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The Unequal Yoke - 2 Corinthians 6:11-18; 1 Peter 3:1-22

Taught on | Topic: Marriage | Keywords: unequal yoke, husband, wife, saved, unsaved, unbeliever, believer, marriage, dating, divorce

There is a hybrid relationship we haven’t talked out yet—the unequally yoked marriage: when one spouse is a believer while the other is an unbeliever. Such a relationship can occur for a whole number of reasons and can provide a whole host of challenges. But it can also be managed, and done so well: with grace and great success. Let’s consider this relationship today.

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11/11/2012
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The Unequal Yoke
2 Corinthians 6:11-18; 1 Peter 3:1-22
Skip Heitzig
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Message Summary
There is a hybrid relationship we haven’t talked out yet—the unequally yoked marriage: when one spouse is a believer while the other is an unbeliever. Such a relationship can occur for a whole number of reasons and can provide a whole host of challenges. But it can also be managed, and done so well: with grace and great success. Let’s consider this relationship today.
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Keep Calm and Marry On

Keep Calm and Marry On

A Christian marriage is intended to portray Christ and His church to the world. But how do we ensure that our marriages live up to God's standards? God's Word contains what we need not only to flourish, but to overcome the emotional, societal, and spiritual attacks we face in our marriages. In this series, Pastor Skip Heitzig covers various scriptural texts to give us the biblical view on marriage. From dating to dealing with in-laws; from anger management to managing your finances; from conflict resolution to delightful sexual relations, this powerful series will provide the tools you need to strengthen your home and relationships.

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Outline

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  1. Marrying an Unequal Partner (2 Corinthians 6:11-18)


    1. Being So Yoked is Understandable

    2. Blaming Some Others is Unhelpful


  2. Managing an Unequal Partnership (1 Peter 3:1-7)


    1. With Wise Submission

    2. With Silent Preaching

    3. With Balanced Beauty

    4. With Mutual Respect




Strengthening the Bond:


  1. Do you know any who are in an “unequally yoked” relationship like the one described today? How could you be a support to the believing spouse without disrupting the marriage dynamic?

  2. If you are in such a relationship, consider forging friendships with other believers you know who could be a practical resource to you, and you to them.

Detailed Notes

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  1. Introduction
    1. Unique marriages
      1. Not ideal
      2. They make it work
    2. Classified Ad in NJ paper (Gretchen)
    3. We are all different
      1. Opposites attract
      2. Differences are great
      3. When they undermine the stability of the relationship
        1. Unequal yoke – marriage relationship
        2. Believer married to an unbeliever
        3. "I have no way of knowing whether or not you married the wrong person, but I do know that many people have a lot of wrong ideas about marriage and what it takes to make that marriage happy and successful. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s possible that you did marry the wrong person. However, if you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having married the right person after all."— Zig Ziglar
        4. Washington Post research compiled on mixed marriages
          1. In the 80s 15% of American couples had mixed faith marriages
          2. Today that's about 25%
          3. With that comes with a difference in world view
            1. Strained relationship
            2. Chance of divorce goes up
          4. Mixed faith: Catholic marrying an Evangelical, Baptist marrying a Mormon, Jewish person marrying a Christian, etc.
    4. Two Scriptures, 2 Corinthians 6:11-18, 1 Peter 3:1-22
      1. Marrying an unequal partner
      2. Managing an unequal partnership
  2. Marrying an unequal partner
    1. Term unequal yoke
      1. Farming term—two animals yoked together
      2. Same animals, same species, same temperament, same weight—no problem
      3. Term comes from Jewish Law (see Deuteronomy 22:10)
    2. In Marriage
      1. One loves God, seeks God, wants to be in fellowship with other believers
      2. Unbeliever doesn't understand those yearnings of the believing spouse
      3. Example: We are separated because I'm saved…
      4. How does such a circumstance come to exist?
        1. Husband or wife gets saved, the other does not
          1. Two unbelievers get married
          2. One decides to give their life to Christ
            1. This new relationship is threatening to the unbelieving spouse
            2. Jesus comes between them
        2. Two believers are married and then one falls away and the other remains faithful to the Lord
        3. Deception: When they got married, she thought he was saved
          1. He pretended to be saved because he wanted to marry her
          2. After marriage the mask came off
        4. Disobedience : Dating and then marrying an unbeliever
          1. Missionary dating
          2. "I see him as my great assignment from God"
          3. Eventually she marries her schoolwork
          4. Often he drags her down and she compromises
          5. Seeds of disobedience always yield a harvest of consequence
        5. Earthquake off the coast of Japan
          1. Devastated the coast of Japan
          2. Tectonic plates suddenly moved and caused devastation
          3. When a two people in a relationship are moving in different directions, there is going to some sort of tremor that occurs
          4. Then blaming occurs
            1. Believer blames herself
            2. Blames God
            3. This is not helpful
            4. No excuses everyone stands for their own choices that they make
        6. Encouragement: as much as you want your spouse saved, God wants them saved even more than you do (see 2 Peter 3:9 and John 3:16)
        7. Spiritually vulnerable situation
  3. Managing an unequal partnership
    1. The marriage may not be ideal, but you can have a loving relationship
      1. Treat the wrong person like the right person and you'll discover that they were the right person all along
      2. Don't idealize another's Christian marriage—it's not a reality
    2. Don't divorce them (see 1 Corinthians 7:12-16)
      1. Stay in the relationship
      2. Spouse and children are sanctified by the believer
      3. "Wives, likewise, be submissive…" 1 Peter 3:1
        1. Saved women, unsaved husbands
        2. Six times more Scripture dealing with wives, than with husbands (women had it harder)
    3. Wise submission
      1. Not to sinful desires (see Act 5:29)
      2. Sounds counterintuitive—submissive to Christ or husband?
      3. Not a doormat
      4. Submit: Relinquish your own rights in order to meet someone else's needs
      5. Because you want to honor and please Christ
      6. Story: Woman married to a tyrant, she was miserable, he died, she remarried; she met her new husband's needs out of love not by threat
    4. Silent preaching vs. 1
      1. Doesn't mean you never share
        1. You have to say something (see 1 Peter 1:23)
        2. They've already heard it now live it
        3. Don't nag, badger, or argue
        4. Don't set alarm clock to loud preacher
        5. Don't pin notes on his pillow
        6. Don't stuff tracts in his lunch
      2. Be faithful to God and to your husband
    5. Balanced beauty v. 3
      1. Everyone appreciates beauty
        1. Any house looks better painted—paint the house
        2. Don't stop there, decorate the inside
      2. A beautiful inside (spirit) is even more important than the outside
      3. Outward is only temporary (see Proverbs 31:30)
    6. Husbands be understanding vs. 7
      1. For both husbands and wives
      2. Mutual respect and honor
        1. Be considerate: sensitive to her physical, emotional and spiritual needs
        2. Be caring: honor her, she's the special one in your life
        3. Be chivalrous: weaker vessel
          1. Not weaker intellectually
          2. Not weaker spiritually
          3. Simply about the physical constitution
        4. 10-year-old boys were asked how they would make a marriage work, "Tell her she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck"
    7. "That your prayers may not be hindered" v. 7
      1. Naturally your prayers will be for spouse's conversion—petitions for salvation
      2. Respect and honor them or they will resent your Christianity
  4. Closing
    1. If you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having the right person after all
    2. Treat them like a gem, win them to the Lord

Publications referenced: Washington Post


Figures referenced: Zig Ziglar


Cross references: Deuteronomy 22:10, Proverbs 31:30, John 3:16, Acts 5:29, 1 Corinthians 7:12-16, 1 Peter 1:23















Transcript

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Lord, we do thank you for the freedoms we have in this great country of ours. Thank you that we get to live here to participate in its government, and to enjoy the freedoms that we enjoy. We thank you in a special way for those men and women who give their time and their lives, who risk their own safety, so that we might live in a country that enjoys these privileges, these rights, and these freedoms.

It's our prayer that you keep them safe and return them speedily home. And now, Father, as we turn toward another battle, this one being waged in homes across this nation, I pray that you would strengthen the very fiber of our own relational marriage. And, Father, we pray that you give us ears to hear and a special blessing those who fit the description of the unequal yoke, in Jesus' name, amen.

Would you turn in your Bibles to 2 Corinthians, chapter 6. Second Corinthians, chapter 6, but you're going to need to put a marker in 1 Peter, chapter 3. Those are the two passages we're looking at today: Second Corinthians, chapter 6; 1 Peter, chapter 3.

You know some people have very unique marriages. It's not the ideal, it's not what they wanted, but they know how to make it work somehow. It's a little odd, but they make it work. Consider this classified ad in a New Jersey newspaper of a wife running this ad to get her husband back home: "Please come home. The children miss you, the lawn hasn't been mowed in three weeks, and the garden needs a worm like you. Signed: Your loving wife, Gretchen."

I don't know the dynamics of that relationship, but you have to know that there's enough differences to cause discomfort. Now, we're all different. In fact, differences in relationships are good, because opposites attract. And you've noticed in your own marriages that there's differences between you and your husband, you and your wife.

He likes to sleep with the windows open in the wintertime, no covers; she wraps up like an Egyptian mummy in the summertime. He's a night person, she's a morning person. He puts the toilet paper on the roll so it rolls over the top; she puts it so it rolls underneath, and it drives him crazy. He likes the beach, she likes the mountains. She's outgoing, he's more reserved and quiet. All of these differences are great, makes the world go around.

However, when the differences become so that they undermine the stability of the relationship itself, that's when we have problems in a marriage. What are those things? Well, there's a number of them we've already talked about, but one thing we haven't talked about that I want to address today is the unequally yoked relationship, or the unequal yoke.

Now, some of you have never heard that term before, perhaps. You're thinking, "Unequal yoke?" You're thinking of, like, runny eggs, or somebody who didn't sew the shirt thing right, the yoke on the shirt. It's an unequal yoke.

But we're speaking about a marriage relationship, though Paul uses it to speak of a variety of relationships. We want to narrow it down to the marriage relationship today, when a believer is married to an unbeliever. This is a person who is married legitimately, but single spiritually. Now, how do relationships like this happen? And how do people cope who are in them? And is it possible to have a rich, fulfilling, happy marriage if it's unequally yoked?

Consider the words of Zig Ziglar, a Christian motivational speaker. He said: "I have no way of knowing whether or not you married the wrong person, but I do know that many people have a lot of wrong ideas about marriage and what it takes to make that marriage happy and successful. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s possible that you did marry the wrong person. However, if you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having married the right person after all."

I find it interesting that in our present culture we're seeing a rise in mixed marriages; that is, mixed faith, different belief systems getting married. Washington Post put out an article recently, not too long ago, that back in the eighties it was about 15 percent of American couples that had mixed‑faith marriages. Today it's about 25 percent. They also noted that with that comes a difference in worldview; and it's a greater strain on the relationship and the chances of divorce according to all the research the Washington Post compiled—it goes up.

We talk about mixed faith: That's anything from a Catholic marrying an evangelical, or a Baptist marrying a Mormon, or a Jewish person marrying a Christian. And there's varieties that exist, and complications that exist that that article that I am referring to enumerates.

But I want to look with you at two passages of Scripture: one in 2 Corinthians, one in 1 Peter. The first is a prohibition against the unequal yoke. The second is to those who, for whatever reason, happen to be in the unequal yoke. So the first one is marrying an unequal partner; the second passage is managing an unequal partnership. So 2 Corinthians, chapter 6, is marrying the unequal partner.

There's one verse that we focus on, but for the sake of context I'm going back to verse 11 of 2 Corinthians 6. "O, Corinthians! We have spoken openly to you, our heart is wide open. You are not restricted by us, but you are restricted by your own affections. Now in return for the same (I speak as to children), you also be open. Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God.

"As God has said: 'I will dwell in them and walk among them. I will be their God, and they shall be My people.' Therefore, 'Come out from among them and be separate, says the Lord. Do not touch what is unclean, and I will receive you. I will be a Father to you, and you shall be My sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.' "

When he says, "Don't be unequally yoked together," know that Paul is employing a term that comes from the farm, the ancient farm. When a farmer wanted to plow his fields, he would yoke or harness together two animals. A yoke was a wooden crossbeam that sat on the top of the necks of the animals. Underneath was a U‑clamp that clamped the neck to the top brace; and put both of the necks of the animals in sync together so that they could pull the plow, they could do farm work.

As long as the farmer chose the same animal, same species, same weight, same strength, same temperament—no problem. If, however, he decided to get two different kinds of animals—let's say he puts on this side an ox, and over here a pony; he has unequal yoke. The ox wants to move forward, the pony wants to buck and lurch. It's still learning how to be a pony. If he gets an ox and a donkey, that's an unequal yoke. The ox wants to move forward, donkey wants to stay put.

Let's get more ridiculous. Let's say he gets an ox and a Cocker Spaniel, that's an obvious unequal yoke; that whole thing is going to go spinning in circles. So the whole thing of don't be unequally yoked together with people comes from the farm. In fact, it comes from the Jewish Law. Deuteronomy 22 says you shall not plow with an ox and a donkey together. That's an unequal yoke.

Now, let's put that into a marriage. Imagine a believer married to an unbeliever. It's not an equal yoke. One loves God. One seeks God's will. One longs to be in fellowship with other Christians. While the unbeliever doesn't understand any of those yearnings that the believer has. So, the New Living Translation renders it: "Don't team up with those who are unbelievers." The RSV, Revised Standard Version: "Don't be mismated with unbelievers."

I'll give you an example just from a note that I received from a woman in the church. She writes: "Dear Skip, I'm saved, my husband is not. We're separated because I'm saved. Divorce—is it a sin? When I talk to the Lord about it, I'm so dull of hearing, I can't hear what he has to say." You can hear the pain behind that little note. The confusion, "I can't hear God's voice. I'm married to an unbeliever. It's causing problems in the relationship."

The first question to ask is: How does such a yoke occur? What are the circumstances for an unequal yoke? And I am going to give you four pictures, four scenarios, four possibilities. Now, you'll excuse me because in each of these examples I'm going to make the wife the believer, and the husband the unbeliever for the sake of simplicity. And, by the way, that happens to be the normal. If one is resisting the relationship, it is most often—not always—but most often the husband.

Number one, the possibility of an unequal yoke: One gets saved, one does not. She gets saved, he does not. That's one possibility. This is where you have two unbelievers, both not Christians. They meet, they fall in love, they get married. But in the course of life, one of them decides—she decides, "I need something more. I need a relationship with the living God." And she makes the smartest decision a human being can ever make; and that is, to give her life to Jesus Christ. And you go, "That's great." It is great. But it's also threatening, and destabilizing to the husband in that relationship because now there's a third party.

Listen to the words of one honest, unbelieving husband named Mark as he explains, at least he was at one point: "When a man marries his wife, he never wants anything to come between the two of them. But when a man's wife becomes a Christian, it's a whole different kind of threat. Suddenly she has a love relationship with someone he can't even see.

"He can't understand anything that she tries to tell him about this new God she has come to know. All he knows is that she's in love with somebody else, and he's jealous. Instead of remaining first priority in her life, as when they first got married, he has suddenly been demoted to number two." So the equilibrium in the relationship is destabilized because one is saved, one is not.

Here's the second scenario: One falls away, while one remains faithful. This is a marriage of two believers. Both loved the Lord when they got married. They both were committed believers, but after a while he just sort of loses interest and he goes, "I'm not into this spiritual thing. I don't want to, like, carry a Bible, and read it, and go to church. You go. See you later. I'm playing golf."

Another note that I received from a woman in our fellowship, different one: "How do I, as a woman, deal with a spouse who's not interested in God, Christianity, or church anymore?" Inferring that at one time he was interested, but he's not anymore. He's lost interest. He's fallen away. He's backslidden, but she remains faithful. So you have an unequal yoke.

Third scenario: deception. What do I mean by deception? When they got married, she thought he was a Christian because he acted it to the hilt. He spoke Christianese fluently. "Hallelujah, sister." "Praise God, baby." And he learned all the lingo. Why? Because he was after the chick. He wanted to marry her. So he stalked her—I mean he went with her to church, and he got a Bible, and he started singing the songs, and it was one colossal con job to get her to marry him. And after they get married, the mask comes off.

There's a forth possibility: disobedience. This is where you have a believer willfully dating and subsequently marrying an unbeliever; even though she was told, "Don't do it, not a good choice." And I've seen this too many times. For whatever reason, she was attracted to him, attracted to his personality, maybe attracted to his looks, attracted to his financial status; and so she decides she's going to be a missionary in the dating relationship. It's called missionary dating. "I'm going to win him to Christ. I see him as my great assignment from God." And her great assignment—eventually she marries her school work.

And she's married to him now, and what happened is she hasn't converted him to Christ, she hasn't brought him up to that level. What often happens is he drags her down to his level, and she starts compromising like she never compromised before just to keep the thing going, to keep it intact. Seeds of disobedience always yield a harvest of consequence.

Last year, off the coast of Japan, there was a pretty hefty earthquake; 8.9 on the scale, and waves sixty to eighty feet tall devastated a portion of the coastline of Japan. I was there to see it in the aftermath. What's interesting is how it happened. You have two plates, the Pacific tectonic plate and the North American plate, that were sitting next to each other suddenly lurched, suddenly moved; and moved in different directions, one under the other. Just a sudden movement in a different direction caused devastation.

So when two people fall in love, but their moving in different directions, there's going to be some sort of tremor that occurs, or earthquake, or tsunami that occurs. And when the tremors start showing up in the relationship, then what is typical is blaming occurs. Maybe the believer blames herself. "I haven't been a good wife. If I was more loving, then, of course, by now he'd be a believer." Or she starts blaming God. "God I've been praying about this for ten years. You don't want me to have a Christian marriage? You don't want to answer my prayers?"

But none of that is helpful. Because ultimately people are responsible for their own choices that they make. And your husband or wife, who's an unbeliever, has made the choice, "I don't want to budge." That's their responsibility. At judgment day your unbelieving spouse won't be able to say, "Well, you know, I'd have been a believer if my wife had been a perfect wife." That didn't work for Adam. It's not going to work for anybody else. No excuses. Everybody stands for their own choices before the Lord.

Also, I want to give you a word of encouragement if you're a believer married to an unbeliever. As much as you want your spouse saved, you have to know that God wants them saved even more than you do. The principle in the Bible is that God is not willing, or does not want anyone to perish, but everyone to come to eternal life.

He respects their choice, but his heart is for your spouse to have their eyes open and come to Christ. For God so loved the world—and part of that world includes, of course, your unbelieving mate. But you are in a spiritually vulnerable situation, caught, as it were, between two worlds; the worldly world of your husband or wife, if she or he is not a believer, and the kingdom of God. So you're married legitimately, but you're single spiritually. So what do you do?

Now, we turn to 1 Peter 3, if you will, in your Bible. We go from marrying an unequal partner to managing an unequal relationship. And I'll say, as you're turning to that, if you already have it there, just listen to this: Your marriage may not be ideal. It might not be what you wanted, but even with an unequal yoke you can have a good marriage. You can have a solid relationship, a loving relationship. It's the case of treating the wrong person like the right person, having discovered you married the right person all long.

And, by the way, if you are married to an unbeliever, and you're looking at some couples who are married, both believers, and you're thinking, "That's what I want more than anything else." And we understand that. It could be that you've idealize the Christian marriage.

If you think, "Boy, if I was married to a Christian, there'd never be an argument. There'd never be a disagreement. There'd never be wet towels on the bathroom. My dog would be a Christian dog, would never bark at the neighbors. The sun would always shine at my house where there's a white picket fence." Not a reality. Problems even in that kind of a scenario.

So what do you do as a believer married to an unbeliever? Well, first, let's just deal with this and move on; you don't divorce them because they're an unbeliever. First Corinthians, chapter 7, if the unbelieving mate wants to remain, you stay in the relationship because it tells us that the unbelieving spouse and children are sanctified by the believer. Simply meaning they have a better avenue, a better chance of coming into the kingdom by your presence being there.

But beyond that we have 1 Peter, chapter 3, and look at verse 1, "Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, that without a word may be won by the conduct of their wives." And if you're thinking, "Well, this is great if you have the right kind of husband." Look carefully at the text, it's written to women who have the wrong kind of husband. Their husbands don't obey the Word. They don't care about the truth of the gospel. So Peter writes to women who are saved women, married to unsaved husbands.

Something else I just want you to notice: He writes to them in verse 1 down to verse 6, he writes to husbands in verse 7 only. You find that a little bit odd, that he spends six times more scriptural real estate dealing with wives than with husbands? You want to know why? Because wives had it six times harder than husbands.

And you want to know why that is? Because two thousand years ago in the Roman culture, the men held all the chips; the women had no rights. There was a law in Rome called patrias potestas, which meant the "father's power." He had ultimate authority over his wife, over his children, even life and death. So he was managing his daughter's well‑being, and had absolute, ultimate control over them until they got married, and then the power transferred to her husband.

So this is what it would mean: If a man, two thousand years ago in the Roman culture, becomes a Christian, he simply brings his wife with him. She will submit to that, and she will come to the church fellowship wherever he's at. That's just how it worked. If a wife, however, converted while the husband clung to ancestral worship of his gods, he could kill her, according to law, or certainly cause a lot of ruckus and a lot of problems. So he spends more time, Peter does, dealing with women who were in that delicate situation, and one verse toward the husbands who might be married to an unequal spouse. So how do you manage an unequal partnership?

Four principles: First of all, with wise submission. I didn't say with blank submission, but with wise submission. Because just like when we discussed submission a few weeks ago, several weeks ago, we mentioned that being submitted to your husband does not mean being submitted to the sinful desires of your husband. You don't submit to sin. So if he says, "Let's cheat. Let's go get drunk," because he's worldly, you don't submit to that. That's where you pull an Acts, chapter 5, where Peter said, "We must obey God, rather than men." But, there must be wise submission.

Verse 1, "Likewise, [wives] be submissive to your own husbands." It sounds a little counterintuitive, does it not? You're telling a wife, who's supposed to be submitted to Christ, to submit to her husband who is not under the authority of Christ. That's where you need wise submission. That's where you learn to differentiate. "Is he crossing the line between what the Lord tells me to do and his own wishes?"

Wise submission doesn't mean you're a door mat. "Honey, just a minute, let me lie down so you can walk all over me." That's not wise submission. You still maintain your beliefs, you still maintain your values, but you show that submissiveness your husband at the same time. The word submit means that you relinquish your rights in order to meet somebody else's needs. It's a voluntary selflessness. Not because you feel like it, necessarily, but you want to honor and please Christ.

I read about a woman who was married to a husband, she couldn't stand him. He was a tyrant. I mean he was, like, the macho tyrant of all tyrants. He'd boss her around and he demanded that she wait on him hand and foot. She was miserable. Eventually, he died and she remarried a man that she truly loved.

And one day she's cleaning out her desk and she came across a written list that her former husband had given her of the things he demand she fulfill. And she started reading through the list, she realized that she was fulfilling most of those for her new husband already. The difference was it was not out of fear any longer, nor out of duty any longer, but out of pure love. That's wise submission. "Lord, this pleases you and I want to win this person,"—it's of a wise, submissive heart.

Secondly, you manage the unequal partnership with silent preaching. Let me explain, verse 1 says, "That even if some do not obey the word, they, [the unbelieving husband] without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives. When they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear."

Now, don't misunderstand what the verse is saying. When it says that, "They, without a word," it doesn't mean that you never share a word about the gospel, you never say anything about the truth of how a person gets saved; because that is fundamental, that is essential. People have to hear the truth before anybody can get saved.

Peter even says that back in chapter 1 here, verse 23, "Having been born again, not of corruptible seed but incorruptible, through the word of God which lives and abides forever." So when Peter says that, "They, without a word, may be won,"—infers that they've already heard it. Now live it. Don't continually nag them into the kingdom. Nobody can be nagged into the kingdom. Don't badger them. Don't argue with them. You shared the Word, now, the "silent preaching of a lovely life," as William Barclay calls it, will win them.

So gals, don't set your husbands' alarm clock to Christian radio to that loud preacher at 6:00 in the morning—if he's on—at volume setting number ten thinking, "That'll get him." Naw, it won't. He'll just throw the radio across the room. You don't need to pin notes on his pillow: "Repent sinner. Love, Natalie." Or stuff tracts in his sandwich, right between the tuna fish and the cheese there's a little gospel tract.

The silent preaching of a lovely life. And notice verse 2, when they observe, when they watch, when they carefully check out your "chaste conduct." That means your faithfulness to God, your faithfulness to your husband; that's the best evangelistic tool, accompanied by fear. So wise submission, silent preaching.

The third way you manage an unequal relationship is by balanced beauty. Verse 3, Peter says to wives, "Don't let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine [clothes] apparel—rather let it be the hidden person of the heart with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned them themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror."

Everybody appreciates beauty. It's a seventeen‑billion‑dollar‑a‑year industry in this country. So we all buy into it at some level. We all appreciate it. Preachers have gone crazy on this verse. Some preachers denouncing wearing jewelry, doing your hair up, wearing makeup, it's crazy. And I'll admit it, you know, some people paste on makeup like it's peanut butter on toast. But as they say, "Any house looks better painted," so paint the house.

See, that's the disadvantage men have, the outside of the house looks pretty gnarly all the time. But don't stop with just painting the house. Decorate the inside of the house. Make sure that you have a stunningly, beautiful personality to go along with the outward beauty. And here's the reason why: what's outward is only temporary. Proverbs, chapter 31, "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised." So make sure that you work on the inward, the ageless beauty of an inward heart.

The fourth and final way to manage an unequal partnership is in verse 7. He's now addressing husbands; both apply to husbands and wives. Verse 7, "Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered." Peter is probably addressing the husband who's saved while the wife is not saved. It would not be the typical situation two thousand years ago, but it could have happened, and so he addresses them.

What does he tell them to do? It's all about mutual respect. First of all, be considerate. Notice the word understanding, "Dwell with them [your wives], with understanding." Simply this: Men, learn to be sensitive to what your wife needs; her physical needs, her emotional needs, and her spiritual needs, because you want to win her to the Lord.

Second, be caring. Notice in verse 7, "Giving honor to the wife." She's to be the special object of a husband's care. When she feels like she's considered and doted over, and she's the special one in his life, there's a security that develops as she realizes that my husband loves me above all else.

The third thing in verse 7 is, be chivalrous. Now, I'm going to be careful with this one. It says, "Giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel." Before you get all up in arms about that—"What do you mean, 'weaker vessel? ' " It doesn't mean weaker intellectually. I know this, I'm married to a woman who's much smarter than I am. It doesn't mean weaker spiritually. My wife, I think, has a deeper spirituality than I have. I can get weird at times. But it's speaking simply about the physical constitution. Generally, that is the case of the man and the woman physically; the man is stronger, the woman would be the weaker vessel.

So there are things the man needs to do in considering the needs of his wife, be chivalrous. So the whole idea is a mutual respect, a mutual honor. Respect and honor your wives. In that culture—unheard of—a man didn't have to honor his wife. Paul says, "Honor your wife. " Think about her needs, be considerate, be caring, be chivalrous.

A ten‑year‑old class of boys was asked, "How would you make a marriage work?" You expect interesting answers from ten‑year‑olds. Ten‑year‑old Ricky said, "Tell your wife she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck." I don't know what's going on in his house, but not bad advice. Women always love to hear, "You look beautiful. I love that outfit. Love your hair. Love the lipstick." He's, "Well, I don't notice those things." Notice them.

And I want to draw your attention as we close to the closing comment in verse 7. Just in case you think Peter is giving some casual advice, like, he's sitting back with his pen at Starbucks going, "Huh, what good advice could I give to women who are married to unbelieving men, or men to unbelieving women?"

Notice it says, "That your prayers may not be hindered." The way you treat your husband and your wife seems to have a bearing on how God answers or doesn't answer your prayers. That's interesting isn't it? "That your prayers may not be hindered." And since those prayers would naturally include your spouse's conversion, petitions for salvation; make sure that you respect your wife and that you respect your husband, or they will turn around and resent your Christianity and not be attracted to it.

So it goes back to what we began with: If you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having the right person after all. Treat them like a gem. Win them to the Lord. Let's pray.

Father we understand there is never a guarantee that if we follow A, B, and C, that the next day or the next week an unbelieving spouse is going to automatically turn to you. But believers, by their very presence in the home, have a sanctifying impact on spouses and children in a way possible that can't be found any other way. So I pray, Lord, that those of our brothers and sisters who find themselves unequally yoked together with an unbeliever, for whatever reason it is, any of those that we have discussed; I pray that you'd give them a special amount of strength as they're engaged in a cosmic, spiritual battle.

And I pray that their inward beauty, their inward handsomeness, would be so remarkable as you continue to work in all of us. That that husband or that wife would voluntarily, of their own design and desire, decide to follow Jesus as some point. We know that everyone's responsible for their own decisions, but we also know that you, by your Spirit, through an obedient life, can influence greatly those choices. Give special grace, in Jesus' name, amen.

Additional Messages in this Series

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6/10/2012
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No Man Is An Island
Genesis 2:18-22
Skip Heitzig
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Welcome to a new series! If you're presently not married, don't tune out! You may be someday and it will be worth the investment to listen and learn. If you are married, this will provide needed affirmation of your marriage vows. Let's make a deal—let's decide that it's not enough to just survive in our marriages; let's aim to thrive in them. To do that, we have to revisit God's original design and plan for this foundational relationship.
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6/17/2012
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The First Wedding
Genesis 2:23-25
Skip Heitzig
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Today we go back in time to the first wedding—the prototype. The Divine Architect had something specific in mind when He established marriage. Before the days of ancient polygamy, before the days of male chauvinism and neo-feminism, before the days of no-fault divorce and pre-nuptial agreements was the simplicity of God and His creation. There He brought a man and woman together. What did He want this relationship to be like?
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6/24/2012
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Trouble In Paradise
Genesis 3:1-20
Skip Heitzig
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One pundit said, "'And they lived happily ever after' is one of the most tragic sentences in literature. It's tragic because it tells a falsehood about life and has led countless generations of people to expect something from human existence that is not possible on this fragile, failing, imperfect earth." Even in Eden, Adam and Eve didn't live happily ever after. The fall of man into sin brought repercussions that are still felt today.
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7/1/2012
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Gender Wars
Genesis 1-3
Skip Heitzig
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"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" reads a popular book title. The genders are different from each other; we were designed that way. Today we consider that design and how it became marred. This section of Scripture helps us understand the roots of chauvinism and feminism, both of which have added confusion to our culture. It also helps us understand the roles God gave to men and women, and how they work today.
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7/8/2012
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Friends with Benefits
Matthew 22:37-40
Nate Heitzig
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No matter how you view dating, finding the right mate can be tricky. What should you be looking for in a potential spouse? How can you know that this is God's best for you? Though the Bible is silent about dating per se, it says a lot about how we are to treat one another and what our priorities ought to be. These principles play a major factor in the success of dating relationships—and marriages. Let's open our Bibles to Matthew 22:37-40 for guidance in playing the sometimes challenging dating game.
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7/15/2012
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The Hardest Word in a Marriage
Ephesians 5:22-24
Skip Heitzig
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Some people would consider submission to be as bad as a four-letter word. But that’s because they don’t understand it. God’s plan is always the best plan. He designed your life to be one that is fulfilling and rewarding. Jesus said, “I have come that they might have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10). For that to happen, we must function within the guidelines of His will in the relational roles we occupy. Today we look at the basic role of a wife in a marriage relationship.
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7/22/2012
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The Storm-Proof Shelter of a Husband's Love
Ephesians 5:25-32
Skip Heitzig
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OK men, it's our turn today—God's blueprint for husbands is in view here. God's plan is for a man's love to become a strong shelter for his wife. The kind of love the Bible directs a husband to have is the kind that makes it easy for a woman to submit to. In fact, I believe the husband holds the key to a flourishing relationship by his initiating and cultivating love.
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7/29/2012
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Strength and Honor
Hebrews 13:4
Levi Lusko
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From crude advertising campaigns to raunchy entertainment, sex has been taken captive to a mindset of dishonor and shame. In truth, sex is a gift from God. He knows best how it can be fully enjoyed—within the marriage relationship. As we ponder the biblical principles of honor and integrity, we gain a deeper understanding of God's plan for purity before marriage and a vibrant sex life afterward.
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8/5/2012
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Homemaker or Homebreaker?
Titus 2;Proverbs 31
Skip Heitzig
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We are surrounded by hostile, home-shattering influences in our world today. The supportive elements of society no longer shade and protect us (like they once did). The Christian home must blossom in a field of weeds! Today I'd like to speak to wives in their role as homemakers (fightin' words for some). Let's take a twenty-first century look at a centuries-old struggle and why God honors the role of the homemaker.
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8/12/2012
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Needed: Real Men!
Joshua 24:1-15
Skip Heitzig
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The definition of what a real man is will vary from person to person, background to background, and ideology to ideology. But one thing is certain: A man who really is godly and really is a spiritual leader and really serves his family is RARE! Today we consider the aged leader of the ancient Hebrew nation, who was calling on the men of his generation to become real men. Joshua instructed those men to do three things.
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8/19/2012
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How to Have a Love Affair with Your Spouse - Part 1
Proverbs 5
Skip Heitzig
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Being intimate with someone involves more than just sex. Intimacy is a sense of caring and affection in which one can be totally vulnerable without the fear of being hurt or misunderstood. Intimacy is essential if a marriage is going to thrive. How about your marriage? Do these following three elements that foster intimacy exist in your marriage?
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8/26/2012
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How to Have a Love Affair with Your Spouse - Part 2
Proverbs 5:15-21; Song_of_Solomon 1:1-7:13
Skip Heitzig
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For a majority of married couples, the word enduring sums up their nuptial experience. But let me offer another word, the idea of which comes straight from Scripture itself: It’s the word enjoying. For those of you who merely endure your marriage, you could enjoy it. Using two of the writings of King Solomon, we will explore four areas that healthy married couples could and should be experiencing enjoyment in.
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9/2/2012
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Weeds of Unfaithfulness in the Garden of Love
Matthew 5:27-30
Skip Heitzig
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A wise sage once remarked, "Passion is like fire and water—they are good servants but bad masters!" Sexual passion is like that, and every married couple needs to tend the garden of their love very carefully. That means pulling out the weeds that could lead to unfaithful behavior. Many a marriage has been burned in the fire of adultery or flooded with inordinate passion. Let's consider how our marriages can stay "adultery proof."
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9/9/2012
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Faith Walkin' and Tongue Talkin'
James 3:1-12
Gino Geraci
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Who or what controls your speech? Like a mighty ship that is controlled by a small rudder, our tongues are a small member with great power. Our speech is being controlled either by the Lord or it is being controlled by our own anger, bitterness, and selfishness. When Jesus is in control, we do not have to fear what is going to leak out between our teeth. In our text this week, we learn to be wary that we don't offend with our tongue.
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9/30/2012
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Short Fuse for the Long Haul!
Ephesians 4:25-32
Skip Heitzig
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How can couples have a good fight? Let's face it, there are good fights and there are bad ones. And anger only complicates things. Since marriage is a "long haul" commitment and some people have a "short fuse," there are four principles you need to know in order to fight fair. Moreover, disagreements can actually strengthen your relationship. How?
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10/7/2012
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Partners for Life
Psalm 1:1-6; Malachi 3:6-10
Bob Shank
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When couples marry, they form a partnership where they each agree to cooperate for their mutual interests—it's a partnership between a husband and a wife. But, there is a third party in that partnership—God. Each person's personal relationship with Jesus should be as active and as powerful as their relationship with each other. In this study, we see how we can improve our partnership with God and ensure His blessing on our lives, and we receive concise teaching on what God means when He tells us to test Him regarding our finances.
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10/14/2012
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Have a New You by Friday
Dr. Kevin Leman
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Guest speaker Dr. Kevin Leman provides insights for making changes in our marriages and our families. How do we change our behavior? By deciding to act differently! Let’s give 100% of ourselves to God—He is worth nothing less.
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10/21/2012
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In Sickness and in Health
Job 1-2
Skip Heitzig
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Couples who marry begin their relationship with a verbal contract of wedding vows. They are happy and eager to repeat the familiar "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health," but most fail to read the fine print of those negative possibilities. Today we will consider what happens in a marriage when health issues become the issue.
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10/28/2012
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The Most Important Job in the World
Ephesians 6:4
Skip Heitzig
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What job could possibly be more important to the world than a parent? A surgeon, lawyer, president, pastor, or economist? Nope! Think of a parent's influence: Every word and deed of a parent becomes a fiber woven into the character of a child that ultimately determines how that child fits into the fabric of society. But children can both unify a marriage relationship and challenge it. Let's pull some principles out of Ephesians 6:4 to see how to "Keep Calm" while raising kids.
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11/4/2012
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In-laws or Outlaws?
Genesis 28-31
Skip Heitzig
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When two people get married, they don't simply marry each other; they marry into an extended family consisting of mother-in-law, father-in-law, and perhaps even sister-in-law and brother-in-law. These in-laws come in all sizes and shapes, and all personalities, and there is the potential for these in-laws to become outlaws to the married couple. Today we explore that relationship and see pitfalls to avoid as well as practices to apply.
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11/18/2012
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Are You Building a House or a Home?
Psalm 127
Skip Heitzig
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John Henry Jowett wrote, “Anyone can build a house: We need the Lord for the creation of a home.” There’s a huge difference between the construction of these two: One is built with earthly materials and anxious thoughts; the other is the result of strong relationships. As we conclude our series today, consider how you’re planning for the future.
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There are 21 additional messages in this series.
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