happens to the iron? It becomes magnetized. I think relationships are like that. I think that love in a marriage relationship is more caught than it is taught and that one burning heart ignites another burning heart. A husband's love causes a wife to respond to that.

So, husbands, heads, cultivators, gardeners, love lavishly your wives. Look, if you have a husband who's a leader, but not a lover, you have a tyrant. If you have a husband who's a lover but not a leader, he's a sentimental sap. You combine somebody who leads but who does it lovingly, as a servant leader—as a tender warrior, you've got a man. That's a husband. Have you noticed that valuable things take time? And the more valuable they are, the more time they take to manage, to cultivate, to maintain. My grandparents were farmers. They managed a farm in very harsh climate; in Laramie County, Wyoming. It was during the homestead days when you could take a piece of property and claim it as your own and work the land. So, I have pictures of my grandpa butchering the hogs and working the land. When grandpa died, my father moved my grandmother out to California and put her in a nice little house but it had like a half acre or maybe an acre attached to it. She planted a garden in it and put apple trees in it and when I think back to visiting grandma, I remember finding her in one of two places: sometimes the kitchen, but rarely; usually, she was outside in that garden and usually when I came over, I saw grandma in the garden with a gun.

Isn't that a great picture? My grandma—usually a BB gun. She was shooting the birds that would come in to take the apples. She loved doing that. So I come around the fence, "grandma?" (cocks gun) "Yes, dear?" So, that's how I remember my grandma. She was outside, in the yard, working with the apples, tending the garden, or in the kitchen making the best apple pies in the State of California. And I mean, she provided the fruit from her garden that she so tended and worked, and brought it into the kitchen, and made everything from scratch, and gave that to us, her family.

All of the time in the garden, all of the time in the kitchen, and 50 years later, her grandson is bragging about her. Now, husbands, let's think of our roles like that—tending a garden to bring forth fruit. Tending a garden because, let's be honest, marriage is the most challenging relationship on the planet. And so God gives the pattern. Wives submit to your husbands. Husbands love your wives. That's the pattern. If something goes wrong in the relationship, it's not because there's a problem with the pattern. It's because somewhere along the line in the process, we got tired and we've left the garden untended. That's the meaning of a husband's love: the cultivator with an extraordinary all out love for his wife.

Let's look at the second, the manner of a husband's love. Now, I want you to notice something, because it'll all be based on this. There are two analogies in the text that Paul uses to describe love and both of the analogies begin with the word as. Whenever you want to make a comparison, you use words such as like or as. This is like that. This is as that. And there's two of 'em. Can you find them?

The first is in verse 25: "Husbands, love your wives as" that's the first comparison, "Christ loved the church." Now, you know why he does this? If Paul would've just said this, "Husbands, love your wives" period, what would we do men? We would read that and we'd say, "I do love my wife. I told her so 20 years ago. I'm a man of my word." But when he says, "No, love your wives like Jesus loves us," then it gives us pause. We go, "Oh, that's a standard I can't attain."

So, he gives us a standard that also we can attain and both of these he's gonna demonstrate what he means. He lowers it down, he says, "Okay, love your wives as you love yourself, your own bodies." So with those two analogies in mind, let me make four statements that describe a husband's love. A husband's love is to be sacrificial—that's what it means—sacrificial. "Love you wives," verse 25, "as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her." It was extraordinary love that motivated Jesus Christ to step out of heaven, come to the earth, take upon a form of the flesh and die on a cross and give us everlasting life. Love motivated Him to do that. It was sacrificial love.

And while He was here on earth, He was rejected, spat on, mocked, yelled at. Some of you are thinking "sounds like a typical day in my home." I hope not. The key idea here is sacrifice. He gave himself. Sacrifice.

Men, do you sacrifice for your wives? If I love like Christ loved the church, I'm willing to give something up for my wife. Now, if I know the male mind, we immediately go to the far extreme, or the bottom line, and we say, "Let me tell you something. I'll take a bullet for my wife." That's good, that's the ultimate sacrifice. Jesus gave His life for the church. You're saying, "I'll take a bullet for my wife." But think about that statement. If you're willing to take a bullet—the ultimate sacrifice for your wife—doesn't that necessarily mean that you would be willing to make sacrifices short of the ultimate sacrifice? "I'll take a bullet for my wife but I won't give up that show, that game, that activity." So to love means we sacrifice. Get into her orbit; find out what she wants. It's not easy.

Furthermore, to love like Christ loved the church, means that we will love whether she fulfills her role or not, whether she does what is right or not. We'll love her irrespective of that. Romans 5, "God demonstrated His love toward us and that while we were sinners, Christ died for us." That's unconditional love, that's irrevocable love. That means I'll love my wife even when she fails or sins. That's the whole point of this. Jesus doesn't love people who deserve His love. He loves them unconditionally. It's not based upon their worthiness, or their performance, or how good they look, or if they do everything that is right. It is unconditional, irrevocable love. In other words: sacrifice.

I always love to listen to kids and ask them questions. And kids were asked the question, "What is love? Describe what love is." One kid said, "Love is when a girl wears perfume, and a boy puts on shaving cologne, and they go out and smell each other." Another child said, "Love is all the things written in Valentine's Day cards" and then he qualified it, "you know all the things you'd like to say to someone but you'd never be caught dead saying them." But another child said this, and I love it. "Love was when my grandmother got arthritis and she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore so my grandpa did it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Well that is certainly sacrificial love.

So what is the manner of a husband's love as Christ loved the church? In other words He gave Himself, He sacrificed. Here's the second statement, a husband's love is to be sanctifying love. Look at the 26th verse, "That He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the Word that He might present her to Himself a glorious church not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing but that she should be holy and without blemish." When you heard the word sanctify, I know that you think of a religious word; because you don't really hear that word when you go to a gas station. Sanctify is like a churchy word, right? It's like a religious thing. But originally the term sanctify was a secular term that simply means to set something apart for its original purpose.

When you walked into this building and sat in that chair, you sanctified that chair. You fulfilled the very purpose for which that chair was created. Chairs were not meant to be picked up and carried, or to have wheels put on 'em and ran down a hill, or be stuffed in your car. They're meant to sit in. You did that. You set it apart for its original purpose. For a husband to sanctify his wife, is to help her grow and mature—to fulfill her role in the relationship. He's the initiator, he's the gardener, he's the cultivator, and he is cultivating her, and helping her grow to reach what her role is in the relationship. Do you remember the role that she is to fulfill in the relationship; back in Genesis when we read it a couple of weeks ago? God said, "I will make for Adam a helper that is comparable (or suitable) to him." Or remember? We said it's one like opposite him. He's the North Pole, she's the South Pole. Or maybe we should say she's the North Pole, he's the South Pole? Either way, they become a unit. They orbit together. So when he helps her realize she's a partner with him, there's so much satisfaction she gets out of that.

There was a husband and wife. They were sitting in a doctor's office. His arm is around her. She was filling out the form to go see the doctor. And when it came to name, address, phone number, it came to the word occupation. She wrote in the blank line, "housewife." And he being close to her looked down and said, "Oh honey, you're not just a housewife. You're my wife."

Now, I'm looking at guys and they're going, "Huh? What, what, what?" Well I guarantee you, those women know exactly what that means. The rush of excitement when that husband embracing his wife made her realize, "You're not just wifing the house, you're mine. We're partners. I couldn't be what I am without you." That's the idea of sanctify.

There's a third description of a husband's love. It is to be secure love. Verse 28, "So husbands ought to love their own wives." Here's the second as: "As their own bodies. He who loves his wife also loves himself, for no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it just as the Lord does the church, for we are members of His body, His flesh, and His bones." A wife is the extension of her husband. That's why typically she takes his name. They have become one. They are a unit. That's what Adam realized. When God brought the woman to the man, what did Adam say? Did he go, "Cool"? No, he said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She will be called woman because she was taken out of man."

Love your wives like you love you, your bodies. We take care of our bodies. We feed them. We clothe them. We put vitamins in them. We take them to the gym and we work 'em out. And whenever we do that, we develop a sense of well-being, right? You feel really good when you eat right and you exercise, you just feel good about life. It develops a sense of well-being. Okay. In the same manner, when you take care of your wife's needs, you develop in her a sense of well-being. Very interesting, one place in California decided to put a mirror outside at a public building with a camera to observe sociologically how people react to it. They discovered two things: number one, people like to look at themselves, number two, men stop to do it more than women. Interesting. I thought I'd give you gals some ammunition for the future.

We're very body conscious. We love our flesh. Guaranteed you woke up this morning looked in the mirror. You didn't like what you saw. You spent time doing sometime about it. I did too. We put something different on. We did something with what's up here, or the lack thereof, and we showed up, right? We care for our bodies; that's the point that he's making. The one reason I've discovered that a wife has difficulty submitting to her husband is because she doesn't feel secure in his love. She has to feel secure. A husband's love is sacrificial, sanctifying, and secure.

And here's the fourth statement: the manner of a husband's love, it's to be stable love, stable love. Verse 31, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother, be joined to his wife, the two shall become one flesh." That oneness speaks of stability. He's quoting the book of Genesis here. It's the stability that comes from days and weeks and months and years of leaving, cleaving, and weaving. I'm pushing away that relationship. I'm saying no to that influence. I'm separating myself from that so that I might concentrate on this. I'm being glued more to you and we are weaving those threads by what we do with each other year in and year out. That provides stability and it's a constant process.

Now, I did say something to you I do want to go back to. Back in verse 25 I said that the word love was second person plural, present, active, imperative. And then I said, "If that helps." Let me tell ya how it helps. Present, active, imperative means it's a command to keep on doing something. So listen to it as it should be stated, "Husbands keep on actively, repeatedly, without stopping, loving your wives."

Here's the typical pattern. This is what the text said, but now here's the typical pattern. Man sees woman. Man likes what he sees. Man goes out of his way to impress the woman that he sees to make her think he's awesome. She thinks he's awesome. Man proposes to woman. Woman agrees to his proposal. They get married and then the man thinks conquest over. The great hunter has taken its prey. It's what I wanted. It's what I searched for. I went out of my way to show her how awesome I am and then I got what I wanted. And so often what happens, instead of the continual romancing, and continual nurturing and sacrificing, it comes to a halt as he stops romancing, and stops nurturing, and stops nourishing, and stops communicating, and the whole thing comes to that horrible grinding halt.

Stable love is that continuation. So we've looked at the meaning and the manner, let's end with where we ended last time, really, the mission of the husband's love. Last time we talked about the goal of a wife in submitting, and now we end with a goal of a husband in loving. It's the same verse, verse 32, "This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and His Church." Now just think about that statement that he writes. I write about Jesus and His church. I've been telling you about the body of Christ and that husbands ought to love their wives like they loved their own physical bodies because Jesus loves the church. In other words, please get this picture, marriage is intended to become a horizontal microcosm of a vertical reality. I need to explain that.

Anytime we relate with another person, it's vertical. It's person-to-person. It's on this level. Husband, wife, friends, we're dealing horizontally. The marriage is to be a horizontal microcosm, example, picture of a vertical reality—that is our relationship with God. Because the relationship people have with God is so abstract to other people, God has provided a means, a horizontal way of looking at something and saying, "Oh, that's what it means when Jesus loves the church and the church submits to Christ. I can see it in this marriage." That's the idea. A good Christian marriage is a good witness. It makes redemption visible. Make sense?

When you have a husband loving, leading, sacrificing, nurturing and a wife who is responding by submissively meeting her husband's needs, you have a visible picture of the church and Christ. Think of it this way: if two Christians and a marriage can't humble themselves, and resolved conflict, and forgive each other, how are they ever gonna have a message for anyone else about the love of God and the forgiveness of Christ? A good marriage is a good witness. A bad marriage is a bad witness. So the purpose, the mission of a husband's love is to speak of Christ in the church.

Now I'm a man and I'm speaking right now to men. Husbands, do you know that our role is under attack? The family is under attack. But principally you, as a man are being attacked by the forces of darkness—satanic darkness—to have your role undermined. And understand the strategy behind this. Understand that to neutralize an army, you kill the commanding officer. You want to demoralize the nation, kill its king or its president. You want to ruin this church, destroy its pastor. You want to ruin a marriage, devastate a family? Take out the leader. That's the strategy. The enemy, Satan, would love it if you as a man became a passive man. But God would be honored if you became a tender, warrior, servant, leader, initiator, cultivator in the home. Love her, show up for her.

Listen to this, there was a young man who saw a young girl and wanted to win her heart. So you know what he did? He wrote her letters but he never showed up. He wrote a letter every day—a love letter, by hand, every day. She got six, seven letters a week and then—but he never showed up. And then he started upping the ante—he started writing three letters every 24 hours by hand. But he never showed up. That gal got a total of 70 handwritten love letters over time. But he never showed up. And so you know what happened? She married the mailman. He showed up, may not have been his love letters but he was there at the door, hand delivering those letters. Men, go win your wives. Show up for them. Love your wives. Cleanse. Nourish. Cherish. That's how ya win her.

There's a statement that I've put to memory, I've loved it so much. It actually comes from all places, from singer-songwriter Roberta Flack. 'Member her? She said something that I've committed to memory and I share often at weddings. She said, "Getting married is easy," and before I finish the rest of the quote, anybody who's gotten married would take umbrage to that statement, with all the planning, all the preparation, getting married is not easy. But listen to the whole statement and you'll get it. "Getting married is easy. Staying married is more difficult. Staying happily married for a lifetime is considered among the fine arts."

Men, become a Rembrandt, a Picasso, a Van Gogh, a Renoir—pick your artist—a Michael Angelo. And decide today that by God's grace, your attitude and your actions toward that woman that you have a covenant relationship before God with is to be the cultivator, the husbandman, the farmer, the tiller of the soil. I believe that is key.

And Father, that's where we—that's where we stop. There's a time to start and there's always a time to stop. In stopping here, we come before the foot of the cross where we first received mercy and grace, forgiveness for our sin. Some of us in hearing this message, probably all of us, can look back over our own journey and see where we've fallen, stumbled, made mistakes—some of us really bad mistakes. But I've always believed it's never too late to do what is right. If we would just from today on decide before God, I'm gonna do the right thing. I'm going to take that woman and say, "Honey, let's start today, let's start new, let me show you my love toward you."

Lord, would you mend and heal that which is broken? Would you give hope to the hopeless? I think of that video that we saw at the beginning, those old couples spinning and dancing in the minefields. What a picture! The risk, but the joy of a garden well attended and the fruit that feeds others, because of nurture, because of authority mixed with affection. Craft that Lord in men. In Jesus' name, amen.

Additional Messages in this Series

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6/10/2012
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No Man Is An Island
Genesis 2:18-22
Skip Heitzig
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Welcome to a new series! If you're presently not married, don't tune out! You may be someday and it will be worth the investment to listen and learn. If you are married, this will provide needed affirmation of your marriage vows. Let's make a deal—let's decide that it's not enough to just survive in our marriages; let's aim to thrive in them. To do that, we have to revisit God's original design and plan for this foundational relationship.
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6/17/2012
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The First Wedding
Genesis 2:23-25
Skip Heitzig
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Today we go back in time to the first wedding—the prototype. The Divine Architect had something specific in mind when He established marriage. Before the days of ancient polygamy, before the days of male chauvinism and neo-feminism, before the days of no-fault divorce and pre-nuptial agreements was the simplicity of God and His creation. There He brought a man and woman together. What did He want this relationship to be like?
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6/24/2012
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Trouble In Paradise
Genesis 3:1-20
Skip Heitzig
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One pundit said, "'And they lived happily ever after' is one of the most tragic sentences in literature. It's tragic because it tells a falsehood about life and has led countless generations of people to expect something from human existence that is not possible on this fragile, failing, imperfect earth." Even in Eden, Adam and Eve didn't live happily ever after. The fall of man into sin brought repercussions that are still felt today.
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7/1/2012
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Gender Wars
Genesis 1-3
Skip Heitzig
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"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" reads a popular book title. The genders are different from each other; we were designed that way. Today we consider that design and how it became marred. This section of Scripture helps us understand the roots of chauvinism and feminism, both of which have added confusion to our culture. It also helps us understand the roles God gave to men and women, and how they work today.
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7/8/2012
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Friends with Benefits
Matthew 22:37-40
Nate Heitzig
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No matter how you view dating, finding the right mate can be tricky. What should you be looking for in a potential spouse? How can you know that this is God's best for you? Though the Bible is silent about dating per se, it says a lot about how we are to treat one another and what our priorities ought to be. These principles play a major factor in the success of dating relationships—and marriages. Let's open our Bibles to Matthew 22:37-40 for guidance in playing the sometimes challenging dating game.
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7/15/2012
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The Hardest Word in a Marriage
Ephesians 5:22-24
Skip Heitzig
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Some people would consider submission to be as bad as a four-letter word. But that’s because they don’t understand it. God’s plan is always the best plan. He designed your life to be one that is fulfilling and rewarding. Jesus said, “I have come that they might have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10). For that to happen, we must function within the guidelines of His will in the relational roles we occupy. Today we look at the basic role of a wife in a marriage relationship.
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7/29/2012
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Strength and Honor
Hebrews 13:4
Levi Lusko
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From crude advertising campaigns to raunchy entertainment, sex has been taken captive to a mindset of dishonor and shame. In truth, sex is a gift from God. He knows best how it can be fully enjoyed—within the marriage relationship. As we ponder the biblical principles of honor and integrity, we gain a deeper understanding of God's plan for purity before marriage and a vibrant sex life afterward.
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8/5/2012
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Homemaker or Homebreaker?
Titus 2;Proverbs 31
Skip Heitzig
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We are surrounded by hostile, home-shattering influences in our world today. The supportive elements of society no longer shade and protect us (like they once did). The Christian home must blossom in a field of weeds! Today I'd like to speak to wives in their role as homemakers (fightin' words for some). Let's take a twenty-first century look at a centuries-old struggle and why God honors the role of the homemaker.
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8/12/2012
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Needed: Real Men!
Joshua 24:1-15
Skip Heitzig
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The definition of what a real man is will vary from person to person, background to background, and ideology to ideology. But one thing is certain: A man who really is godly and really is a spiritual leader and really serves his family is RARE! Today we consider the aged leader of the ancient Hebrew nation, who was calling on the men of his generation to become real men. Joshua instructed those men to do three things.
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8/19/2012
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How to Have a Love Affair with Your Spouse - Part 1
Proverbs 5
Skip Heitzig
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Being intimate with someone involves more than just sex. Intimacy is a sense of caring and affection in which one can be totally vulnerable without the fear of being hurt or misunderstood. Intimacy is essential if a marriage is going to thrive. How about your marriage? Do these following three elements that foster intimacy exist in your marriage?
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8/26/2012
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How to Have a Love Affair with Your Spouse - Part 2
Proverbs 5:15-21; Song_of_Solomon 1:1-7:13
Skip Heitzig
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For a majority of married couples, the word enduring sums up their nuptial experience. But let me offer another word, the idea of which comes straight from Scripture itself: It’s the word enjoying. For those of you who merely endure your marriage, you could enjoy it. Using two of the writings of King Solomon, we will explore four areas that healthy married couples could and should be experiencing enjoyment in.
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9/2/2012
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Weeds of Unfaithfulness in the Garden of Love
Matthew 5:27-30
Skip Heitzig
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A wise sage once remarked, "Passion is like fire and water—they are good servants but bad masters!" Sexual passion is like that, and every married couple needs to tend the garden of their love very carefully. That means pulling out the weeds that could lead to unfaithful behavior. Many a marriage has been burned in the fire of adultery or flooded with inordinate passion. Let's consider how our marriages can stay "adultery proof."
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9/9/2012
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Faith Walkin' and Tongue Talkin'
James 3:1-12
Gino Geraci
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Who or what controls your speech? Like a mighty ship that is controlled by a small rudder, our tongues are a small member with great power. Our speech is being controlled either by the Lord or it is being controlled by our own anger, bitterness, and selfishness. When Jesus is in control, we do not have to fear what is going to leak out between our teeth. In our text this week, we learn to be wary that we don't offend with our tongue.
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9/30/2012
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Short Fuse for the Long Haul!
Ephesians 4:25-32
Skip Heitzig
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How can couples have a good fight? Let's face it, there are good fights and there are bad ones. And anger only complicates things. Since marriage is a "long haul" commitment and some people have a "short fuse," there are four principles you need to know in order to fight fair. Moreover, disagreements can actually strengthen your relationship. How?
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10/7/2012
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Partners for Life
Psalm 1:1-6; Malachi 3:6-10
Bob Shank
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When couples marry, they form a partnership where they each agree to cooperate for their mutual interests—it's a partnership between a husband and a wife. But, there is a third party in that partnership—God. Each person's personal relationship with Jesus should be as active and as powerful as their relationship with each other. In this study, we see how we can improve our partnership with God and ensure His blessing on our lives, and we receive concise teaching on what God means when He tells us to test Him regarding our finances.
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10/14/2012
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Have a New You by Friday
Dr. Kevin Leman
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Guest speaker Dr. Kevin Leman provides insights for making changes in our marriages and our families. How do we change our behavior? By deciding to act differently! Let’s give 100% of ourselves to God—He is worth nothing less.
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10/21/2012
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In Sickness and in Health
Job 1-2
Skip Heitzig
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Couples who marry begin their relationship with a verbal contract of wedding vows. They are happy and eager to repeat the familiar "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health," but most fail to read the fine print of those negative possibilities. Today we will consider what happens in a marriage when health issues become the issue.
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10/28/2012
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The Most Important Job in the World
Ephesians 6:4
Skip Heitzig
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What job could possibly be more important to the world than a parent? A surgeon, lawyer, president, pastor, or economist? Nope! Think of a parent's influence: Every word and deed of a parent becomes a fiber woven into the character of a child that ultimately determines how that child fits into the fabric of society. But children can both unify a marriage relationship and challenge it. Let's pull some principles out of Ephesians 6:4 to see how to "Keep Calm" while raising kids.
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11/4/2012
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In-laws or Outlaws?
Genesis 28-31
Skip Heitzig
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When two people get married, they don't simply marry each other; they marry into an extended family consisting of mother-in-law, father-in-law, and perhaps even sister-in-law and brother-in-law. These in-laws come in all sizes and shapes, and all personalities, and there is the potential for these in-laws to become outlaws to the married couple. Today we explore that relationship and see pitfalls to avoid as well as practices to apply.
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11/11/2012
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The Unequal Yoke
2 Corinthians 6:11-18; 1 Peter 3:1-22
Skip Heitzig
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There is a hybrid relationship we haven’t talked out yet—the unequally yoked marriage: when one spouse is a believer while the other is an unbeliever. Such a relationship can occur for a whole number of reasons and can provide a whole host of challenges. But it can also be managed, and done so well: with grace and great success. Let’s consider this relationship today.
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11/18/2012
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Are You Building a House or a Home?
Psalm 127
Skip Heitzig
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John Henry Jowett wrote, “Anyone can build a house: We need the Lord for the creation of a home.” There’s a huge difference between the construction of these two: One is built with earthly materials and anxious thoughts; the other is the result of strong relationships. As we conclude our series today, consider how you’re planning for the future.
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There are 21 additional messages in this series.
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