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In-laws or Outlaws? - Genesis 28-31

Taught on | Topic: Marriage | Keywords: In-laws, God, mother-in-law, father-in-law, sister-in-law, son-in-law, daughter-in-law, brother-in-law, parent, child

When two people get married, they don't simply marry each other; they marry into an extended family consisting of mother-in-law, father-in-law, and perhaps even sister-in-law and brother-in-law. These in-laws come in all sizes and shapes, and all personalities, and there is the potential for these in-laws to become outlaws to the married couple. Today we explore that relationship and see pitfalls to avoid as well as practices to apply.

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11/4/2012
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In-laws or Outlaws?
Genesis 28-31
Skip Heitzig
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Message Summary
When two people get married, they don't simply marry each other; they marry into an extended family consisting of mother-in-law, father-in-law, and perhaps even sister-in-law and brother-in-law. These in-laws come in all sizes and shapes, and all personalities, and there is the potential for these in-laws to become outlaws to the married couple. Today we explore that relationship and see pitfalls to avoid as well as practices to apply.
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Series Description

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Keep Calm and Marry On

Keep Calm and Marry On

A Christian marriage is intended to portray Christ and His church to the world. But how do we ensure that our marriages live up to God's standards? God's Word contains what we need not only to flourish, but to overcome the emotional, societal, and spiritual attacks we face in our marriages. In this series, Pastor Skip Heitzig covers various scriptural texts to give us the biblical view on marriage. From dating to dealing with in-laws; from anger management to managing your finances; from conflict resolution to delightful sexual relations, this powerful series will provide the tools you need to strengthen your home and relationships.

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Outline

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  1. Role of Parents: To Release their Children's Security (28:1-5)

  2. Role of God: To Direct His Children's Steps (28:10-15)

  3. Role of In-laws: To Support their Children's Spouse (29:18-28)

  4. Role of Children: To Honor their Parents' Significance (31:2-7)

Putting Principles Into Practice:

  1. Are you willing to listen to the ideas of your in-laws, or do you have the attitude, "It's my way or no way at all"?

  2. For Parents: Don't make your married children dependent on you. Affirm their interests by asking questions and giving encouragement.
    For Young Marrieds: If you feel your parents are trying to control your decisions, thank them for their interest but request they give you freedom to make your own choices.

  3. Discuss with your spouse how you might improve relationships with your in-laws.

Detailed Notes

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  1. Introduction
    1. Adam and Eve the happiest of all couples, no in-laws
    2. Man went to doctor for physical checkup, six months to live, live with mother-in-law
    3. Young husband who hated his mother-in-law, found a genie in a bottle, 3 wishes
    4. Serious issue of in-laws can be either a blessing or a curse
      1. Sister-in-law drives me crazy
      2. Father-in-law disconnected
      3. Mother-in-law wants to tell me how to cook
      4. Son-in-law kidnapped our daughter
      5. Article in LA Times, comedian being sued by mother-in-law for all the mother-in-law jokes she was telling
      6. Jay Adams, Solving Marriage Problems; The most difficult of all relationships…the in-laws
      7. In-laws can become outlaws, the difference between the two: outlaws are wanted
  2. Four Roles: parents, God, in-laws, children
    1. Parent's role, to release their children
      1. Isaac releases Jacob from the security of the home
      2. Greatest gift: the gift of freedom (see Genesis 22:4)
        1. Leave father and mother
        2. Joined to each other
        3. One day they would have children
      3. Quick advice
        1. Parents: I am preparing them and me for the release
          1. (Catch and release: fishing) They are lent to us by God, they belong to God (see Psalm 127:3)
          2. Not deserting
          3. Not disrespectful
          4. A shift of allegiance
        2. Young couples
          1. Leaving is not just moving out of the house
          2. Parents can be dead and you can still hang on to them
          3. 65-year-old man, my wife has never ever left his father or mother
          4. Make your mate the most significant person in your life
          5. Commend your mate in front of your parents
          6. Never use negative language
          7. Try to include your spouse in your family conversations, never leave them out
          8. Make it clear to the parents
    2. God's Role is to direct His children's steps
      1. Jacob's wondering what's gonna happen now
      2. You are releasing your kids to the care of providential God
      3. Priorities
        1. Be the right spouse
        2. Have a solid relationship with God
        3. God is first priority and everything comes after that
        4. God gives Jacob priorities: get married, have kids
        5. Marriage ceremony, triangle, the closer you grow to God, the closer you grow to each other
        6. Good example in the book of Ephesians
          1. Chapters 1-3: your relationship with God
          2. Chapters 4-6: your relationship with people
            1. Chapter 4: how to get along with anyone
            2. Chapter 5: husband/wife
            3. Chapter 6: parents and then employer/employee
            4. Repeats pattern in Colossians and in 1 Timothy
        7. God-given pattern of priorities
        8. Number one: God; number two: spouse; number three, your children; number four everything else
      4. Keep this pattern to keep everything from getting out of whack
      5. Be passionately in love with God, be passionately in love with your spouse
        1. That's the best gift you can give to your children
        2. That's the best message you can send to your in-laws
    3. The in-law's role: be supportive of their children's choices, including their mate
      1. Laban had no regard for his daughter or his future son-in-laws
      2. 20 years go by, Jacob has his own family and business—they get into an argument
        1. Laban says everything is his
        2. He is all about him
      3. Wealthy business man wants to make son-in-law a 50/50 partner, son-in-law lazy
      4. Jacob was a hard worker
      5. Laban used his son-in-law to get rich, and Laban himself was lazy
      6. Girl fell in love and father could not stand the guy, happened three times, she finds someone just like her father, her mother can't stand him
      7. The husband/wife relationship should always take precedence over the child relationship
      8. They are one flesh – the package deal
      9. Don't give advice unless they ask you for it
    4. The role of children is to honor their parent's significance (both sets of parents)
      1. Rumor that Jacob was getting rich off Laban – not true
        1. Jacob spoke against his father-in-law in front of his wives and brothers-in-law
        2. Be respectful
        3. Be very careful what you say about your in-laws to and in front of your spouse
        4. Son-in-law bought mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas…
      2. Good example of in-law relationship, Luke 4
        1. Luke's mother-in-law lived with him
        2. Luke asked Jesus to heal her
        3. That's honor and respect
    5. Bring it down a notch
      1. Don't be so tense around your in-laws
      2. Add some humor, if possible
  3. Closing
    1. Ann Landers—man writes in about his sister-in-law
    2. Try to add a little humor
    3. Prayer every week that marriages in this fellowship grow deep and strong
    4. Hope that what we've learned so far helps all of us in our relationships

Publications referenced: LA Times, Solving Marriage Problems, Dear Abby
Figures referenced: Jay Adams, Ann Landers
Cross references: Genesis 22:4, Psalm 127:3, Luke 4:38-39, Ephesians, Colossians, 1 Timothy

Transcript

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Our God, we address you most often as our heavenly Father, and we come to you always in the name of Jesus Christ, your son, our Savior, whom the Bible also calls our brother. What we're thankful for is that not only do we have, through him, a relationship with you—you being the only perfect parent—but we depend upon you to reveal to us insights, give us tools and resources how to live our lives most successfully with other people.

And as we approach a very delicate and not very often discussed (at least from the pulpit) topic, and though certainly an issue we deal with on a daily basis, help us, Lord. Give us grace to understand, to grasp, and to put into practice principles that we find that are good, and avoid practices that are bad, in Jesus' name, amen.

Somebody once noted that Adam and Eve were probably the happiest of all couples who ever lived because they never had in laws. You may have heard the one about the middle aged man who went to his doctor for a physical checkup, and at the physical the doctor said, "You have six months left to live, no joke. You need to get your house in order. You need to make funeral arraignments. You need to make your will or trust. You need to get all that intact. You have six months to live. I suggest you do that early on, and then you spend the rest of the time enjoying your life, what's left of it."

Well, after this sunk in to the patient, the doctor finally asked the man, "So, what do you plan to do with the last six months of your life?" The man said, "I think I am going to go live with my mother in law." The doctor said, "Really, your mother in law? Of all people to live with, why would you live with her?" And the patient said, "Cuz it's going to be the longest six months of my life!"

Or you may have heard the one about the young husband who hated his mother in law. And he was walking on the beach one day and found a genie in a bottle, and the genie promised that he could have anything he wanted. But whatever he would wish for, knowing that he didn't like his mother in law, that the genie would give his mother in law twice that which he asked for.

So the man said, "Okay, I want a billion dollars." The genie said, "Okay, but your mother in law is going to get two billion dollars." "Okay, I'd like an island off the coast of Greece." "Okay," said the genie, "but your mother in law is going to get two islands off the coast of Greece." So the man saw where this was going and he thought long and hard about it, and he said to the genie, "I'd like you to beat me half to death." Okay, I am going to move on from those jokes really quickly.

I want to deal with this serious issue of in laws that can be either a blessing or a curse in a relationship. You're either an in law or you become an outlaw. On that serious note, here are some actual sentiments from people who have come in over the years for counseling. "My sister in law drives me crazy. She's telling me how to raise my children, and she's single."

Another one, "When my father in law comes to dinner, all he can talk about is his work or what he reads in the newspaper. He never asks any details about our lives. He seems totally disconnected from us." Another gal writes, "My husband's mother wants to tell me how to cook. I've cooked my own meals for five years before we were married. I think I know how to cook, I don't need her help." This is from parents now. "Our son in law has essentially kidnapped our daughter. Since they got married, he refuses to let her come to our family events."

I was reading a little article this week in the LA Times about a comedian on the West Coast, a gal, pretty famous, who was being sued by her mother in law because of all of the mother in law jokes this comedian was telling during her repertoire. I mean, like, every time she was on stage. Her mother in law lives in New York, and she lives on the West Coast, and this went to court. Finally, a federal judge dismissed it out of court saying there are free speech laws; this gal can say anything she wants.

But you can understand the kind of tension that would be in that family. Not only do I have in laws, and I have very good ones, by the way. I had to say that—no, I'm just kidding—I really do. I have good in laws, a great father in law, a wonderful mother in law. Not only do I have in laws, I am in laws. And so, I'm very sensitive to how this works.

I will say though, I have great in laws. The first time I met my mother in law-to-be was two days before my wedding, years ago in California. Never met her before. She was from Michigan. She came out for the wedding, and I'll never forget it, and here's why: She walked up to me, introduced herself, "I am Lenya's mother." Here is the second sentence out of her mouth: "If you ever mistreat my daughter, I will break both of your legs." She said it real calmly, but she wanted to get that point across, and the message was received.

Jay Adams, in his book Solving Marriage Problems writes, "Perhaps the most difficult of all relationships to deal with is the in law relationship. It's true that you marry the family. Unlike other situations, you simply can't avoid your in laws." The problem is in laws can become outlaws. And you know the differences between an outlaw and in law, right? Outlaws are wanted. I'm letting that sink in a little bit.

All the way back to Genesis, chapter 28, we have an example in the Old Testament and pretty early on in the text of Scripture as to how the dynamic between a couple and in laws can go south pretty quickly. Whereas last week we looked at one single verse of Scripture, today we look at several chapters, and we're just going take snippets from it. It's the story of Jacob and his wife, Rachel. I say wife, that's what he thought he was getting. He actually got wives, plural, from it, if you know the story.

We're going to look at four roles, and they're mentioned in your worship folder this morning: the role of the parent, the role of God, the role of the in laws, and the role of the children or the couple in question. And so we begin in chapter 28 with the first role. This is the role of parents: to release their children's security.

Look at verse 28:1, "Then Isaac called Jacob," that's his son, "and blessed him, and charged him, and said to him: 'You shall not take a wife from the daughters of Canaan. Arise, go to Padan Aram, to the house of Bethuel your mother's father; and take yourself a wife from there of the daughters of Laban your mother's brother. "May God Almighty bless you, and make you fruitful and multiply you, that you may be an assembly of peoples; and give you the blessing of Abraham, to you and your descendants with you, that you may inherit the land in which you are a stranger, which God gave to Abraham.' " "So he sent Jacob away, and he went to Padan Aram, to Laban the son of Bethuel the Syrian, the brother of Rebekah, the mother of Jacob and Esau."

The role of parents is this: to release their children. And Isaac does for Jacob what every father ought to do, and that is to release that child from the security of the home. You brought them up, but there comes a time where you release them. One of the greatest gifts parents can give their kids is the gift of freedom.

This takes us back to one of verses we began the series with, Genesis 2:24. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave or be joined into his wife, and the two shall become one flesh (see also Matthew 19:5). I don't know if you've ever examined that carefully, but don't you find it interesting that when God said, "You will leave and cleave," he said that to a couple, Adam and Eve, who'd never had parents? Nor did they, as yet, have children. Imagine how that would sound, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother." What is that? What is a father or mother? "And be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."

Why did God say that to Adam and Eve, having neither parents nor children as of yet? For this reason: God knew that one day they would have children. That was part of the plan, and that they themselves would model what a marriage is to their kids, and should encourage those children to go out and establish families of their own. So the role of parents: to release their children's security. "I've raised you, I love you, but now it's time for you to get out on your own."

Now, having said that, I want to give some quick advice to both parents and to young couples. First of all to parents: Every time you look at that child or children of yours, no matter what age they are at, you need to have, at least from time to time have this thought, "I am preparing them, and me, for the launch, for the release." You know, having kids is sort of like fishing, catch and release, catch and release. Because they are yours only temporarily, you have to release them.

Psalm 127, remember what it says? "Children are a heritage from the Lord." The New Living Translation says they're "a gift." Children are a gift, and I'll add, a "temporary" gift. Children have been lent to us by God; they're not yours, really. You're simply a steward of them, but they are not your personal property; they belong to God. So you are going to release them— leaving and cleaving.

Now, leaving doesn't mean deserting, nor does leaving imply that the children or children in law need to be disrespectful. It doesn't mean that, of course. The idea means there must be, at some point, a shift of allegiance, an allegiance shift. To that young man getting married, his mother is no longer the dominant female in his life, his wife is. And for that young girl getting married, her father is no longer the dominant male in her life, but her husband is. No couple will ever reach full potential in marriage without this. So that's some advice to parents.

Now, advice to young couples: When it says you will leave your father and mother, leaving doesn't just mean move out of the house. Because you know what? You can move out of the house three thousand miles away and still you haven't left your father and mother. I would even say your parents can be dead, and you still haven't left father and mother, in some cases. Some people just hold on to some things forever.

There was a—true story—a sixty-five year old man who had been married forty years, heard his pastor give a message on in laws years ago. Afterwards, approached the pastor and said, "Now I get it, why I've had problems—why we've had problems in our marriage. All of these years my wife has never ever left her father or her mother." Leaving simply means you're making your mate the most significant other person in your life.

Now, let me add to that advice a little bit. Make sure, young couple, that you are forging that leaving—cleaving, one flesh principle in front of your parents. How? Commend your mate in front of your mother and father. Extol his or her virtues. Talk about their good points. Never complain about your spouse in front of your parents. Never use negative language because that will make it difficult for your parents to ever love and respect your mate as they should. So you need to forge the leaving and the cleaving by what you say in front of them.

Also, try to include your spouse in family conversations, your family conversations, your family activities. A spouse should never be left out when a family gathers together. In fact, you ought to make that clear to your parents and say, "If you want one of us, you have to have both of us." It's a package deal, that's the one flesh part of it. So the role of parents: to release their children's security.

But now watch this, go on in the text; we have the role of God mentioned in the same chapter. I take you down to verse 10, and God's role in the process is to direct his children's steps. Verse 10, "Now Jacob went out from Beersheba and went toward Haran. So he came to a certain place and stayed there all night, because the sun had set. And he took one of the stones of that place and put it at his head, and he lay down in that place to sleep." This is before Posturepedic pillows.

"Then he dreamed, and behold, a ladder was set up on the earth, and its top reached to heaven; and there the angels of God were ascending and descending on it. And behold, the Lord stood above it and said: 'I am the Lord God of Abraham your father and the God of Isaac; the land on which you lie I will give to you and your descendants. Also your descendants shall be as the dust of the earth; you shall be spread abroad to the west and the east, the north and south; and in you and in your seed all the families of the earth shall be blessed. Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you until I have done what I have spoken to you.' "

These are perfect words for a guy who just left home to hear. He's out there wondering, "What is my future going to be? My father told me to leave. I have left. What's going to happen now?" Now, he hears God give him this great promise.

By the way, parents, when you release your children, this is what you are releasing them to: the providential care of almighty God. You are saying to them, "I have raised you, I have provided for you, but I am now turning you over to the care of your heavenly Father that I've told you about your whole life. May he bless you, may he multiply you." You're not just saying, "Good luck!" You're releasing them into God's care. So God speaks to him and basically introduces his role to them. "I'm going to be the one directing you. I'm going to be the one guiding you."

This brings up the issue of priorities. Every couple who gets married needs to establish a grid of priorities. If you get this wrong, you get everything else wrong. And priorities begin—the first priority is that you become the right kind of spouse. Now, listen to this: Most people are looking for the right spouse; you need to start thinking about being the right spouse. And that begins by you having a solid relationship with God; it's that priority. God is my first priority, and everything else comes after that. I'm surrendered to his will. I want what he wants.

Now, you'll notice, I kind of emphasized it as we read in verse 13 and 14, that God affirms his will for Jacob to get married and have kids. He uses the word descendants twice in those two verses. Well, you can't have descendants unless you get married and have kids. So God is simply giving to Jacob a "priority grid." "Here it is, Jacob: me first, God first, your family second." Those are the priorities. That is God's role: to direct your steps.

It might sound a little simplistic, but typically when I do a wedding and the bride is standing right here, to my right, (it would be your left) groom is standing right here, to my left. I paint a simple picture, the simpler the better; you remember it that way.

I say, "Picture your life as a triangle. You're in the bottom corner, ma'am. Sir, you're in the bottom corner over here. God is in the corner up on top. If you want to grow closer to each other, you discover that as you seek the Lord, seek the Lord, grow closer to the Lord, grow closer to the Lord, something happens; you are growing closer to each other. You're establishing a spiritual bond with each other that will not be quickly broken."

That's the priority grid. We have a good example of this not only here; we have a good example of this in the book of Ephesians, which we have been looking at in this series. Now, don't turn there; just listen. Paul lays out the entire book of Ephesians with this grid that I'm talking about. Chapters 1-3, Paul addresses your relationship with God. You're seated with Christ Jesus in heavenly places, he's given you this, this, this, and that; three chapters of that, your priority with God.

Chapters 4, 5, and 6, the second half of the book, Paul is writing about your relationship with people. So he speaks about your relationship vertically, God; horizontally, humans. The fourth chapter is general, how to get along with people anywhere, be humble, be loving. If you are Christian, see yourself as part of if body of Christ. But then he gets very specific in chapter 5, as we have seen. Chapter 5 he speaks about the husband–wife relationship first, then in chapter 6 the parent–child relationship, followed by the employer–employee relationship in the workplace.

Now, that is a deliberate pattern by Paul because he does that in Ephesians, he repeats that same pattern in the book of Colossians, and again in the book of 1 Timothy. So that is a deliberate God given pattern of priority living.

Number one, God. Number two, your husband or wife. Number three, your children. Number four, everything else: your vocation, your job, your hobbies, etcetera. That's God's pattern. If you don't keep this pattern, your whole life will get out of whack. If you don't keep this pattern, things like your job will start taking precedence over your family. If you don't keep this pattern, your in-laws might creep in and you give them a higher level than you have with your spouse. Or, as is often the case, your children take a higher priority than your spouse.

You know, I've counseled some women whose life is so consumed in having and raising children, that when their kids leave the house, they lose purpose and meaning in life altogether. What happened, at some point in their journey, is that they began to identify themselves as a mother, but not as a spouse—a wife and a mother. In fact, it's like they got married in order to become a mother, and then forgot that other first relationship. So when the kids leave, they have nothing left. That has to be avoided. The priority grid: God first; spouse second; children third; vocation, avocation, everything else last.

So I sum it up this way: Be passionately in love with God; that's the best gift you can give to your spouse. Be passionately in love your spouse; that's the best gift you can give to your children. And as you are passionately in love with your God and your spouse, that's the best message you can send to your in laws.

Okay, now, the story takes a little bit of a turn here. Jacob has left his parents, he's had God's assurance, and now he's about to meet his future wife and father in law, Laban. Chapter 29, go to verse 10, "And it came to pass, when Jacob saw Rachel." It's like love at first sight. "The daughter of Laban his mother's brother, and the sheep of Laban his mother's brother, that Jacob went near and rolled the stone from the well's mouth." Can you just picture this? He's going to show himself chivalrous, a caretaker. "And watered the flock of Laban his mother's brother."

So far so good, it's love at first sight, he's showing himself strong, but the next verse I've always found a little weird. "Then Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice and wept [emphasis added]." Okay, am I the only one that thinks that's a little bit odd? Your first kiss [crying]. She's thinking, "Is it the garlic I ate, what?" I can't explain it; it's just something that I always found humorous.

Brings us to the third role: the role of in laws. And before we jump in, here's basically God's design for in laws: in laws are to be supportive. They are to support their children's mate. I would even say they should support their children's choices, which include their children's mate. That's the role. The role is never to be divisive, never to be manipulative, always to be supportive. I share that first because Laban does none of these things. He breaks every rule in the book.

So let's look at chapter 29 at verse 18, "Now Jacob loved Rachel; so he said—" this is to Laban, her dad. " 'I will serve you seven years for Rachel, your younger daughter.' And Laban said, 'It is better that I give her to you than that I should give her to another man. Stay with me.' So Jacob served seven years for Rachel, and they seemed only a few days to him because of the love he had for her." One of the most romantic verses in the Scripture. "Jacob said to Laban—" this is after seven years," 'Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in to her—' He wants the wedding night. "And Laban gathered together all the men of the place and made a feast. Now it came to pass in the evening, that he took Leah his daughter and brought her to Jacob; and he went in to her. And Laban gave his maid Zilpah to his daughter Leah as a maid. So it came to pass in the morning, that behold, it was Leah, and he said to Laban, 'What is this that you have done to me? Was it not for Rachel that I served you? Why then have you deceived me?' "

Now listen to this: "And Laban said, 'It must not be done so in our country, to give the younger before the first born. Fulfill her week, and we will give you this one also.' " Notice how he refers to his daughter? " 'We will give you this one also for the service which you will serve with me still another seven years.' Then Jacob did so and fulfilled her week. So he gave him his daughter Rachel as wife."

It's pretty clear that Laban has no regard for his daughter, and even less regard for his future son in law. Laban is in this thing for his own benefit and for his own financial gain. Okay, now we need to fast forward twenty years from this point. They get married twenty years into the future when Jacob has his own family, his own children. He has his own property; he's had a family business with his father in law, Laban. It's time for them the split company.

So I take you to chapter 31; just turn a couple pages there. Chapter 31, twenty years later, and listen as Laban reveals his true heart to his son in law. I take you over to verse 41. Jacob is speaking. Jacob says, "Thus I have been in your house twenty years; I served you fourteen years for your two daughters, and six years for your flock, and you have changed my wages ten times." That does not mean a price increase or a wage increase. It's not like he got a raise, but was lowered.

"Unless the God of my father, the God of Abraham and the Fear of Isaac had been with me, surely now you would have sent me away empty handed. God has seen my affliction and labor of my hands, and rebuked you last night." So they are getting into an argument.

Okay, listen to father in law. "And Laban answered and said to Jacob, 'These daughters are my daughters, these children are my children.' " He's referring to his grandchildren—Jacob, his son in law's kids. "These are my children and this flock is my flock, all that you see is mine. But what can I do this day to these my daughters and to their children." He doesn't even include Jacob. "Which they have borne?" Can you see this man's heart? It's all about him. He sees it all as his, and in splitting with his son in law, he shares the truth about who he is.

There was a wealthy businessman whose daughter married a young man. Now the businessman, father in law, approaches his son in law and says, "You know, we love our daughter very much, and now that you are married to her, I am going to make you a fifty-fifty partner in my business, a very, very lucrative business. So you have 50 percent share in this business. The only thing you need to do is go to the factory every day and learn operations."

The young man says, "You know, I really hate factories; I can't take the noise." "The father in law says, "Okay then, I need you to go to the office every day and at least learn some of the management of the operations in the factory." And the kid said, "You know, I can't see myself stuck behind a desk all day; I'm not an office kind of a guy."

So the father in law says, "Okay, so we got a problem here. I've just offered you 50 percent in a lucrative business. You say you can't work in the factory. You won't work in the office. What am I going to do with you?" The young man smiled and said, "Easy, you can buy me out." A very shrewd young man and a very lazy young man, and that was not Jacob's problem at all. Jacob was a hard worker as the text reveals.

But that was his father in law's problem, who was using his son in law, Jacob, to get rich off of while he did all the work, and he himself was lazy; that was the problem. I'm sure that Laban probably thought like some dads do, "There's not a boy—there's not a man on this earth who's good enough for my daughter." Ever heard that before? Who's ever said that before? Maybe he thought that.

I heard about a girl who fell in love with a young man and brought him home to meet her father. The father couldn't stand the guy. "Not good enough for my daughter. Worthless! Rejected!" and would not give a blessing for their wedding. This didn't just happen one time, it happened three times. Three different young men brought home, father rejected all of them.

Finally, she said, "I got to find somebody who's more like my father so my father will accept them. So, finally, she finds this guy who's so much like her father that he walks like her father, he talks like her father, even looks like her dad. Brings him home and says, "Surely my dad will approve of him." She brings him home, wouldn't you know it; her mother couldn't stand him. Lose–lose.

This whole "leave and cleave" principle that we have been discussing didn't even enter into Laban's thinking; it was all about him, not them. Laban failed to understand that the husband–wife relationship must always take precedence over the child–parent relationship. Now, what that means to us practically is that parents should always accept their child's mate as if that were their own child. You can't have different categories of love and respect, "Well, this is my daughter, this is my son in law, this is my daughter in law, this is my—." They're one flesh. It's the package deal. Laban didn't get that.

By the way, rule of thumb in giving advice to your children when they're married: Don't do it unless they ask you for it. That's the rule of thumb. "Well, you know I've always . . . And let me tell you . . . " Don't even go there—just zip. And if they ask you for it, then offer it, but don't offer it unless they ask for it. Otherwise, the in laws become laws outlaws.

Here's the fourth role, and we'll close with this: the role of children. We've seen the role of parents: to release. The role of God: to direct. The role of in laws: to support. Now here's the role of the couple getting married, the children, and that role is: to honor, to honor their parents' significance, and both sets of parents.

Take you back to chapter 31, but look at the very first section of it, go back to 31:1. It's a conversation between Jacob and his wife. "Now Jacob heard the words of Laban's sons, saying, 'Jacob has taken away all that was our father's, and from what was our father's he has acquired all this wealth.' " So there was a rumor going on that wasn't true about Jacob, that Jacob was using Laban to get rich off of when, actually, Laban was using Jacob for that. But he hears the rumor.

"And Jacob," verse 2, "saw the countenance [the facial expression] of Laban, and indeed it was not favorable toward him as before. Then the Lord said to Jacob, 'Return to the land of your fathers and to your family, and I will be with you.' So Jacob sent and called Rachel and Leah to the field, to his flock, and said to them, 'I see your father's countenance, that it is not favorable toward me as before; but the God of my father has been with me. And you know that with all my might I have served your father. Yet your father has deceived me and changed my wages ten times, but God did not allow him to hurt me.' "

Look at verse 9, "So God has taken away the livestock of your father and given them to me." Probably everything Jacob said was true, but to say that in this manner to his wives, the daughters of that man, his father in law, Laban, may have been a mistake. The role of children is to honor their parents'—collectively—significance .

Be careful, first of all, how you talk to your parents and parents-in law. Be careful that when they're talking you don't interrupt them, even if you disagree with them. Have the respect and honor to let them speak and finish without you interrupting or talking them down or giving them a jab. Also, be very careful what you say to your spouse about his or her parents in the presence of your spouse. You want to make sure that you are honoring—what you say to them.

There was one young husband who bought his mother in law for Christmas a cemetery plot. Yes, that's a message in and of itself. And the following year he didn't buy her anything for Christmas. So the mother in law said, "I notice you didn't buy me anything for Christmas." And the young man said, "You didn't use the gift I gave you last year." Not a good example. In fact, this whole episode of Jacob with his father in law is not a good example. It happens to be a true example, yet it is not the example we are to follow.

Let me give you what I consider a good example of an in law relationship, and it's out of one single verse in Luke, chapter 4; look at it later. Luke, chapter 4, there's a verse about Peter's mother in law. We don't usually think about Peter having a mother in law, but listen, it says when Jesus and the disciples came from the synagogue in Capernaum, and they went to Peter's house, Peter's mother who was living with them—stop right there, first of all. Peter has his mother in law living with them.

Second, Peter's mother in law is sick and he brings Jesus to the house to heal his mother in law. Not a lot of men would do that. They wouldn't say, "Jesus heal them." They might say, "Jesus, just finish her off." Mother in law is living with Peter; Peter wants her healed. That's honor and respect. That's a wonderful example as seen in the life of Peter.

I'll add one more thing to the mix, and we close. If you can, bring it down a notch. When you're around your in laws, you might have the tendency to just tighten up, "Uh-oh, here's my mother in law and father in law. 'Hi, really good to have you this month.' " If you can, try to bring it down and try to relax, and even bring a little humor into a situation that would not change without it.

I close with this; I found it kind of funny. Ann Landers received a true letter from a young man. Dear Ann landers: My sister in law, Janice, telephones once or twice a week. When I say, "Hello," she says, "Is Alice there?" She never says one word to me—no recognition whatsoever. For ten years I have been a wonderful husband to this woman's sister and loving son in law to her mother. My wife has asked Janice nicely to say hello to me, but Janice says she doesn't want to be bothered with formalities.

So, several weeks ago I sent Janice a card with the following note: It said this, "When someone who knows me and phones and says neither 'Hello' nor 'How are you?' I feel as though that person is being intentionally insulting. I would consider it a gesture of goodwill if you would say, 'Hi, Bill, how are you?' from time to time. I will inform you immediately if Alice is not home or will go and get her if she is. Thank you."

Janice responded to him with a note saying it would make her feel like a phony if she were to change her current behavior to something different. I'm at the end of my rope, writes this young man to Ann Landers. I cannot continue to ignore my sister in law's insulting behavior. Unless you tell me otherwise, I intend to hang up on her if she doesn't acknowledge me. Kindly give me your opinion of this bizarre situation. Signed, Battered Brother in Law in California.

Ann writes back: Dear Battered: Janice has figured out how to get your goat, and you, like a fool, have fallen for it every time. Try a different approach. Next time Janice phones to talk to your wife, say, "This is the butler. Madam Alice is entertaining the queen of Romania. Who should I say is calling?" Unless she is totally without a sense of humor, this should soften her up a bit. She is saying, "Try to add a little humor into a person's life who is just tight. It might backfire, but try it."

We've had twenty weeks of Keep Calm and Marry On. A couple more weeks, we're out of it. It's been my prayer every week for the marriages in this fellowship that they grow deep and strong, and they forge tight bonds of communication and interrelation that will withstand the storms of time. I'm hoping that what we've learned so far—we've tackled some subjects that usually are not tackled in a marriage series, because we are hoping to bring discussion about them, and offer tools that can help all of us in our relationships; by God's grace that has happened.

Let's pray. Father, we thank you for the ability to look at the Scripture and what your Word says about issues that we live with, we deal with, we're there all the time. Thank you, Lord, that we find a good example or a bad example, and we find principles behind it that help us in our lives with one another, with you, in Jesus' name, amen.


Additional Messages in this Series

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6/10/2012
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No Man Is An Island
Genesis 2:18-22
Skip Heitzig
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Welcome to a new series! If you're presently not married, don't tune out! You may be someday and it will be worth the investment to listen and learn. If you are married, this will provide needed affirmation of your marriage vows. Let's make a deal—let's decide that it's not enough to just survive in our marriages; let's aim to thrive in them. To do that, we have to revisit God's original design and plan for this foundational relationship.
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6/17/2012
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The First Wedding
Genesis 2:23-25
Skip Heitzig
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Today we go back in time to the first wedding—the prototype. The Divine Architect had something specific in mind when He established marriage. Before the days of ancient polygamy, before the days of male chauvinism and neo-feminism, before the days of no-fault divorce and pre-nuptial agreements was the simplicity of God and His creation. There He brought a man and woman together. What did He want this relationship to be like?
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6/24/2012
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Trouble In Paradise
Genesis 3:1-20
Skip Heitzig
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One pundit said, "'And they lived happily ever after' is one of the most tragic sentences in literature. It's tragic because it tells a falsehood about life and has led countless generations of people to expect something from human existence that is not possible on this fragile, failing, imperfect earth." Even in Eden, Adam and Eve didn't live happily ever after. The fall of man into sin brought repercussions that are still felt today.
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7/1/2012
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Gender Wars
Genesis 1-3
Skip Heitzig
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"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" reads a popular book title. The genders are different from each other; we were designed that way. Today we consider that design and how it became marred. This section of Scripture helps us understand the roots of chauvinism and feminism, both of which have added confusion to our culture. It also helps us understand the roles God gave to men and women, and how they work today.
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7/8/2012
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Friends with Benefits
Matthew 22:37-40
Nate Heitzig
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No matter how you view dating, finding the right mate can be tricky. What should you be looking for in a potential spouse? How can you know that this is God's best for you? Though the Bible is silent about dating per se, it says a lot about how we are to treat one another and what our priorities ought to be. These principles play a major factor in the success of dating relationships—and marriages. Let's open our Bibles to Matthew 22:37-40 for guidance in playing the sometimes challenging dating game.
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7/15/2012
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The Hardest Word in a Marriage
Ephesians 5:22-24
Skip Heitzig
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Some people would consider submission to be as bad as a four-letter word. But that’s because they don’t understand it. God’s plan is always the best plan. He designed your life to be one that is fulfilling and rewarding. Jesus said, “I have come that they might have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10). For that to happen, we must function within the guidelines of His will in the relational roles we occupy. Today we look at the basic role of a wife in a marriage relationship.
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7/22/2012
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The Storm-Proof Shelter of a Husband's Love
Ephesians 5:25-32
Skip Heitzig
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OK men, it's our turn today—God's blueprint for husbands is in view here. God's plan is for a man's love to become a strong shelter for his wife. The kind of love the Bible directs a husband to have is the kind that makes it easy for a woman to submit to. In fact, I believe the husband holds the key to a flourishing relationship by his initiating and cultivating love.
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7/29/2012
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Strength and Honor
Hebrews 13:4
Levi Lusko
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From crude advertising campaigns to raunchy entertainment, sex has been taken captive to a mindset of dishonor and shame. In truth, sex is a gift from God. He knows best how it can be fully enjoyed—within the marriage relationship. As we ponder the biblical principles of honor and integrity, we gain a deeper understanding of God's plan for purity before marriage and a vibrant sex life afterward.
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8/5/2012
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Homemaker or Homebreaker?
Titus 2;Proverbs 31
Skip Heitzig
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We are surrounded by hostile, home-shattering influences in our world today. The supportive elements of society no longer shade and protect us (like they once did). The Christian home must blossom in a field of weeds! Today I'd like to speak to wives in their role as homemakers (fightin' words for some). Let's take a twenty-first century look at a centuries-old struggle and why God honors the role of the homemaker.
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8/12/2012
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Needed: Real Men!
Joshua 24:1-15
Skip Heitzig
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The definition of what a real man is will vary from person to person, background to background, and ideology to ideology. But one thing is certain: A man who really is godly and really is a spiritual leader and really serves his family is RARE! Today we consider the aged leader of the ancient Hebrew nation, who was calling on the men of his generation to become real men. Joshua instructed those men to do three things.
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8/19/2012
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How to Have a Love Affair with Your Spouse - Part 1
Proverbs 5
Skip Heitzig
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Being intimate with someone involves more than just sex. Intimacy is a sense of caring and affection in which one can be totally vulnerable without the fear of being hurt or misunderstood. Intimacy is essential if a marriage is going to thrive. How about your marriage? Do these following three elements that foster intimacy exist in your marriage?
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8/26/2012
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How to Have a Love Affair with Your Spouse - Part 2
Proverbs 5:15-21; Song_of_Solomon 1:1-7:13
Skip Heitzig
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For a majority of married couples, the word enduring sums up their nuptial experience. But let me offer another word, the idea of which comes straight from Scripture itself: It’s the word enjoying. For those of you who merely endure your marriage, you could enjoy it. Using two of the writings of King Solomon, we will explore four areas that healthy married couples could and should be experiencing enjoyment in.
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9/2/2012
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Weeds of Unfaithfulness in the Garden of Love
Matthew 5:27-30
Skip Heitzig
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A wise sage once remarked, "Passion is like fire and water—they are good servants but bad masters!" Sexual passion is like that, and every married couple needs to tend the garden of their love very carefully. That means pulling out the weeds that could lead to unfaithful behavior. Many a marriage has been burned in the fire of adultery or flooded with inordinate passion. Let's consider how our marriages can stay "adultery proof."
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9/9/2012
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Faith Walkin' and Tongue Talkin'
James 3:1-12
Gino Geraci
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Who or what controls your speech? Like a mighty ship that is controlled by a small rudder, our tongues are a small member with great power. Our speech is being controlled either by the Lord or it is being controlled by our own anger, bitterness, and selfishness. When Jesus is in control, we do not have to fear what is going to leak out between our teeth. In our text this week, we learn to be wary that we don't offend with our tongue.
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9/30/2012
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Short Fuse for the Long Haul!
Ephesians 4:25-32
Skip Heitzig
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How can couples have a good fight? Let's face it, there are good fights and there are bad ones. And anger only complicates things. Since marriage is a "long haul" commitment and some people have a "short fuse," there are four principles you need to know in order to fight fair. Moreover, disagreements can actually strengthen your relationship. How?
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10/7/2012
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Partners for Life
Psalm 1:1-6; Malachi 3:6-10
Bob Shank
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When couples marry, they form a partnership where they each agree to cooperate for their mutual interests—it's a partnership between a husband and a wife. But, there is a third party in that partnership—God. Each person's personal relationship with Jesus should be as active and as powerful as their relationship with each other. In this study, we see how we can improve our partnership with God and ensure His blessing on our lives, and we receive concise teaching on what God means when He tells us to test Him regarding our finances.
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10/14/2012
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Have a New You by Friday
Dr. Kevin Leman
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Guest speaker Dr. Kevin Leman provides insights for making changes in our marriages and our families. How do we change our behavior? By deciding to act differently! Let’s give 100% of ourselves to God—He is worth nothing less.
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10/21/2012
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In Sickness and in Health
Job 1-2
Skip Heitzig
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Couples who marry begin their relationship with a verbal contract of wedding vows. They are happy and eager to repeat the familiar "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health," but most fail to read the fine print of those negative possibilities. Today we will consider what happens in a marriage when health issues become the issue.
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10/28/2012
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The Most Important Job in the World
Ephesians 6:4
Skip Heitzig
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What job could possibly be more important to the world than a parent? A surgeon, lawyer, president, pastor, or economist? Nope! Think of a parent's influence: Every word and deed of a parent becomes a fiber woven into the character of a child that ultimately determines how that child fits into the fabric of society. But children can both unify a marriage relationship and challenge it. Let's pull some principles out of Ephesians 6:4 to see how to "Keep Calm" while raising kids.
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11/11/2012
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The Unequal Yoke
2 Corinthians 6:11-18; 1 Peter 3:1-22
Skip Heitzig
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There is a hybrid relationship we haven’t talked out yet—the unequally yoked marriage: when one spouse is a believer while the other is an unbeliever. Such a relationship can occur for a whole number of reasons and can provide a whole host of challenges. But it can also be managed, and done so well: with grace and great success. Let’s consider this relationship today.
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11/18/2012
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Are You Building a House or a Home?
Psalm 127
Skip Heitzig
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John Henry Jowett wrote, “Anyone can build a house: We need the Lord for the creation of a home.” There’s a huge difference between the construction of these two: One is built with earthly materials and anxious thoughts; the other is the result of strong relationships. As we conclude our series today, consider how you’re planning for the future.
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There are 21 additional messages in this series.
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