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How to Have a Love Affair with Your Spouse - Part 1 - Proverbs 5

Taught on | Topic: Sex | Keywords: marriage, sex, covenant

Being intimate with someone involves more than just sex. Intimacy is a sense of caring and affection in which one can be totally vulnerable without the fear of being hurt or misunderstood. Intimacy is essential if a marriage is going to thrive. How about your marriage? Do these following three elements that foster intimacy exist in your marriage?

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8/19/2012
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How to Have a Love Affair with Your Spouse - Part 1
Proverbs 5
Skip Heitzig
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Message Summary
Being intimate with someone involves more than just sex. Intimacy is a sense of caring and affection in which one can be totally vulnerable without the fear of being hurt or misunderstood. Intimacy is essential if a marriage is going to thrive. How about your marriage? Do these following three elements that foster intimacy exist in your marriage?
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Keep Calm and Marry On

Keep Calm and Marry On

A Christian marriage is intended to portray Christ and His church to the world. But how do we ensure that our marriages live up to God's standards? God's Word contains what we need not only to flourish, but to overcome the emotional, societal, and spiritual attacks we face in our marriages. In this series, Pastor Skip Heitzig covers various scriptural texts to give us the biblical view on marriage. From dating to dealing with in-laws; from anger management to managing your finances; from conflict resolution to delightful sexual relations, this powerful series will provide the tools you need to strengthen your home and relationships.

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Outline

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  1. Magnify Your Mutual Covenant (v. 18)

  2. Maintain Marital Enjoyment (vv. 15-20)

    1. Sex Is God Given

    2. Sex Must Be God Governed

    3. Sex Is Connected To Everything Else

  3. Make a Spiritual Commitment (vv. 21-23)

    1. Understand God’s Interest

    2. Request God’s Involvement

Discussion Points:

  1. Evaluate your marriage in these three areas. Write down a letter grade—A, B, C, D, or F. What is your "Marriage GPA" in each category?

  2. Have an honest discussion about enjoying each other. Are you merely enduring each other? If need be, ask a godly and gifted counselor to help you identify emerging patterns.

Detailed Notes

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  1. Introduction
    1. Marriages that  begin well don't always stay that way or end that way
      1. Begins: flowers, love notes, breakfast in bed, opening doors
      2. Later: sleep back to back, takeout, sweat pants, slammed doors
    2. Sex
      1. Sensitive, biblical topic
      2. Place and priority in marriage
      3. Cannot be discussed by itself
        1. Related to every other part of marriage
        2. More than spice and sizzle; need substance to build on
    3. Setting
      1. King Solomon giving son "the talk"
      2. Disastrous effects of sexual promiscuity (vv.1-14)
        1. Before marriage
        2. During marriage
      3. Delightful results of marital intimacy (vv.15-23)
    4. Sex within marriage vs. sex outside marriage
      1. Water
        1. Inside
          1. Pure water from a well
          2. Delight
          3. River
        2. Outside
          1. Polluted water from a sewer
          2. Destroy
          3. Swamp
      2. Soil: dark, nutrient rich
        1. Inside: garden
        2. Outside: white couch
      3. Fire
        1. Inside: fireplace
          1. Contained
          2. Controlled
          3. Warmth
          4. Serenity
          5. Satisfaction
        2. Outside: fire on the couch: burn the house down
  2. Magnify Your Mutual Covenant (v. 18)
    1. Youth
      1. Not just young people
      2. Those who made covenant in youth that lasts throughout a lifetime
      3. Monogamous, lifelong relationship
      4. Married at age 14-16 in Solomon's day
      5. We choose spouse; parents chose in Solomon's day
    2. Man married television
      1.  42 year old Australian in England, Mitch Hallen
      2. "My TV gives me countless hours of pleasure without fussing, fighting, or back chat."
      3. Watching TV easier than working through marriage
    3. Wedding ceremonies in strange places
      1. Bungee jumping
      2. Airplane
      3. Roller coaster: appropriate
    4. Covenant makes a marriage stable
      1. Word "covenant"
        1. Implied
        2. Used over 300 times in the Old Testament
        3. A formal agreement with binding force
        4. Concept of covenant runs Genesis-Revelation: a crimson thread
        5. Bible: a covenant book
        6. God: a covenant God
        7. God's people: a covenant people
      2. Marriage is a covenant
        1. "To deliver you from the immoral woman, from the seductress who flatters with her words, who forsakes the companion of her youth, And forgets the covenant of her God." (Proverbs 2:16-17)
        2. Covenant between husband, wife, and God
        3. "Yet you say, 'For what reason?' Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant." (Malachi 2:14)
        4. Binding agreement
        5. Marriage not just part of life; all in, total commitment every day
        6. No back door or escape hatch: Till death do us part
        7. Doesn't end problems; many begin with marriage
        8. Safety and intimacy begin when covenant begins
        9. "For wherever you go, I will go; and wherever you lodge, I will lodge; Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God." (Ruth 1:16)
        10. "I will never leave you nor forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5)
        11. "Testing the waters" is culture, not covenant
        12. Preponderance of research shows successful marriages entered by people with a sense of permanence
        13. Sociologists: "People living together first before marriage are more apt to fail in their marriage than couples who move in together after they have said their vows."
        14. "Studies show, based on 50 years of data, that couples who live together before marriage have a 50 percent greater chance of divorce than those who don't. Those who cohabit also have a less satisfying and more unstable marriage. Research has found that those who lived together later regretted having violated their moral standard and felt a loss of personal freedom to exit out the back door. Furthermore and in keeping with the theme of marital bonding they have stolen a level of marital intimacy that is unwarranted at that point or hasn't been validated by the degree of commitment to one another."
          1. "Stolen a level of intimacy"
          2. "A foolish woman is clamorous; she is simple, and knows nothing. For she sits at the door of her house, on a seat by the highest places of the city, to call to those who pass by, who go straight on their way: 'Whoever is simple, let him turn in here'; and as for him who lacks understanding, she says to him, 'Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.'  But he does not know that the dead are there, that her guests are in the depths of hell." (Proverbs 9:13-18)
  3. Maintain Marital Enjoyment (vv. 15-20)
    1.  Sex Is God Given
      1. God's idea: great idea
      2. "Pleasure is God's invention, not the devil's."—C.S. Lewis
      3. Devil likes to hijack what God invents
      4. "And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed." (Genesis 2:25)
      5. Words describing sexual delight and satisfaction
        1. Cistern
        2. Well
        3. Streams
        4. Fountain
        5. Song of Solomon: fountain of gardens, well of living waters, streams
    2. Sex Must Be God Governed
      1. Babies
        1. Procreation
        2. "Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth." (Genesis 1:28)
      2. Bonding
        1. Satisfaction
        2. Nothing bonds as deeply
        3. Satisfied, enraptured
        4. Emotions, intellect spirit
        5. "Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived" (Genesis 4:1)
        6. A means of getting to know each other in the deepest way
    3. Sex Is Connected To Everything Else
      1. Cannot be separated from covenant unity
      2. Sexual problems aren't always sexual problems, but indicators of other, deeper problems
        1. Like a dashboard warning light
        2. "Conflicts, quarrels, bitter words will in time have an adverse affect on sexual harmony. One reason why it appears that sexual adjustment is difficult to achieve is that failure in any one of several of the other major areas of marital life is reflected in physical relationships. Generally a couple which has achieved a satisfactory cooperative framework in which to face all of their problems will find a minimum of difficulties in coming together sexually."—James Peterson
      3. If you want to have a satisfying sex life, try a little tenderness the other 23 ½ hours of the day
      4. Men are microwaves; women are Crock Pots
        1. Men are aroused quickly and visually
        2. Men don't necessarily require touch
        3. Men must always guard what they see and think about
        4. Women don't get stimulated visually
        5. Women need soft touch, tender words, meaningful activities
        6. Physical enjoyment can't be rushed; must be cultivated tenderly
        7. Husbands who are kind only in the evening to get sex create resentment
      5. Physical and emotional well-being go hand in hand
  4. Make a Spiritual Commitment (vv. 21-23)
    1. Understand God’s Interest
      1. God sees everything
      2. God knows everything
        1. Intimacy
        2. Accountability
    2. Request God’s Involvement
      1. Keep Him front and center
      2. Keep you from sin
      3. Makes marriage strong
        1. Spiritually-minded people have better marriages than other couples
          1. Intimacy is greater
          2. Sexual pleasure is higher
        2. According to Family Life Conference, Christians generally experience a higher degree of sexual enjoyment than non-Christians
        3. Redbook "Sexual Pleasures Survey" of 100,000 women: "Sexual satisfaction is related significantly to spiritual belief. With notable consistency, the greater the intensity of a woman's spiritual convictions, the likelier she is to be highly satisfied with sexual pleasures of marriage."
  5. Application
    1. Don't leave god out of your marriage—it's His covenant too
    2. Don't neglect each other's physical needs; don't neglect each other's emotional needs
    3. To be a good husband/wife, be a good Christian
    4. Relationships are the irreducible minimum
      1. With God: vertical
      2. With people: horizontal

Publications referenced: Redbook "Sexual Pleasures Survey"
Figures referenced: Mitch Hallen; C.S. Lewis; James Peterson
Cross references: Genesis 1:28; Genesis 2:25; Genesis 4:1; Ruth 1:16; Proverbs 2:16-17; Proverbs 9:13-18; Malachi 2:14; Hebrews 13:5

Transcript

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Proverbs, Chapter 5, and let's pray. Father we come at the beginning of this study through Proverbs parts of it, wondering what you might do if this many people hearing these kinds of messages took them really to heart of what happened. If we decided to take words written on a page that we believe to be your word inspired by God, preserved through time, it make sense that you who created life. You who invented marriage, you would know exactly how with ought to work and work well. And so Father we submit ourselves to you asking that you would search our hearts and cause us to put our defenses down, walls that we have erected down, so that when we hear truth from your word and principles that clearly emerged from the text itself, we would not marginalize or rationalize, but we would evaluate. And by your grace by your strength apply, that our lives, our relationships might be fruitful, in Jesus name, Amen.

There was a woman who was feeling lonely in her marriage, her husband made an appointment at a counselor's office. The counselor was a trained psychiatrist, trained to listen, and make an evaluation. And as he listens to the couple describe their relationship, eventually the counselor said to the couple, the treatment that I prescribe for you is quite simple. The Doctor stood up, went over to the man's wife pick her up, embraced her in his arms and gave her a big kiss then he step back to see that woman blush, swoon, smile, took her completely off guard. And he said to the husband, "You see that is all that it really takes to put zing back in your marriage." The husband watching the whole time absolutely expressionless said, "Great doc, I can bring her in on Tuesday's and Thursday's."

Did that husband have a clue as to what was needed in that marriage? No, romance had left that relationship a long time ago as it does to many relationships that start out well but don't continue or end up that way. What begins with flowers and breakfast in bed and love notes and opening doors for the girl of a one's dreams can end with couple sleeping back facing each other or in separate rooms, sweat pants and slamming doors on each other.

In the next few weeks starting today, we want to talk about the sensitive topic of "Sex in Marriage," its place, its priority. However, sex cannot be discussed by itself because it is related to every other part of a couple's relationship, it never stands alone, it's more than just adding a little creative spice sense and sizzle. You got to have the state there first. You have to have something to build on.

The Fifth Chapter of Proverbs along with the few of the other of the Proverbs, or words from a father to a son, I like to see it as dad giving his son the talk that all dads need to give their sons. Where they came from, how things work, how relationships work healthy and in a non-healthy way. I heard about a little boy who asks his mother where he had come from. You know all boys and girls said, "Oh, how did I get here?  Where did I come from?  What's the process?" So he said, "Where did I come from?  Where did you come from?"  And mom gave some lame story about a white-feathered bird who brought him to their door step, and that's how she got here as well, which was confusing to the little boy. So, later on the same little boy asked his grandmother the same question and got a variation of the bird story. So, later on that day out on the playground, that little boy said to one of his friends, kind of looking around furtively and he said, "You know, there hasn't been a normal birth in my family for three generations."

On the other hand, Solomon who gives us the Proverbs by enlarge, gives us the straight scoop. And in Chapter 5, Verses 1 through 14, he describes the disastrous effects of sexual promiscuity before, and after marriage. But Verses 15 through the end Verse 23 are the delightful results of marital intimacy and that's what we want to focusing on this morning. Those last verses of this chapter beginning in Verse 15. The theme is how to have a love affair with your spouse.

Let's look at Verse 15, he writes poetically, “Drink water from your own cistern, and running water from your own well. Should your fountains be dispersed abroad streams of water in the streets? Let them be your own and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed and rejoice with the wife of your youth, as a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breast satisfy you at all times, and always be enraptured with her love. For why should you my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman and be embraced in the arms of a seductress, for the ways of a man are before the eyes of the Lord and he ponders all his past? His own iniquities entrap the wicked man and he is caught on the cords of his sin. He shall die for lack of instruction, and then the greatness of his folly he shall go astray.”

Briefly put sex and marriage is like a flowing stream. Sex outside of marriage, promiscuously given before or during a marriage is like drinking polluted water from a sewer. One will delight, the other can destroy. One is a stream; the other is a swamp or look at it this way. Sex is much like that dark soil in your garden, if you have a garden, if you have a garden that dark potting soil that nutrient-laden rich dark soil that look so great in your garden. You put that on your white carpet?  Not so much, out of placed, dirty. Or it's like a fire, inside of a fireplace it gives warmth and satisfaction, it's delightful because it's contained within proper and safe parameters. Take the fire outside of the fire place, it could destroy your house.

So, today and next week we want to look out how to have a love affair with you spouse, and there are several principles that will emerge from the text, we always do that. This is exposition what is the text reveal? Today I want to give you three and they could be summed up by three words, covenant, enjoyment, commitment. Covenant, enjoyment, and commitment, I take you back to Verse 18 for a moment to look at the first principle which is magnify the mutual covenant. Notice in Verse 18, let your fountain be blessed and rejoice with the wife of your youth. Now these are not words that are limited to the experience of youth or newly weds, it's simply this. The covenant that is made in one's youth that will last throughout an entire lifetime, summed up by the phrase to the husband the wife of your youth. The wife that I have today Lenya, is the wife of my youth. Now I am not a youth, but I was a youth when I married her.

In those days, people were married around age 14, 15, or 16. They didn't choose each other. Their parent's made the choice long before they could even choose often. So they kind of came into this commitment, but the commitment was made in one's youth. So the term the wife of your youth implies a covenant. That's the word I want to zero in on, it's not written the text but it's implied by the text in the phrase the wife of your youth. The idea that is speaking of here is a monogamous life long relationship. I read a bizarre new story some time ago, about a man who married his TV. I'm not joking, there is a 42 year old man named Mitch Hallen, he was Australian living in England, who had two divorces and on Valentines Day a few years back, he decided to marry Sony widescreen.

It was presided over by a priest, he had a dozen of his friends there, rings where put on top of the television set two gold rings, and he said, the article said, "He took vows of high fidelity, sort of a spin on fidelity, and this is what he said after two divorces and failed romances he had given up saying, "My TV gives me countless hours of pleasure without fussing, fighting, or backchat."  Well sure Mitch, anybody can watch TV, a lot easier to watch TV than to work through the problems of a marriage, but Mitch let me ask you a question, who is going to love you when you're old and grey?  Isn't going be Sony, in fact your model will be replace I doubt, no doubt before too long.

I was also looking at some interesting places that people were getting married. You know sort of fashionable now to not get married in the church, but hey looks like bungee jump in the midair we can say vows to each other, or an airplanes or balloons or a number of places that are created, but I read about 12 couples who got married on a rollercoaster. And I actually read I thought how appropriate, right?  Up and down, up and down woo, woo.

For a lot of people that is marriage, it's a rollercoaster. It's not stable it's not steady so, when I read that I thought, “How do you stabilize a marriage? What is the secret to stability?”  Can be summed up in one word, covenant. Covenant, have a covenant marriage. Now that word covenant is a Bible word, it's used over 300 times in the Old Testament. It's a word that means an agreement with binding force. An agreement typically formal agreement with binding force that concept of a covenant runs through Genesis all the way to Revelation, it's like a Crimson Thread. God is as covenant God.  God's people are covenant people, the Bible is covenant book, and marriage according to the book, is to be a covenant, a formal agreement with binding force. For example in Proverbs Chapter 2, we read, “Wisdom will save you from the adulteress from the wayward wife with her seductive words, who has left the partner of her youth and ignored the covenant that she made before God.”

What that means is, a couple makes vows to each other, they're in covenant with each other, but there's a third party that nobody seems to recognize often, and that is God enters into the marriage covenant. Then in Malachi Chapter 2 Verse 14, the Lord says, "She is your partner. She is the wife of your marriage covenant," that formal binding lifelong agreement. Somebody imagine the conversation that Adam might have had in the garden with God. All the animals where brought by God and Adam checked them out, named them all, but the Bible says, “Among the animals there was not found a helper that was suitable for him.” So in this imaginary conversation, Adam said, "God it's not that I'm like ungrateful or anything, these animals are cool and it's not that I don't like animal's but, I really like someone more like me only different, soft, and tender, and beautiful, and sweet," to which God replied, “Well, something like that is going to cause you an arm and a leg.”

And Adam replied, "What could I get for a rib?" Now, covenant marriage is not like that. You can't go in partly to this. You have to go all in. It's a total commitment of your self. Marriage is a covenant, covenant means a commitment, and it's a choice that you make not just on your wedding day, but it's a choice that you make everyday. A covenant marriage is a marriage without an escape hatch, without a back door. You enter into the relationship and all the doors, and all the windows are shut and locked. That's why we ask couples to go through a series of counseling sessions before they get married so that on their wedding day, they are able honestly before God to say, "Until Death Do Us Part."

Not until death do us part, not until feelings do us part, not we'll stay together till you get old and ugly do us part, but until death do us part. That's a covenant marriage. Don't misunderstand me please. I am not saying that a lifelong monogamous relationship will solve all of your problems. In fact, many more problems begin right there, but I am saying this, intimacy begins and safety begins when you enter into that permanence, you go into the situation knowing this is permanent, this is a covenant, that's where safety begins, that's where intimacy begins.

It was Ruth who said to her mother-in-law Naomi where you will go I will go, where you stay I will stay, your God will be my God, your people will by my people, those are covenant words. In Hebrews 13 God says to us his people, "I will never leave you, I will never forsake you," those are covenant promises. But we live in an era where people look at marriage and they want to test it first. They want to live together first, they want to test the waters first, they want to get intimate first, they want to see if it works first. We call these tire kickers. These are test drivers. That is not a covenant relationship. Know this, this is what you ought to know, all of the good research shows that the most successful marriages are those entered into with the sense of permanence.

Two sociologists in a recent study say, "People living together first, are more up to fail in their marriage than couples who moved in after they say their vows." Citing one article, study show based on 50 years of data that couples who lived together before marriage have a 50% greater chance of divorce than those who don't. Those who cohabit, also have a less satisfying, and more unstable marriage. Why?  Researchers found that those who had lived together later regretted having violated their moral standards, and felt a lost of personal freedom to exit out the backdoor. Further more, and in keeping with the theme of marital bonding, they have -- listen to this phrase, stolen a level of intimacy that is not warranted at that point, nor has been validated by the degree of commitment to one another.

When I read that little phrase stolen a level of intimacy, it triggered something in my mind. I want you to see how closely related that is in research to what the Bible says. Turn with me the Proverbs 9, just go right couple of blocks. Proverbs 9, interesting phrase appears in Proverbs 9 about this. Verse 13, a foolish woman is clamorous, she is simple, she knows nothing, she sits at the door of her house on a sit by the highest places of the city to call those who pass by, who go straight on their way. Who ever is simple, let him turn in here, and as for him who lacks understanding she says to him, “Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant. But he does not know that the dead are there that her guests are in the depths of hell.” Interesting isn't it? The author says after research, they feel like they stolen a level of intimacy, the clamorous foolish promiscuous person says, "Stolen water is sweet, yeah it taste good going down perhaps,” but later on is bitterness.

So that's the first covenant, that's the first word, magnify the mutual covenant, the second word is enjoyment. That's part of the text as well, maintain your marital enjoyment. Now, I want to take you back to Verse 18 and we'll slow down a little bit and we'll look at all those verses that we just read that make some of us blush. Let your fountain be blessed, rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer, as a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love. For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, and be embraced in the arms of a seductress. Contrary the popular belief these days Hollywood did not invent sex. God invented sex, sex was God's idea. And can I just say, it was a great idea. It was a great idea.

Everything that God did, God looked out and said, "That is good and this is part of it."  C.S. Lewis said, “Pleasure was God's idea not the devils.” Now the devil likes to highjack what God does. But when the Lord created man and wife, he put them together and the Bible says, "He made the male and female, and they were naked, and they were not ashamed," and you shouldn't be ashamed either. In that vulnerable exposed position in front of your spouse, the marriage bed says the writer of Hebrews is under filed.

Now, at the same time, I will admit my own awkwardness on my wedding day and my honeymoon. I just want to tell you a little bit, just a little bit. When my wife and I got married on a Southern California summer day, we decided to take our honeymoon at North towards Santa Barbara, placed that we both love. I lived at the coast, she didn't live far from it so we just made our way up to coast. While on the way we decided that we would stop at a couple of places Oxnard and Ventura which are coastal towns and the reason we did is because Lenya's grandfather was onetime in the Hotel business so he could get deals. So he got us our first night in a hotel close to the coast in Oxnard, California free. So I said, "Hey, if it's free it's for me."  All right, you're young and just married it's like I'll take it.

What he booked, the honeymoon suite in his hotel. I didn't know what that meant. I said, "Great, Awesome!"  Going to this hotel, get the key to a honeymoon suite and I just thought I was in a horror movie. The door open I looked down at pink carpet. I looked around and I see statues, gold painted chirrups. Naked angels basically, all over the room, weird looking lamps and, the wallpaper was velvet. Red and gold velvet wallpaper everywhere, and then to top it all off, above the bed, a mirror. So I know what the Bible says, I knew what it said, but the naked and unashamed part was sort of tough to get over in that environment, but enough said.

Let's go back to the text. Notice in Verse 15 and Verse 18 actually smattered through out the text, are very important words that describe the satisfaction, the sexual satisfaction and delight, in a marriage. Words like cistern. Cistern was a hole carved out of the rock to hold water that would refresh the family. The word well, or streams, or fountains, all of these described the delight more of which we'll talk about next time. The Song of Solomon describes the wife as a fountain of gardens, a well of living waters and streams. That speaks some marital delight, marital enjoyment, maintain marital enjoyment. What's the purpose of sex? There are two. It could be summed up by two words. Babies and Bonding. Babies number one, that's procreation, that's reproduction, God said to the husband and wife, "Be fruitful and multiply and feel the earth."

But second, is bonding, not reproduction, not procreation, but satisfaction. Nothing binds a couple more closely and deeply together as this act. That's why words are used here like satisfied and enraptured, but sex is more than a physical act. It involves the total emotion, intellect, and spirit of a person that's when the Bible describes sexual intercourse you know what word they use is?  The word "No" did you know that?  No. Genesis Chapter 4, Adam knew his wife and she concede. In other words, they had sexual intercourse and she got pregnant as a result. That's how the Bible uses the term because sex is a means of getting to know each other in the deepest possible way, but sexual intimacy can never be separated from covenant unity.

Now, I want to bring something up here. Sexual problems, the people have in their marital relationship are often not sexual problems, their indicators of deeper problems, other problems because as I said you cannot separate sexuality from all of the other parts of a relationship including emotion. You can't do that.

So sexual problems are often indicators of other problems, if you ever been in a car where a light goes off on your dashboard, that's an indicator. Now you probably don't see a light going up in your dashboard and saying, “Bad dashboard, I got to replace my dashboard.” Now it's an indicator that there's a problem elsewhere other than your dashboard, right?  It's like you need water, or oil, or brake fluid. There's another system going on. Now you can jiggle the light of tap the light, or if you wanted to take a sledgehammer out and smash the light to get rid of the indicator, but that would be foolish. You can ruin your car. So it is in this area, James Peterson writes conflicts, quarrels, bitter words will in time have an adverse effect on sexual harmony. One reason why it appears that sexual adjustment is difficult to achieve is that failure in any one or several other major areas of married life is reflected in physical relationships.

Generally a couple which has achieved a satisfactory cooperative framework in which to face all of their problems will find a minimum of difficulty in coming together sexual. Let me loosely translate, but we just heard, if you want a healthy, vibrant sex life in your marriage, try a little tenderness, the other 23 and a half of the day. You can't separate one from the other.

Let me throw something out at you. Women are crock pots, man are microwaves, get what I'm saying?  Men heat up very quickly; women take time to do so. Men are visually stimulated, and get stimulated very quickly just by something that they see doesn't even required touch, just visual stimulation, they're heated up. That's why it's important for a man to be very careful what he looks at, or what he thinks about, men are microwaves, women are crock pots. They're not a stimulated instantly or by sight visually like a man is, she response to a tender soft, meaningful touch, kind words, acts of tender kindness through out the day. So, physical enjoyment can't be rush, it has to be cultivated tenderly and if a husband treats his wife kindly just at the end of the evening, just so he can get sex out of that relationship, I will guarantee you resentment will set in and that woman will feel abused and will doubt the sincerity of that man's love.

So, enjoyment physically and enjoyment emotionally go hand in hand, and both husband and wife need to know to know that. Let's close this off with the third word and that is commitment, covenant, enjoyment, the third is commitment, and here is the principle, make a spiritual commitment. Verse 21, after all that he writes to his son about sexuality and a marriage he says, “For the ways of a man or before the eyes of the Lord, and he ponders all of this paths.” Get what that means God knows everything, God sees everything, talk about intimacy, talk about vulnerability, imagine living with that in mind, imagine what life would look like if you lived with that spiritual knowledge that God just heard the words I said to my wife. God knows the thoughts I'm thinking right now toward my husband, he is watching it, he is carefully weighing it, he is apart of this covenant.

And that's what I'm asking you to do, bring God into your marriage, bring him in and leave him there at the center, bring him in to the kitchen, bring him into the bedroom, bring him into the living room, and live with that kind of accountability because people who make a spiritual commitment to his Lordship, will find it easier to say no to sin, and easier to have more stable satisfying marriages. Did you know that spiritually-minded people have better marriages than those who were not spiritual minded? They go, “Of course I know that,” but did you also know that intimacy is greater and sexual pleasure is higher in such spiritually-minded families, the research shows that. Two researchers from family life seminars conclude that Christians generally experienced a higher degree of sexual enjoyment, than non-Christians.

Now, before you think, well that's just Christian research, what about real research?  You know that's how some people think. Now second real research, okay? Redbook magazine, a secular magazine published the Sexual Pleasure Survey and showed the preferences of a 100,000 women they say, "Sexual satisfaction is related significantly to spiritual belief, with notable consistency, the greater the intensity of a woman spiritual convictions, the likelier she is to be highly satisfied with sexual pleasure in marriage." That's because every spiritually-minded man and woman understands God invented this, it is good, and I'm going to enjoy it to the max, within the perimeters of the fireplace. I'm going to the fireplace let it burn, and never take it out. So to sum up these three principles, I give you this. Number one, don't leave God out of your marriage, it's his marriage too, that's how he sees it, it's his marriage too not just yours, he is part of that covenant.

Number two, don't neglect each other's needs physically, don't neglect each other's needs emotionally, they're hand in hand, and they are meant to be. And finally, to be a good husband, to be a good wife, you first must be a good Christian. I want to close with a true story. I found it fascinating. A guy by the name of Jim Newick was with his wife, walking up in Spirit Lake, Washington years ago. This couple was with another couple so there were four of them, and they were hiking and they were walking and it was pristine, it was beautiful, the fir trees, the clouds, the blues sky, just picture ask. Every thing was awesome except for Jim, what was going on inside Jim was a storm, because Jim had the burden of knowing that he had at that very moment, an active malignant tumor growing inside of his body.

Well, this force him, these two couples were walking and they came up to a big beautiful waterfall, and underneath the water fall was this cottage and come to find out it look like a postcard. The cottage was for rent, so the wife, Jim's wife man who had the tumor, Jim's wife run into the cottage to book a weekend in the next several weeks. The cottage was booked for a year, for a year. She said, “Oh well then we'll reserve it for this time next year.” Outside the cottage, Jim is just sweating he is nervous. The fir trees don't look beautiful to him, the clouds aren't all that great looking to him, and he start sweating and he gets very nervous, and the other couple says, "Jim what's wrong?"  And he said listen, "My life is hanging in the balance, my wife in their making reservations for a year from now, I'm going to be dead a year from now," and told the couple about the tumor.

It turned out that that man Peter Niweck had it all backwards. One year later, he was alive and growing stronger, but the mountain, the cottage, the waterfall, was gone. Mount St. Helens erupted, taking with it, the buildings and the mountain itself. What seemed like strong and stable and forever was gone, what Peter Niweck thought was temporary and frail and passing still existed. There's a spiritual principle in that little story. A lot of the times our focus is upon stuff.

Now, here right now, and we neglect the most important and that is the relationships that we have, if you were to boil a life down to its irreducible minimum, you would have one thing, relationships. Relationship vertically with God, relationships horizontally with people, that's what life is at its irreducible minimum. How do I know that? Because I've been with many people on their death beds and they usually don't talk about stuff, cars, sports, clothes, it's all about people.

And you know where the regrets usually lie?  With those people, those relationships, I have never yet had a man tell me on his death bed, “I wish I would have spend more time on the golf course,” never heard that. I never heard a guy say, “I regret that I didn't spend more hours in my office away from my family.” I never had a woman say, “I wish I have bought clothes and shoes,” but the regrets that I have heard, are the regrets of there wasn't enough investment, energy, time, with God and with people.

So as I mentioned last week at the end of the message, we are simply the summary of all the choices we had made up to this point. The good news is that today we make new choices, and we become the summary of all the choices that we make from this point out, make sure that the first choice you make is a choice to say yes to Jesus Christ and to put him in the Lord of your life, and then let him in that relationship with him and his words, his principles prevailed in every other area of your life.

Father, that is the time we are alloted, and these are the words we have considered, I'm always amazed that how clear and direct, and up to date the Bible is that speaks about virtually every area of our lives. And when we look at the principles, and when we draw them the scripture and apply to us, they make sense. We know deep down their truth, we just pray that you'd help us to walk in them, and once again we pray for relationships, marriages, those who are dating, those who are finding difficulty in the first months and years of their relationship, others that are struggling after many years. There are as many unique issues as there are people represented here. And you know every one intimately and you love every person dearly. We pray that with the power of your Holy Spirit, the third person of the trinity, the principles of the Bible and the help of other Christian friends around us that hours would be stable, driving, covenant relationships.

I know Lord that I'm speaking now or praying to you in the presence of people who have had broken lies, and broken relationships, that doesn't mean that they're unuseful or unredeemable. Lord, the great news is that you take anyone, everyone and you redeemed the years that conquer worm has destroyed, the locust. You give us newness and a do over, and I pray Father for everyone who is hearing this that they would take hope in Christ, in Jesus name, Amen.

Additional Messages in this Series

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6/10/2012
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No Man Is An Island
Genesis 2:18-22
Skip Heitzig
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Welcome to a new series! If you're presently not married, don't tune out! You may be someday and it will be worth the investment to listen and learn. If you are married, this will provide needed affirmation of your marriage vows. Let's make a deal—let's decide that it's not enough to just survive in our marriages; let's aim to thrive in them. To do that, we have to revisit God's original design and plan for this foundational relationship.
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6/17/2012
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The First Wedding
Genesis 2:23-25
Skip Heitzig
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Today we go back in time to the first wedding—the prototype. The Divine Architect had something specific in mind when He established marriage. Before the days of ancient polygamy, before the days of male chauvinism and neo-feminism, before the days of no-fault divorce and pre-nuptial agreements was the simplicity of God and His creation. There He brought a man and woman together. What did He want this relationship to be like?
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6/24/2012
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Trouble In Paradise
Genesis 3:1-20
Skip Heitzig
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One pundit said, "'And they lived happily ever after' is one of the most tragic sentences in literature. It's tragic because it tells a falsehood about life and has led countless generations of people to expect something from human existence that is not possible on this fragile, failing, imperfect earth." Even in Eden, Adam and Eve didn't live happily ever after. The fall of man into sin brought repercussions that are still felt today.
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7/1/2012
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Gender Wars
Genesis 1-3
Skip Heitzig
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"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" reads a popular book title. The genders are different from each other; we were designed that way. Today we consider that design and how it became marred. This section of Scripture helps us understand the roots of chauvinism and feminism, both of which have added confusion to our culture. It also helps us understand the roles God gave to men and women, and how they work today.
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7/8/2012
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Friends with Benefits
Matthew 22:37-40
Nate Heitzig
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No matter how you view dating, finding the right mate can be tricky. What should you be looking for in a potential spouse? How can you know that this is God's best for you? Though the Bible is silent about dating per se, it says a lot about how we are to treat one another and what our priorities ought to be. These principles play a major factor in the success of dating relationships—and marriages. Let's open our Bibles to Matthew 22:37-40 for guidance in playing the sometimes challenging dating game.
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7/15/2012
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The Hardest Word in a Marriage
Ephesians 5:22-24
Skip Heitzig
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Some people would consider submission to be as bad as a four-letter word. But that’s because they don’t understand it. God’s plan is always the best plan. He designed your life to be one that is fulfilling and rewarding. Jesus said, “I have come that they might have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10). For that to happen, we must function within the guidelines of His will in the relational roles we occupy. Today we look at the basic role of a wife in a marriage relationship.
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7/22/2012
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The Storm-Proof Shelter of a Husband's Love
Ephesians 5:25-32
Skip Heitzig
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OK men, it's our turn today—God's blueprint for husbands is in view here. God's plan is for a man's love to become a strong shelter for his wife. The kind of love the Bible directs a husband to have is the kind that makes it easy for a woman to submit to. In fact, I believe the husband holds the key to a flourishing relationship by his initiating and cultivating love.
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7/29/2012
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Strength and Honor
Hebrews 13:4
Levi Lusko
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From crude advertising campaigns to raunchy entertainment, sex has been taken captive to a mindset of dishonor and shame. In truth, sex is a gift from God. He knows best how it can be fully enjoyed—within the marriage relationship. As we ponder the biblical principles of honor and integrity, we gain a deeper understanding of God's plan for purity before marriage and a vibrant sex life afterward.
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8/5/2012
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Homemaker or Homebreaker?
Titus 2;Proverbs 31
Skip Heitzig
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We are surrounded by hostile, home-shattering influences in our world today. The supportive elements of society no longer shade and protect us (like they once did). The Christian home must blossom in a field of weeds! Today I'd like to speak to wives in their role as homemakers (fightin' words for some). Let's take a twenty-first century look at a centuries-old struggle and why God honors the role of the homemaker.
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8/12/2012
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Needed: Real Men!
Joshua 24:1-15
Skip Heitzig
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The definition of what a real man is will vary from person to person, background to background, and ideology to ideology. But one thing is certain: A man who really is godly and really is a spiritual leader and really serves his family is RARE! Today we consider the aged leader of the ancient Hebrew nation, who was calling on the men of his generation to become real men. Joshua instructed those men to do three things.
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8/26/2012
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How to Have a Love Affair with Your Spouse - Part 2
Proverbs 5:15-21; Song_of_Solomon 1:1-7:13
Skip Heitzig
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For a majority of married couples, the word enduring sums up their nuptial experience. But let me offer another word, the idea of which comes straight from Scripture itself: It’s the word enjoying. For those of you who merely endure your marriage, you could enjoy it. Using two of the writings of King Solomon, we will explore four areas that healthy married couples could and should be experiencing enjoyment in.
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9/2/2012
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Weeds of Unfaithfulness in the Garden of Love
Matthew 5:27-30
Skip Heitzig
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A wise sage once remarked, "Passion is like fire and water—they are good servants but bad masters!" Sexual passion is like that, and every married couple needs to tend the garden of their love very carefully. That means pulling out the weeds that could lead to unfaithful behavior. Many a marriage has been burned in the fire of adultery or flooded with inordinate passion. Let's consider how our marriages can stay "adultery proof."
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9/9/2012
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Faith Walkin' and Tongue Talkin'
James 3:1-12
Gino Geraci
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Who or what controls your speech? Like a mighty ship that is controlled by a small rudder, our tongues are a small member with great power. Our speech is being controlled either by the Lord or it is being controlled by our own anger, bitterness, and selfishness. When Jesus is in control, we do not have to fear what is going to leak out between our teeth. In our text this week, we learn to be wary that we don't offend with our tongue.
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9/30/2012
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Short Fuse for the Long Haul!
Ephesians 4:25-32
Skip Heitzig
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How can couples have a good fight? Let's face it, there are good fights and there are bad ones. And anger only complicates things. Since marriage is a "long haul" commitment and some people have a "short fuse," there are four principles you need to know in order to fight fair. Moreover, disagreements can actually strengthen your relationship. How?
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10/7/2012
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Partners for Life
Psalm 1:1-6; Malachi 3:6-10
Bob Shank
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When couples marry, they form a partnership where they each agree to cooperate for their mutual interests—it's a partnership between a husband and a wife. But, there is a third party in that partnership—God. Each person's personal relationship with Jesus should be as active and as powerful as their relationship with each other. In this study, we see how we can improve our partnership with God and ensure His blessing on our lives, and we receive concise teaching on what God means when He tells us to test Him regarding our finances.
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10/14/2012
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Have a New You by Friday
Dr. Kevin Leman
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Guest speaker Dr. Kevin Leman provides insights for making changes in our marriages and our families. How do we change our behavior? By deciding to act differently! Let’s give 100% of ourselves to God—He is worth nothing less.
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10/21/2012
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In Sickness and in Health
Job 1-2
Skip Heitzig
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Couples who marry begin their relationship with a verbal contract of wedding vows. They are happy and eager to repeat the familiar "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health," but most fail to read the fine print of those negative possibilities. Today we will consider what happens in a marriage when health issues become the issue.
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10/28/2012
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The Most Important Job in the World
Ephesians 6:4
Skip Heitzig
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What job could possibly be more important to the world than a parent? A surgeon, lawyer, president, pastor, or economist? Nope! Think of a parent's influence: Every word and deed of a parent becomes a fiber woven into the character of a child that ultimately determines how that child fits into the fabric of society. But children can both unify a marriage relationship and challenge it. Let's pull some principles out of Ephesians 6:4 to see how to "Keep Calm" while raising kids.
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11/4/2012
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In-laws or Outlaws?
Genesis 28-31
Skip Heitzig
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When two people get married, they don't simply marry each other; they marry into an extended family consisting of mother-in-law, father-in-law, and perhaps even sister-in-law and brother-in-law. These in-laws come in all sizes and shapes, and all personalities, and there is the potential for these in-laws to become outlaws to the married couple. Today we explore that relationship and see pitfalls to avoid as well as practices to apply.
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11/11/2012
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The Unequal Yoke
2 Corinthians 6:11-18; 1 Peter 3:1-22
Skip Heitzig
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There is a hybrid relationship we haven’t talked out yet—the unequally yoked marriage: when one spouse is a believer while the other is an unbeliever. Such a relationship can occur for a whole number of reasons and can provide a whole host of challenges. But it can also be managed, and done so well: with grace and great success. Let’s consider this relationship today.
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11/18/2012
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Are You Building a House or a Home?
Psalm 127
Skip Heitzig
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John Henry Jowett wrote, “Anyone can build a house: We need the Lord for the creation of a home.” There’s a huge difference between the construction of these two: One is built with earthly materials and anxious thoughts; the other is the result of strong relationships. As we conclude our series today, consider how you’re planning for the future.
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There are 21 additional messages in this series.
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